A Relationship Therapist Asks: “Are You Really, Really Ready For A Relationship?”

Sometimes when things aren’t working out, it may be that you’re just not ready for a relationship:

As a relationship therapist, I also got to see single clients struggling with relationship or commitment issues. I was presented with clients reporting that the person they were going out with (sometimes for long periods) turned out to be either unwilling to commit or some were surprisingly already married. This caused great pain and disillusionment.

My clients were often stunned when I asked whether they were really, really ready for a relationship. Many thought they were, when in fact they weren’t. In other words, people may think they’re ready to settle down, but in reality their behaviour or those that they attract, can reveal that the opposite is true.

We are fed the fantasy by the Media and fairy tale stories that tell us that one day our dreams will come true and that some ‘prince or princess’ will arrive to rescue and walk us hand in hand into the horizon so we can live happily ever after. And when this doesn’t happen many can land up often crippled with sadness and disappointment.

At no point does anyone asks themselves whether they are actually ready to commit or whether they themselves have commitment issues. In other words, people think they’re ready to settle down, but in reality their behaviour can reveal that the opposite is true.

This does not mean it will never happen. It just means that they need to either address their intimacy issues or they may have to wait until they truly ready to settle down. And sometimes some people never feel ready to settle down – and don’t.

For some women, not being ready to settle down, can become problematic. If women want children and their body clock has started ticking, then waving a magic wand and finding a partner quickly may prove rather difficult, especially if a woman isn’t emotionally ready to commit. Or if they’re not quite ready to become a parent either. 

But also, if and when the so-called ‘prince or princess’ does arrive, they may not be what you want or expect. You may be far too picky or fussy, forgetting that no one person will ever make anyone truly happy. Believing that they will, can only lead to disappointment and misery. 

Sadly, many forget that birds of a feather flock together, and that we often attract people who mirror our issues. Therefore, before we point fingers at others, we need to look at our OWN issues first.

This saying is relevant too: “Become who you want to be with”. Why? We attract people who are similar to us, or who we have become. This is why a course in self-development can come in very handy.

Sadly, many wait for a partner to rescue them so that they can start living the life they always wanted. But again, this is often a fantasy. Usually, you have to start living the life you want – so that you can attract the partner you want.

And when you get on with your life, when you travel, develop interests of your own and enjoy life, it’s uncanny that just when you’re not looking – that someone will emerge almost as if from nowhere. But until then – please be patient. Focus on ‘you’ and get on with building your career, and so on.

But know this too: When Mr or Miss Right does arrive, they may not be what you think you want. They may not have the colour hair, or the colour eyes or the personality that you may have hoped for. Instead, they may just be exactly what you need! You just have to be clever enough to spot the difference. But understanding this relationship truth, often requires a bit of life experience and a certain amount of maturity.


Because often our fantasy of who we want to attract is just that – a fantasy. And this can get in the way of your committing to the best person suited to your needs.

And yes, you may just have to wait a while for that person, but until then, learn to become the best version of you – so that you can become really, really ready for a relationship.

© Deidré Wallace. All rights reserved.

Deidré Wallace is a relationship therapist and educator. She has had a private practice for the past 20 years. For more information, visit her blog website here: https://relationshipknowledge.com/

#relationships, #dating #love #CommitmentIssues, #marriage #couples #SelfDevelopment