One of the most powerful concepts I’ve learned in my life emerged from my training as a marriage and family therapist. It’s about boundaries – the invisible barrier that separates you from the world around you. Boundaries define who you are, and they regulate the flow of information and input to and from your outside “systems.” Boundaries keep you safe and secure, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
Having well-developed, appropriate boundaries ensures that you’re protected from behaviors and actions that are injurious, disrespectful, or invasive.
People with healthy boundaries know their limits and are able to enforce them with quiet strength and authority.
Healthy boundaries — well-established, clear limits regarding what you expect and need from others and what you will and will not tolerate from others — allow you to move forward on a fulfilling and satisfying path, both at work and at home.
Those who have insufficient boundaries, I’ve found, have almost always experienced some form of emotional manipulation or trauma in their childhoods and upbringing. Children who’ve been abused or mistreated (emotionally, sexually, physically, etc.), for instance, experience a violation of their boundaries before they had the power or ability to advocate for or protect themselves. Unless we recognize this later in life, and do the necessary work to strengthen our boundaries, we experience ongoing mistreatment from others, and a great deal of pain, confusion, and unhappiness as a result. Also, those who’ve been raised by a narcissistic parent will inevitably experience deep challenges in developing, and asserting, healthy boundaries. This is because the narcissism they had to navigate through significantly impacts one’s ability to develop and share one’s own, authentic self-identity.
Of course, we can’t control other people’s actions and words, but we can control our responses to them, as well as our actions in the face of language and behavior that violate who we have defined ourselves to be in this world.
If your boundaries are weak, others can and will find a way to get under your skin and hurt you, invade your privacy, suck your energy, drain your resources, and wreak havoc on your life.
Another way to say this is that without strong boundaries, we allow people to drain us parasitically, taking from us whatever we’ll allow them to.
Healthy, strong boundaries ensure that you:
• Experience and demonstrate self-respect and respect of others
• Understand and articulate effectively the limits you’ve set for yourself
• Know unequivocally when your limits have been overstepped
• Determine with surety and confidence the actions you wish to take when your boundaries have been violated
• Live and relate well with yourself and others, and build a rewarding life that matches what you value and believe in
A few basic steps are required to strengthen your boundaries, and for many people I’ve coached and spoken to, particularly those who had narcissistic parents or emotionally abusive childhoods, these boundary-strengthening steps aren’t easy or at all comfortable, but they’re doable. Boundary development requires courage, strength, patience, and time, but it’s an essential step toward a happier, more rewarding life and livelihood.
The 3 key steps developing stronger boundaries are:
#1: Gain Awareness Of What You Need More Of
First, it’s critical to understand more deeply what you need more of in your life and work, and what isn’t working today.
What do I desperately long for? Is it more time, energy, honesty, compassion, respect, care or power, or something else?
Begin the process of exploring when you feel thwarted, angry, resentful, drained, and undervalued. Most likely your boundaries need bolstering in these situations. Is your boss demanding that you’re available 24/7? Is your spouse refusing to do his/her part of the necessary work at home to help raise the children or manage the household responsibilities? Is your friend demanding, selfish, and critical, unable to relate to you in a caring way? Is your parent horrible to you?
Once you recognize exactly what you need that you’re not getting, and what you’re allowing that is no longer tolerable, start setting clear and unwavering limits – both out loud and to yourself – as to what you desire and need from others to feel respected and valued, and what you will no longer stand for.
Take some time this week to think about your boundaries, then write down what your rules will be going forward in terms of what you expect, need, and will allow from others. Then communicate these limits to the outside world calmly, clearly, and unemotionally. Know in your heart and mind what the consequences will be if people don’t respect your limits. And don’t be surprised when people react negatively to your asserting your boundaries. After all, they’ve become very used to being able to walk all over you.
Here’s a personal example: I remember in my thirties, I made a decision to finally walk away from the habit of gossiping or speaking negatively of others in the chronic and mean way I had done previously. I realized that in my life, I would habitually engage in triangulation – an emotional manipulation tactic where one person who is not comfortable communicating directly with another person or dealing directly about something challenging, uses a third party to relay communication to the second individual, or to intervene and get involved somehow. This allows the first person to relieve his/her own anxiety by complaining about the situation, but prevents the individual from actually taking the brave, direct action necessary to remedy the problem. Instead a triangle is formed.
To ease my own anxiety, I’d speak critically about one friend or colleague who was upsetting me, to the other. I realized finally that this was a destructive habit fed by my own insecurities, and I knew it always came back to hurt me. But since I’d been doing it for years, the people in my life were used to engaging in this with me, and I needed to change that.
The next time a friend spoke ill of another person in front of me, I said, “I know I used to do this in the past, but I’m working really hard not to speak ill of my friends, or gossiping like I used it. I’m just not comfortable speaking about Terry this way. Would you mind if we changed the subject?”
While a few people got annoyed or offended, most not only obliged my request, but also seemed to respect the decision and began to realize themselves how speaking ill of their colleagues, friends or family members just didn’t feel right or helpful. In fact, it made them feel worse.
#2: Stop Pleasing Others In Order To Feel Safe
Many hundreds of women I’ve worked with, especially those who grew up with parents who were emotionally manipulative or narcissistic, discover that as adults they are striving desperately to please others as a way to either feel safe from punishment or to fulfill their own neediness.
Accommodation to others can be healthy and caring in the right situations, but for those who’ve been culturally trained to be pleasing and self-sacrificing (as many women are today in our society), it is a self-demeaning act, and can destroy our chances for a happy, rewarding and empowered life.
Why do people overly accommodate and acquiesce to another’s wishes?
The key reason is fear. People are afraid that approval and acceptance will be withheld if they are their most authentic, truthful selves. They’re deathly afraid that others will become angry or reject them for being honest (because it actually happened to them again and again in the past).
Many people fear too that they are not worthy, smart, or strong enough to stand up for what they believe. They believe that if they stop giving in to the needs of others, they’ll stop being loved, needed, cared for, or accepted.
We learn this acquiescence in our early lives. Many people have adopted this behavior to survive their childhoods. Narcissism is now rising in epidemic proportions, and thousands were raised in homes that did not allow expression of true thoughts and feelings. Punishment, sometimes severe, ensued when individuals asserted themselves and enforced their personal limits.
Sadly, I’ve seen as a coach and therapist that if you don’t address your habitual pattern of over-accommodation to others, it just won’t change. This damaging pattern will remain for a lifetime, forever tripping you up in your relationships, work and personal life.
#3: Get Help To Break The Cycle Of Mistreatment Or Abuse
When mistreatment is occurring, we often need outside support to help us recognize what’s really going on, and to explore what needs to be changed, and get help to take safe, appropriate action.
If you are experiencing abuse of any kind, help is available. Reach out and get the help you need. In the workplace, if you’re experiencing mistreatment, stop in your tracks, and make an evaluation of what’s transpiring. Also look at how you may be contributing to or allowing the situation. If any of the statements below are true for you, then proactive, empowered action is called for.
• I’m being harassed and made to do things that feel wrong.
• I’m being passed over or not treated fairly continually because I’m ___ (female, gay, African American, middle aged, disabled, pregnant, on leave, etc.).
• I’m being back-stabbed and maligned.
• I’ve been promised things by my supervisors that I’m not getting.
• My work is being sabotaged.
• Money is being withheld from me for no reason.
• I’m being punished or blamed for things I didn’t do.
• I’ve been forced into a position that I don’t want.
• I’m being excluded from meetings and other informational sources and networks that are essential for me to succeed at my job.
• My reviews have been great, but I’m not being rewarded as promised.
• I’ve been asked to do unethical/illegal things for the job/company.
• I have to work around the clock to get my job done, and I don’t want to.
If any of the above is happening, mistreatment possibly is occurring, and proactive measures are needed. But first, try to get in closer touch with who you are, what you will and will not accept, and understand with more clarity what you value in life and work, and what your limits are. Before you can act powerfully, you have to gain awareness of what feels wrong and right. Become very clear now—evaluate in detail anything that feels like a violation, and why, and document it.
The next critical step is to understand the role you may be playing in this negative situation. Have you communicated clearly your discomfort or your lack of agreement with what’s been happening? Have you said “Yes” when “No” was the real answer? Or have you shared your discontent in ineffective ways (gossiping, self-sabotaging, passive aggressive actions, etc.)? How are you potentially participating in this situation, and maintaining the cycle by not standing up for your convictions or enforcing your limits? What pieces of yourself are you giving away, to be liked, accepted, or rewarded?
Once you have a clearer idea of where you stand, reach out for help to get a fresh, informed, neutral (outside) perspective. This could be a discussion with a mentor, a sponsor, a lawyer, a therapist, coach, your Human Resources representative, your city’s Social Services Department — whatever is called for in your particular situation. Once you share your situation with them, evaluate their perspective honestly and openly. If it resonates as true, then decide what action is called for. If not, seek another source of support. Find help that feels right for you, but make sure you’re open to the truth, even if it’s very difficult to hear.
In the end, strong, healthy boundaries are essential in giving us the strength and power to design our lives and careers as we want them. Knowing what’s critical to you to lead a happy life, then finding brave to take the necessary action to enforce those needs and values, is the difference between building a happy, satisfying life versus struggling continually with dismal disappointment and mistreatment.
For more from Kathy Caprino, visit her personal growth programs, her book Breakdown, Breakthrough, and her new podcast FindingBrave.org.