Have you ever experienced a situation where you had so much you wanted to say, but you just couldn’t bring yourself to say it? Instead, you choked down your words, had a full-on dialogue with your ego, battled your deepest desire to be heard, just to avoid the perceived discomfort of speaking up. 

I get it. I’ve been there, too. 

And if you’ve ever been in this situation before you know just how uncomfortable it is. Your heart races in complete repulsion and your throat is literally constricting as the words remain stuck. And the question remains, why do we do this to ourselves

Maybe you were too scared that others would think you were a “bitch” if you spoke up about what you wanted.  Or maybe you feared what your loved one would say in response to your vulnerability. Maybe you believed that you would be misunderstood, so it wouldn’t be worth the struggle anyways. 

In either case, you vanished your voice. Afraid to be seen, the emotions continued to build up inside of you until they grew into an even bigger, all-consuming problem than they would have been had you just spoken up in the first place. This invisibility tendency we women have is what I call “The Ghost.”  It’s one of the many hidden archetypes that live within us and promote invisible communication instead of an empowered and Queenly conversation.  

We have been taught since we were young girls to apologize for our needs, but not how to comfortably ask for them.  As a result, we’ve fallen victim to compliance and defiance, leaving us voiceless and jeopardizing our happiness. Part of becoming the Queen of your life is standing confidently in your truth.  Finding a voice that is clear and having the courage to use it.  But, most of all, understanding that others desire to be heard, too.  Queens have a way of not only being seen but seeing others as well.  Below I am sharing the top three ways that you can slay The Ghost archetype within you and find the strength it takes to stand tall in meeting your desires!

Let your voice be heard by you first, then by others.  As a Queen, you deserve to confidently communicate your point of view. It’s not about being right or wrong. Your voice is there to express what is true for you. Becoming clear on what you want to express within yourself, first, is the initial step to a more divine way of communicating.  We often become so worried that we will hurt others’ feelings by speaking up, yet we are okay with hurting our own feelings to do so. This is a self-care strategy to make direct communication more natural. Look for the win-win opportunities when communicating, by not bottling up your unhappiness to the point that when you do open your mouth it’s from a place of resentment, resulting in blaming or accusing.  Looking for common ground is about seeking alliance with the other party and acknowledging that you both have feelings that want to be heard, without judgment. 

Let your “yes be yes” and “no be no.”  By honoring your truth and setting solid boundaries, others will respect them, too.  Often when we are used to silencing our truth out of fear of what others will think, we hinder our ability to stand strong in our expectations. When you are timid about asserting your desires, others become unclear about them, also.  Be definitive in what you will and will not accept. The more consistent you are with sharing this piece of yourself allows others to better support you in meeting your needs.    

Speaking the truth in love. Having the courage to speak our truth, no matter what others think of us, doesn’t mean we don’t consider other people. The Ghost archetype is rooted in a culture where someone always wins and someone always loses. But, it doesn’t have to be like that. Compassion for ourselves and others is always available. Exploring solutions from a place of love is a very powerful and effective way to communicate.

While in the process of healing your compliant people-pleasing tendencies or defiant and shaming communication habits, remember to be gentle with yourself. Like any new skill, speaking up for yourself and others takes practice in order to master. Developing this skill happens one prayer, journal entry, dinner order, email to your coworker, and conversation at a time. But imagine how the never again feeling of being afraid to speak up, set a boundary, or state your point of view will completely transform your life!  Communication is powerful, and as a Queen, it’s your most important accessory.  Own it!