This simple yet profound insight—“All feelings are welcome, all behaviors are not”—from developmental psychologist Dr. Aliza Pressman is a quote I share over and over again. Why? Because it resonates deeply—not only with parents navigating the turbulent seas of child-rearing but also with educators, leaders, and anyone committed to nurturing healthy, meaningful relationships.
For the full interview, listen to our Evolving with Gratitude podcast episode. Also available on your favorite podcast platform.
Balancing Sensitivity and Boundaries
In a recent chat with Dr. Pressman, New York Times bestselling author of The 5 Principles of Parenting and host of the award-winning podcast Raising Good Humans, we explored the power of balancing emotional sensitivity with clear boundaries.
Aliza explained, “You get to be as mad, as happy, as sad, as jealous, as angry, as frustrated as you want… Those feelings are yours to own.” She continued, “The behaviors that I’m expecting, I still get to expect.” It’s a powerful reminder that while we’re entitled to our emotions, we are not entitled to act in ways that harm others, harm ourselves, or violate boundaries.
Authoritative Parenting: The Sweet Spot
The concept Dr. Pressman emphasizes is authoritative parenting, deeply rooted in decades of research. Today, this approach is often referred to as autonomy-supportive parenting in the research literature, as it emphasizes both emotional responsiveness and support for a child’s growing independence. Unlike authoritarian parenting (strict without emotional connection) or permissive parenting (sensitive without sufficient boundaries), authoritative parenting harmoniously integrates emotional attunement and clear, loving limits.
That balance of sensitivity and boundaries is what Aliza described as the authoritative approach, where “you are able to steer the ship that makes people feel safe because you are seeing them, but you’re also in charge.”
Achieving this balance isn’t always easy, but perfection isn’t required. Dr. Pressman reassured, “The bar is actually pretty low. If the majority of the time you’re able to balance the limits and the love, you’re good. It’s about progress, not perfection.”
If the majority of the time you’re able to balance the limits and the love, you’re good. It’s about progress, not perfection.
– Dr. Aliza Pressman
It’s about showing up with intention and consistency more often than not, and trusting that those repeated efforts become our main approach—one that helps shape resilient, secure kids.
The 5 Rs for Raising Good Humans
In her book, Aliza outlines five core principles—what she calls the “5 Rs.” While these principles are not brand-new ideas, this framework is her way of organizing decades of developmental science into something memorable and actionable for parents. These five Rs are the components we can actually influence—and they have a powerful impact on our children’s development:
- Relationship: The most powerful environmental influence on a child. It’s about paying attention, staying attuned, and being emotionally available so kids feel seen and supported.
- Reflection: The capacity to pause, think, and make conscious choices about how we respond—not just react—especially in moments of challenge.
- Regulation: Managing our own nervous systems so we can help our children manage theirs. It starts with the adult’s ability to stay calm and grounded.
- Rules: Clear and consistent boundaries that help children feel safe. As Dr. Pressman puts it, “loving limits” are part of what helps kids thrive.
- Repair: Coming back together after a rupture. Whether we yell, overstep, or withdraw, repair teaches children that relationships can mend and deepen over time.
Relationship is the single most powerful environmental influence on our kids.
– Dr. Aliza Pressman
These principles help build resilience, particularly through nurturing secure relationships.
Understanding and Navigating Stress
Dr. Pressman clarified the role of stress in resilience:
- Positive Stress: Essential for building resilience, such as forgetting homework or minor social setbacks.
- Tolerable Stress: Becomes manageable with support from a caring adult.
- Toxic Stress: Chronic and harmful stress, including abuse or neglect, which can severely impact health and well-being.
The everyday challenges that fall into the category of positive stress are the manageable moments—like forgetting a uniform or missing an assignment—that help children develop resilience. “What you’re not doing is saying, I don’t want you to experience that. I’ll get there in time. Your coach will never know. Because then we’re fixing the very thing that is like the baby muscle building that we need.” If we step in to eliminate every small stressor, we deprive them of the chance to cultivate the coping skills they’ll need for bigger challenges later in life.
Perspective-Taking is a Superpower
One of my favorite parts of our conversation was geeking out with Aliza about theory of mind—the developmental leap when a child understands that others have different thoughts, knowledge, and experiences than their own.
And while this shift begins in early childhood, Aliza reminds us that it’s a lifelong practice. “If we mind read all the time with the assumption that the other person would think and feel exactly as we do, then there is very little room for open curiosity and connection,” she said. Whether we’re parenting, teaching, or leading, remembering that we don’t have the full story opens the door to empathy.
Parenting Teens: Channel Your Inner Cat
Dr. Pressman humorously but insightfully suggested being “more like a cat than a dog” when parenting teens—quietly available rather than overly enthusiastic.
Young kids need us to be like dogs—enthusiastic, affectionate, and obviously attentive. But teens? Not so much. As they strive for independence, Aliza encourages us to embrace our inner cat: nearby but not hovering, present but not pressing. “Be curled up at the end of the sofa,” she explained, “but don’t be licking their face and wagging your tail.”
This quieter form of presence creates a secure base for teens to return to without feeling smothered. Aliza explained, “If you can transition as you see your adolescent wanting to individuate more, kind of wanting you around, but not really bothering them, it’s a lot easier to get that sense that they’re safe to come to you, but you’re not needy and desperate.”
This is especially important during adolescence, when individuation and autonomy are central developmental tasks. Being consistently present—but not overbearing—allows teens to explore independence while staying anchored to connection.
Personalizing Parenting
Dr. Pressman also reminded us parenting is personal. “You’re uniquely suited to raise your children,” she affirmed kindly. We can pick a few key values aligned with our family and the science, focus on those, and give ourselves grace on the rest.
I walked away from our conversation empowered and deeply grateful. Dr. Aliza Pressman provides invaluable insights for fostering deeper connections, healthier boundaries, and resilient, thriving communities. Let’s reflect, recalibrate, and recommit to raising good humans—one thoughtful interaction, one repaired moment, one loving limit at a time.
In Bold Gratitude,
Lainie
Connect with and learn from Aliza Pressman
Website: DrAliza.com
Podcast: Raising Good Humans
Newsletter: DrAlizaPressman.substack.com
Book: The 5 Principles of Parenting: Your Essential Guide to Raising Good Humans
Instagram: @RaisingGoodHumansPodcast
