If you sometimes wish everyone would just shut up and let you feel crappy and spin your wheels you should try these 12 steps.

  1. Ignore your body. When you’re feeling satiated, keep eating. And when you start to feel hungry, pay no attention. In fact, beat yourself up for even thinking about food until you’re so hungry you can’t think about anything else; then eat junk because nothing else says, “I love and respect you” more than getting to the bottom of a bag of chips. Also, if you’re feeling tired remember a good night’s sleep is for suckers who value better health, a good memory, more sex and a healthy immune system.
  2. Pay minimal attention to your family and friends. If they really loved you, they would understand you have things to do. Relationships take valuable time and energy. Dinner? Walks? Kind gestures? Conversations? Connection? Who has time for such frivolity. You’re here to get things done.
  3. Jump on every self-improvement bandwagon that makes its way into your life. By always trying the next best thing you never have to actually commit to seeing anything through. Besides, fad diets and quick fixes really do have the potential to work… all the ads say so.
  4. Hold on tightly to things that no longer serve you. Whether it’s ideas, things, people or goals, clearing out clutter is for new age types. In fact, if you make space for something new in your life you just might change and that’s unpredictable and risky.
  5. Ignore that little voice inside. Instead listen to what everyone else is saying because pleasing others is far more important than pleasing yourself. This is especially true if that voice is your heart whispering, “give it a try.”
  6. Skip the thank you. Gratitude takes time and energy with no guaranteed ROI. The best way to motivate people is to point out their failures, not thank and praise them for doing what they are supposed to do.
  7. Stress. A lot. Who needs mindfulness when stress can keep you going for hours on end? Lean into it, get wired and use that pressure to get stuff done.
  8. Be unforgiving. Especially when it comes to yourself. If you make a mistake, ruminate on it for weeks. Bully yourself and others without mercy because nothing inspires us more than withheld compassion, love and affection.
  9. Make yourself your lowest priority. Everyone else comes first. If you happen to mess this one up and take time to do something just for you, at least remember to feel guilty about it which helps take the edge off of any enjoyment.
  10. Take life really seriously. Laughter, fun and distraction are buzz kills for getting stuff done. After all, life isn’t about living; it’s about getting through your to-do list.
  11. Forego fresh air and exercise. Why waste time doing something that is going to make you soar… oops, I mean sore.
  12. Stay in your comfort zone at all times. There is a reason it is called a zone people. Mastering new skills and trying new things is not only hard but can also be unsuccessful. And the boost to your confidence and sense of accomplishment you get from trying something new doesn’t even come close to compensating for that feeling of vulnerability you experience when stepping out of your comfort zone.

(If you found this blog useful in any way shape or form, don’t share it with a friend or colleague. Ask any toddler, sharing sucks!)

Originally published at lisaculhane.com on January 20, 2016.