Dating can be time-consuming, especially when you’re not quite sure what, or who, you want. For over a decade, I attracted partners who weren’t suitable for the long-term. It was heart-breaking, confusing and exhausting – for those around me to watch too!
Enough was enough – I went on a mission to discover the best advice out there to stop repeating relationship patterns that just weren’t working. I absorbed personal development and relationship books, took courses and sought the wisdom of countless coaches and therapists – trying to learn the innate ability some people have for finding a loving partner for a happy, steady romantic relationship.
First off, learning to give myself the love I was searching for, partly through healing past trauma, taught me to value myself more and approach dating from a different place. I learned to relate to others with an already-full heart – instead of giving so hard to receive what I subconsciously felt was missing inside.
Sometimes it feels right to be single while we concentrate on our personal development, career, family etc; or we may just not feel ready to jump into dating – don’t let society or your own internal pressure force you into anything you know isn’t right for you at the moment.
If you do feel ready to date, but finding the right person seems like a random or demoralizing process, these following questions are here to help.
One of the most powerful exercises I learned to attract a “dream” partner is visualizing – and writing down (to help you get clearer) – the characteristics of who you really want to date. It can seem counter-intuitive to narrow down your search, but it gives you the boundaries, courage and clarity to resist wasting time on encounters that you know on some level aren’t right for you.
The human mind’s “yellow car phenomenon” is also working in your favor when you get clear on what you’re looking for. In the same way that someone alerting you to look out for yellow cars likely means you will notice many more of these vehicles than before, simply because your brain is wired to notice them; getting clear on the kind of partner you want will help this type of person stand out when you do cross paths.
So, get yourself a note-taking app or a journal and pen, and sit in a calm, quiet and maybe even inspiring spot. If it feels good to get clearer, you can meditate in your usual way, or check out Deepak Chopra’s short Intention audio or my relaxing Insight Timer meditation before your start.
Here are 55 questions to ask yourself and answer when you’re getting clear on the partner of your dreams. Be as detailed and honest with yourself as possible. For each heading: start a new page, picture and write down:
Your dream partner’s physical characteristics
- How tall are they?
- What do their eyes look like?
- What kind of clothes do they wear?
- Are they slim, curvy or athletic?
- What age are they?
- How does it feel when you hug them?
- Or run your fingers through their hair?
- Are they well-groomed?
- Can they pick you up, or how does it feel when you sweep them off their feet?
- What does their voice sound like?
- Are they a physical mixture of people you already find attractive?
Imagine your ideal partner is sitting across from you; visualize their hair, eyes, face, clothes, body.
What they are like mentally and emotionally
- Are they kind, successful, empathetic, intellectual, easy-going?
- How do you feel around them?
- How would you describe their personality?
- Are they introverted or extroverted?
- What is your level of communication with them like?
- Do they enjoy talking on the phone?
- How do they behave around your friends?
- What makes them smile?
- How do they interact with animals and children?
- Are they agnostic, atheist, spiritual or religious?
- What are their political views on big issues?
- What is their relationship history like?
- How do they treat their family and parents?
- How do they compliment your personality?
- Are they emotionally expressive?
- What is their favorite love language?
- How do they most often show you their love?
Think about what worked in your previous relationships, and where there might be room for improvement. Are there any unhelpful “types” or patterns you’d like to stop repeating? Think of behaviors and characteristics you admire in those around you that you’d like to experience in your ideal partner.
How do they spend their time
- How do they spend their evenings and weekends?
- What do they enjoy learning about?
- Which industry do they work in?
- What’s their working environment like?
- How do they feel about their career?
- Do they volunteer or support any causes?
- What are their friends like?
- What kind of books and articles do they read?
- Which movies, music and shows do they enjoy?
- Are they into sports and keeping fit?
- Do they go to talks – if so, what kind?
- What’s their diet like?
- Do they like to party?
- What kind of vacations do they go on?
You’re likely to spend a lot of your free time with your partner, so how they want to spend theirs should be compatible with how you spend yours! Try to picture you spending your free time with your partner and what you are getting up to together.
Their relationship and life aspirations
- Do they want a committed relationship?
- What about marriage and kids?
- How important is sex in a relationship to them?
- Or monogamy?
- What kind of house do they live or want to live in?
- How tidy is it and how do they want to split domestic responsibilities?
- Do they prefer living in an urban environment or in nature?
- In which country or city?
- How do they feel about pets?
- What difference do they want to make in the world?
- How important are your extended families?
- How much do they care about their career or financial success?
- Are they working on their own self-improvement?
Different views on domestic responsibilities, child-rearing, finances and sex are common factors in break-ups and divorces, so thinking through what your ideal partner would want can be a good idea.
Final thoughts
This exercise should help you get clearer on the partner of your dreams and kind of life you want to live with them. Looking at your lists, it can also help to ask yourself whether there are any areas you want to work on or that you might’ve let slide, to help you attract that kind of person. For example, if you’d like a mate who is fit and healthy, it could be a good idea to have your own sport or exercise routine you enjoy. If you want a partner who volunteers, sign up to help a local charity yourself. You’re likely to meet and attract more people with those interests if you’re doing them too.
Once you’re clear on what you want, and if you’re truly open and ready to meet new people, you never know what – or who – is just around the corner.
Thanks for reading! You can sign up for more of my relationship and wellness content and tools at www.jessicawarren.co <3