It’s essential to balance your compassion with clear vision. Many empathic, loving people naturally focus on the best in others — but healthy relationships require seeing the full picture.
Putting someone on a pedestal or overlooking their limitations can lead to disappointment and leave you open to unhealthy dynamics. No one is above you or beneath you. And when someone honestly tells you who they are — for example, “I’m not the most giving person” — take them at their word.
In The Genius of Empathy, I tell the story of a patient, Jean, a smart, sensitive advertising executive, who was swept away by a new man she met. “He’s so brilliant, affectionate, and fun,” she said. He also told her (which she didn’t believe) that he was extremely independent and wasn’t looking for a committed relationship. This man never deviated from his clear message— but Jean didn’t want to hear it. She thought, If I’m patient, our love will change his mind. Alas, it did not. Inevitably, Jean was painfully let down and felt bitter and resentful for a long time.
Making someone into who you want them to be can lead to heartbreak. It’s like going into a hardware store filled with shelves of cold functional equipment and expecting to get a delicious warm croissant and fresh coffee. It’s not going to happen. Still, Jean was hurt and angry; she blamed him for her misery. Months passed before she was able to accept and even empathize with herself for misreading the situation. She admitted how honest he’d been. It was a painful but useful lesson in accepting what is.
Don’t let unrealistic expectations set you up for a similar scenario. I understand how much we may want love or success, how we may ignore the red flags that are evident from the start of a relationship or a passion project. So, stay clear and strong. Train yourself to see people and situations accurately.
Reality Check from The Genius of Empathy
For any new or ongoing relationships, ask yourself:
- Am I seeing the whole person, their positive and negative traits?
- Am I prone to fantasizing and magical thinking?
- Do I believe what people tell me about themselves, or do I make excuses for them?
- Are my expectations realistic?
- Do I acknowledge warning signs?
Compassionately evaluate your answers to determine where you stand with seeing others clearly. If you answered no to one or more questions, keep watching for how you can better align your expectations with reality.
Don’t keep giving your love and loyalty to people who can’t return it. Also, be careful of expecting more from others than they can give. One definition of insanity is when you keep returning to the same situation but expect different results. Sometimes, having empathy means accepting that someone is doing their best (though it might not be great) and subsequently lowering your expectations. This helps you have realistic relationships with more empathy and acceptance for what others can give, even if it is not what you were hoping for.
Empathy is a gift — but without discernment, it can blur your vision. Learn how unrealistic expectations and idealizing others can lead to disappointment, and how to see people clearly while keeping your heart open.
