Do you have a pattern of attracting emotionally unavailable men?

Let me explain what I mean.

It is a well researched fact that women who unconsciously want to ‘play it safe’ have a history of being with men who are for one reason or another emotionally unavailable.

Playing it safe in the game of romance, means to find partners that will keep their emotional distance. If a woman has a fear of intimacy, a fear of letting go of control or a fear of sharing her space with someone, these are just a few examples of playing it safe.

When a man is emotionally unavailable he will be:

– Guarded in revealing his emotions

– He can be vulnerable to infidelity

– He may lie about finances or any number of things.

– There is always a wall between him and his partner

Do you find yourself in relationships with mature men who for one reason or another are really not committed to an honest and trustworthy relationship?

Are you just unlucky in love and you end up in relationships with cheaters, liars and even married men?

Or do you find that (on an unconscious level) you are more comfortable and therefore attracted to the type of man who withholds his emotions and keep a distance between you and him?

So Where Does the Emotionally
Unavailable Man Problem Lie?

To understand more…

Below is a perfect example of why women attract emotionally unavailable men.

The following comment was in a response to a blog on my website. This woman’s story demonstrates a pattern of attracting men who are unavailable.

She writes:

“Like Julia, I have always been very firm in my belief that extramarital relationships are a complete and absolute no-no and that I would NEVER be a part of one. I’ve recently discovered that I am not immune to the susceptibility…and really, no one probably is.

I divorced my first husband after 20 years because of his infidelity. I caught him cheating 7 times throughout our marriage and feel certain there were more that I was unaware of. The divorce was 8 years ago. For the following 5 1/2 years, I focused completely on raising my children. I didn’t date, didn’t even talk to any men outside of friends of the family. He has remarried.

Within 4 months of moving my youngest off to college, I reconnected with a man that I had dated when we were in Jr. High. We had not seen each other in almost 30years. But my parents had seen his a few times over the years. Because of this, I didn’t do a background check on him and took everything he told me about himself at face value. BIG mistake. I ended up getting pressured by him into marrying him, at great cost to myself. Turns out that everything he told me about himself was a lie. He was a con man and within a month of the wedding, I discovered some of the major lies. These were egregious and insurmountable. I divorced him immediately. He was remarried within a year.

About six months ago, I met a man at a place where I have been going for 20 years. A place filled with life long friends of the family. I was immediately attracted to him and we struck up a conversation. The attraction was obviously mutual. Before the night ended, I asked the question…”Are you married?”…the answer was yes. Very disappointing, but at that moment I said “oh…that stinks, but you are completely off-limits”.

Over the ensuing weeks, we saw each other at that place and developed a friendship, a “camaraderie” if you will. I don’t remember the exact moment that my attitude changed, but there came a moment when a closer relationship became completely ok in my mind. In his, too. Finally, one night we just took things to the next level. And have done so several times since. Most of the time, our time spent together is simply two friends talking.

When a friend asked me to explain to her how I could allow myself to get caught up in such a situation, before I even knew what I was saying, I told her “I’ve lived the high road for so long and I’m alone. The two a$$holes that were without morals have someone to share their lives with. It seems to me, the high road doesn’t pay off. I like spending time with [my married man] and I’m going to enjoy this time while I can.”

I am not ready to have a person in my life and home on a full time basis. I know that what I am doing is morally wrong…and I am conflicted, very much so. So far, though, I haven’t found the fortitude to stop. It is my hope that I will, soon. And the very rational person that I am is aware of all the pitfalls, complications, potentials for hurt…but the rarely seen emotional side of me just doesn’t seem to care at this point. Despite all the logic.

Anyway…I wanted to share how I found that it is very easy and one can find themselves in this situation when one’s defenses are down.”

What is Revealed About Emotional Unavailability From
Her Story?

“I am not ready to have a person in my life and home on a full time basis” reveals that she is playing it safe with men and by attracting a married man she solve this problem.

And she exposed that her “emotional side is rarely seen” which demonstrates that she has intimacy issues.

Now it becomes quite clear on how someone attracts the kind of men who can’t be trusted and can’t commit to healthy relationships.

By identifying these patterns you can change this behavior and began to attract men that are ‘emotionally available.’ It will take some work on your end to become comfortable with intimacy and not playing it safe, but the results are well worth the effort.

Listen, we all have some emotional baggage as we go through life while dating after a middle age.

You can go from attracting emotionally unavailable men to attracting loving and trustworthy relationships.


  • Alex Wise

    Executive Coach, Senior Editor and CEO at

    Well-accomplished bilingual writer for magazines, websites and newspapers about relationships, dating and marriage. Alex teaches online marketing and self-motivation on his down time. Alex is co-founder of Loveawake free dating site