She stands under the shower. Head tilted back, allowing the hot water to soothe her soul as the waves of tears fall from her eyes.
This is it.
No more.
She can’t take anymore.
How could she have let this happen to her? How could she be so stupid?
The pain feels unbearable. Like a hand has ripped through her heart and is trying to pull her into herself.
She feels sick.
She wretches.
As she looks up, she catches a glimpse of herself in the mirror. It’s almost like a dream. Who is this woman?
The black train tracks of betrayal etch their way down her face.
She steps from the shower and wipes the mirror clean. Her face is so unfamiliar she can barely recognise the woman staring back at her.
How could she let this happen?
Am I not good enough? Am I not beautiful enough? Funny enough? Sexy enough? AM I NOT ENOUGH?
She can’t face the day, face the people she has to smile to and pretend that everything is okay. They don’t know her; who she really is.
How could they, she doesn’t even know herself.
She can’t remember the last time she was happy. Like, truly content. The shackles of her misery have kept her bound to the darkness. A place she can’t escape. A place she almost calls home.
No wonder he did this.
She doesn’t blame him. Why would he want to love her?
She can’t even love herself.
It might seem that the world sometimes throws all the shit it has at you, all at the same time. But life isn’t a complete bitch. It wouldn’t do these things if it didn’t know you could handle it.
Because you can.
You know you can.
Think of the times when you’ve felt that you have nothing left and suddenly you make it work.
Those times when anxiety has crippled you to the point where you think your head is going to explode. But you’ve taken a deep breath and you’ve put one foot in front of the other and you’ve made it.
You pulled through.
The times that fear has grabbed you by the throat and rendered you speechless. You’re trembling, and your head is just repeating ‘You cant do this’, over and over.
But you do, you DO IT.
You have resilience like no other. You have strength like no other. You have a deep knowing like no other. And when you find your way to it, you have a feeling like no other.
Pure ecstasy.
That my friend, is true connection. And true connection to yourself, is not waltzing through every day without so much as a whiff of anxiety, or stress, or fear, it’s knowing that whatever life decides to throw at you, you have the resources within yourself to deal with it. It’s knowing that you are good enough to fight the fight for yourself. That you are worthy.
So yes, times will get tough. And yes, there will be times when you’re on the floor. But don’t you want to always be able to find that little glimmer of light, that glimmer of hope that rests in your heart?
That girl, crying in the shower, that was me 8 years ago. Broken hearted by a man, but mainly by myself. I had spent years trying to be someone I thought everyone wanted me to be and finally, I cracked.
Cracked myself wide open, and the only thing I could do was take a good look. I couldn’t ignore it anymore. It was ugly. It was like wading through the sewage system of my heart and finding blockage after blockage.
What the hell had I done?
I’d ignored who I was. I’d said yes to everyone but me. I’d denied myself love.
Real love. Self love.
And so my journey began. A journey to me, to my soul, to my freedom. And it wasn’t in the slightest bit as difficult as my mind had made out it would be. Yes, there were times of darkness, but nothing like that morning in the shower. I grew to love who I was. Wholeheartedly. And not in an arrogant way. In a compassionate way. In a gentle way. In a way that helped me grow.
I soon began attracting supportive and loving people into my life, people I believed I deserved. I gave myself permission to feel shit without judgment or blame. I gave myself permission to say no and people began to respect me. I was proud of myself. I was strong. I was empowered. I was happy.
I allowed myself to be happy.
Yes, it’s an allowance thing. All of life is what we allow. What we allow ourselves to be, to feel, to receive, to achieve.
I’m a coach that specialises in helping women cultivate a deep knowing and self love for themselves, so they are able to go out and achieve all that they desire. If you’d like to work with me then I’d love to hear from you.
www.mariabanobre.com // [email protected]
Originally published at medium.com