If you recently lost a loved one, chances are you can relate.
You want to move on with life but you have no idea how and where to start.
You want to stop crying but you cannot figure out how.
You want to sleep to ease the pain but your tears keep on falling.
You want to question God why but cannot find the courage to.
You want to turn back time wishing the news of death exists in another reality.
If you are in deep pain and sorrow for the loss of your loved one, You are not alone.
I lost my best friend recently and I have been on a roller coaster of emotions for the past 3 weeks after receiving her message that she was admitted to the hospital.
I went to her last message and this is what she said “ Pray for me, I’m still fighting for my life, God is good, Tiwala ako sa kanya ( I trust God).
This message of my best friend “TRUSTING GOD” in her last days keeps reminding me that I too must continue trusting and surrendering to God all these pains I am going through for losing her.
Since morning, I have been asking God – how can I manage this pain in my heart?
WRITE AND SURRENDER – this is the answer that I am getting.
As I write this, I am praying for this article to be a source of healing for myself and for others who are on the same journey as I am.
3 STEPS TO HEAL FROM THE DEATH OF A LOVED ONE
For the last 7 years, I have helped individuals overcome the death of a loved one through a simple 3-step ABC process that I developed using the power of writing and surrender.
Last September, through a live career coaching call, I helped Femi Tabi overcome the guilt of losing her brother – a pain that she carried for almost 2 decades that we were able to heal in 30 minutes. Watch the recording if you need to understand and see how this simple process is done.
Here is a 3-step process that you too can follow so you can help heal yourself, your family, or your friend from the death of a loved one.
- Accept
First, you need to accept all the emotions without judging whether the emotion is right or wrong for you.
Cry if you need to.
Scream if you want.
Do whatever your mind and body are telling you to process your emotions because suppression of your emotions can lead to depression.
Second, accept that what happened is an event of the past that can never be returned no matter how much you cry, blame yourself or others for what happened. Acknowledging the past helps your mind understand that this event can never be returned so you can free yourself from your pains and emotions.
Last and the most important thing, accept that you need to continue to move on with life because success in anything starts with acceptance and clarity of intention.
To help you find the courage to move on, ASK YOURSELF THESE QUESTIONS TO KNOW THE PERSPECTIVE FROM YOUR DEAD LOVED ONES.
- What is the message that your dead loved ones want to remind you?
- What do you think your dead loved ones want you to tell you now about moving on?
- What do you need to do to help your dead loved ones to be happy and peaceful wherever they are now?
- What do you think your dead loved one wishes for you?
- How does your dead loved one want you to live your life now?
I know that my best friend would never want me to live life in sorrow and pain. I know that she wants me to enjoy and live life to the fullest as she is the best example of that.
If you are ready to free yourself from the pains of the death of your loved ones and if you are ready to stop giving your dead loved ones pain and sorrow, it is time to move to step 2.
- Believe
Believe that you need and deserve forgiveness for the things you did wrong and for the things you failed to do.
Death is difficult because you did not get to say goodbye.
Death is difficult because you cannot do what you planned for together.
Death is difficult because you failed to do and give the things you wanted to.
Believe that your dead loved ones want to forgive you because they never want to carry a burden when they live this life too.
Forgive yourself by writing a note to acknowledge the pains of your past and to move forward.
Write a message to your dead loved one too.
ASK YOURSELF THESE QUESTIONS TO HELP YOU CREATE A SPACE TO FORGIVE YOURSELF.
- Do you think your dead loved ones understands why you did not get to say proper goodbyes?
- Do you think your dead loved ones forgive you fully because he/she wants you to be happy?
- Do you think God wants you to be free from guilt and from the pains of your past?
If you answered Yes to any of these questions, move to step 3.
This is the letter I want to send to my best friend.
- Clear the blocks
Yes, it is now time to clear the blocks that are holding you back from moving forward in life. Get a pen and a paper that you can burn and write this down…
I am fully letting go of this guilt for _____________________________ because I know that _________________ (the name of your dead loved one) wants me to be happy.
Feel free to write everything that you want to write as if you are talking to your dead loved one and to God. Flush and feel all your thoughts, emotions, and pains as you write.
When you are done writing, hold your heart and:
- Imagine you are talking to your dead loved one and tell them everything you want to say
- Listen to you heart and hear what you heart, your dead love one and God is telling you
- Say a prayer from your heart releasing and surrendering to God every thought, emotions and pains.
- Burn the paper or tear it as a sign of letting go.
It may sound easier said than done and if you are finding it difficult to do it on your own, watch this recording of the live coaching call with Femi and follow what we did to heal her pain from the death of her brother.
I am still anxious about my best friend’s death and I am keeping this Bible verse with me until I am fully okay “ Do not be anxious about anything but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7 NIV.