I never thought of myself as someone who would ‘let myself go’. I was into yoga, ate healthy, mostly loved my work and dressed half decently.

I was very invested in my relationship at the time, and made it my priority. But it never occurred to me that by letting it be perpetually smooth, harmonious and routine I was actually slowly suffocating my own needs and the the spark between us. I thought that if we were still having sex we were doing well in terms of spark.

The stress of long work hours and building/renovating houses was often overwhelming and I felt it would be selfish for me to be having too much fun if he was stressed out, or putting extra pressure on him by wanting to go on dates or try new things with me. 

How wrong I was!

Here’s the thing, there are different types of letting ourselves go, and letting ourselves go in terms of sexual spark and inspiration is one of the worst we can do for ourselves and most definitely for our partners or would be partners.

We don’t have to suddenly break out the high heels or sign up for Tantra class, what this means we need to stay ‘in the game’ of life. We need to do things that make us feel good and stay in the practice of having fun with people. When we get good at doing it when it doesn’t matter, it’s a lot easier when it does.

When I work with clients we do a lot of deep work to uncover hidden conditioning that can cause us to hide in relationships or feel unworthy of what we desire. 

But anyone can do a few simple things to keep or rekindle the spark, and it doesn’t have to take a lot of time or break the bank.

Try these for a week or two and I promise you, you’ll be feeling a lot more lit up in no time!

Do something new every single day

Wear something a little different, try a new lipstick, explore a different sport or work out. This helps us stay interested and inspired and helps build confidence and self esteem too.

Practice talking to people

Talk to people more – banter with them, flirt a little, make their day a bit better. When we make a habit of this, its sparks our self confidence and makes it much easier to bring the playful attitude into our relationship or to not to lose our cool if we meet someone we might potentially like a relationship with. If you’re shy, it can be as simple as smiling and saying hello at someone standing in the coffee line – start small and keep it up and it will get easier and easier.

Do things that connect you to your body and make you feel good

You can choose anything that takes your fancy here. Walks in nature? Yoga? Dance? Massage?

I would love for you to choose a few things and mix it up, and make sure to do some slower, more restorative and/or sensual activities too to help with the chronic stress we all deal with. Bonus points if you also mix up things you do alone and things with other people!

Next time I will share how you can find time for awesome dating and feeling deep connection no matter how busy you and your date or partner are. 


  • Ruth Sowter

    Integrated Sex, Love and Relationships Coach

    Ruth Sowter is an Integrated Sex, Love and Relationships coach, yoga teacher, writer, speaker, women’s health expert and healthy hedonism advocate. She has spent a decade and over 10,000 hours of teaching, studying and personal experience to create powerful offerings for single people and couples wanting to find or improve their relationships. She integrates tantric wisdom with modern teachings from psychology and science on emotions, attachment, trauma, and the brain to bring light to our sexual shadow and healing on a level that is relevant to the particular challenges of our modern lives.