How many times have you thought to yourself “He just doesn’t get it” or “I don’t feel my supervisor understands me,” or “She talks too much”? With all these, effective listening could actually make a huge difference. Whether it’s a partner, supervisor, or friend–if this person zips their lips and actively listens, you’ll feel better understood.

Think of someone who makes you feel comfortable and relaxed no matter how chaotic your life may be. Someone who makes you feel that all is right with the world even if it may be crashing down in front of you. When you need comfort, who do you turn to? My guess is whoever this person; he or she possesses one vitally important trait: good listening skills. Being a good listener can be the difference that makes the difference in so many areas in life. This is especially true in business. I see it time and time again with my business coaching clients. They come in terrible listeners and leave having learned to actively listen and better understand their colleagues. This ultimately translates into better business.

Here’s how you can learn to listen like a pro:

1. Eye contact.

By looking the person in the eye you send a message to them: I’m paying attention, I care, and I’m listening. Don’t stare at the person dead in the eyes as this can be seen as too intense or even feel intimidating, but rather, look slightly off center to the left or right eye.

2. Ask open-ended questions.

This will show them that you’re actually interested in what the person has to say and could possibly help the speaker to open up and share more information. That said, avoid questions that have a “yes” or “no” response as that would dead end the conversation. For example, if someone is telling about an event they went to, instead of asking “Did you like it?” Say “Tell me about it.”

3. Be empathetic.

This is accomplished through many things you’ll do. Some are verbal, others non-verbal. Identify what their emotions are and connect with them. For instance, if a friend is telling you about a recent health scare and they’re feeling anxious, you might say “I understand how difficult it might make you feel to not know exactly what is going on yet.” Also, providing words such as “yes” or “I understand” while they are speaking will help them to feel listened to. Non-verbal ways to build rapport and show you care would be to sit with an open stance as opposed to folded arms, and to nod reassuringly.

4. Don’t jump to a solution.

If you do, then you might not be fully listening, because you’re strategizing while they’re talking. Sometimes what people want, and need, is simply someone to listen and not necessarily a solution. If they ask for your advice, then that’s a different story and you can provide it.

5. Avoid bringing yourself into the conversation.

By saying things like “that’s exactly what I went through” you run the risk of alienating the person. Usually people, on an emotional level, don’t have the same experiences, so by saying that you did you might end up showing a lack of sensitivity and could minimize their experience.

6. Make it all about them and put yourself in their shoes.

Rather than thinking about a response, try to understand what they’re going through at an emotional level. For example, if a friend tells you about losing a job, think about their situation and how it might impact them, not how you would feel if you were in their situation.

7. Don’t interrogate or interrupt.

Although these might seem like obvious things to avoid, people need to be reminded. So many of my clients, when talking about their spouses, say that they feel they are being cross-examined by an attorney or that they aren’t being listened to at all due to the frequent interruptions. Stay focused on the person in front of you. Let them talk. You can gently ask questions later.

So, next time you find yourself engaging in conversation, practice being a really good listener. Start with the clerk at the store. Engage the person in conversation and put these seven tips into action. Then try them out with your colleagues and friends. You might be amazed at how effective you can be by simply listening better.

Originally published at


  • Jonathan Alpert

    Psychotherapist, executive performance coach, and author of Be Fearless: Change Your Life in 28 Days. Twitter: @JonathanAlpert

    Jonathan Alpert is a psychotherapist, columnist, performance coach and author in Manhattan. As a psychotherapist, he has helped countless couples and individuals overcome a wide range of challenges and go on to achieve success. He discussed his results-oriented approach in his 2012 New York Times Opinion piece, “In Therapy Forever? Enough Already”, which continues to be debated and garner international attention. Alpert is frequently interviewed by major TV, print and digital media outlets and has appeared on the Today Show, CNN, FOX, and Good Morning America discussing current events, mental health, hard news stories, celebrities/politicians, as well as lifestyle and hot-button issues. He appears in the 2010 Oscar-winning documentary, Inside Job commenting on the financial crisis. With his unique insight into how people think and their motivations, Alpert helps clients develop and strengthen their brands. He has been a spokesperson for NutriBullet, Liberty Mutual insurance, and Enterprise Rent-A-Car. Jonathan’s 2012 book BE FEARLESS: Change Your Life in 28 Days has been translated into six languages worldwide. Alpert continues to provide advice to the masses through his, Huffington Post, and Thrive columns. @JonathanAlpert