All we ever really want in love is to feel a close, special connection with the person we’ve fallen for. We want to feel seen, accepted, heard, and appreciated.

However, what if it’s not your partner who’s hindering the strength of your relationship? What if it’s you?

Take a moment to stop and think about all the things you’ve done to encourage and nurture the love you’re looking for. Be honest about whether you’ve opened up to your partner and let them see the “not so perfect” side of you.

The truth is, maybe your search for love has led you astray, because you’re emotionally unavailable. It’s a hard thing to recognize but understanding your faults in love is the first step to finding the true connection you want to share with another person.

Here are some telltale signs that you might be emotionally unavailable, and what you can do to improve yourself.

You’re Still Working Through Relationship Fears

Everyone has a rational sense of fear when getting into a new relationship. It’s not like you can trust someone completely right after the first date or share all your deepest secrets with them in the first month or so of dating.

You can’t hold back all your fears and doubts, though. You have to make the effort to talk about what makes you hesitant to open up and share the scars that previous relationships have left.

The best way to overcome the things that make you nervous in a new relationship is to be open and honest about them with your new partner. It builds trust and encourages healthy communication habits.

You Haven’t Let Go of a Past Partner

Maybe you’re afraid of being cheated on or heartbroken because your previous partner left a deep wound on your heart. Maybe you’re still in love with someone from your past.

These things are preventing you from moving forward.

It’s hard to create a deep, passionate bond with a romantic partner if your attention isn’t fully focused on them. You can’t keep a previous relationship in the back of your mind and expect to really take your new one somewhere.

Work on letting go, and don’t be afraid to share this process with your new partner. You’d be surprised how much you can both benefit from healing an old wound together.

Your Partner and the Rest of Your Life Are Separate

Have you introduced your new boyfriend to your friends yet? Have you brought them up in conversation with your family? Do you share your hobbies and interests with this person?

Love works best when it’s an integral part of your life. Keeping your romantic relationship and your other personal bonds separate doesn’t do anything to encourage the love you want to create. It does the complete opposite.

Your partner probably feels like they don’t matter to you. or that you’re not proud of being with them. This can push them away, even if you feel otherwise in your heart.

You have to express what you’re feeling, and one of the best ways to do that is through action. This doesn’t mean you have to take the “meet the parents” step right away, but you should at least bring your partner around your friends more often and share your personal interests with him.

You Can’t Understand Your Partner’s Side of Things

Part of being in love means being able to meet your partner halfway. Sometimes, it means going a little further and seeing their side of things instead of being defensive or making assumptions. Such efforts teach you to compromise, make sacrifices, and be there for your partner when they need you.

It doesn’t come naturally for everyone. Maybe you have a tendency to assume your way of thinking is also your partner’s way, or maybe you think your perspective is always right, so your partner should automatically default to you.

This is a huge relationship red flag. It screams that you’re emotionally unavailable because it really says that you’re not willing to try and understand your partner’s side of things. It’s not that you “can’t,” it’s that you “won’t.” At least, not until you realize why understanding their side of a situation is so important.

You’ve Settled Because of Loneliness

Healthy relationships are created by two happy, emotionally stable people. They occur when you and your partner are both in a good place in your life, which makes it easier to reach a good place in your relationship.

You may have a tendency to settle for relationships that you know are wrong for you just because you don’t want to be lonely. Also, don’t be surprised if you realize your partner has the same tendencies.


  • Giordana Toccaceli

    International Dating, Relationship and Intimacy Expert

    Giordana Toccaceli is an International Dating, Relationship and Intimacy Expert having worked with thousands of women and men around the world to become their most attractive and magnetic selves and attract incredible partners into their lives in record time. Giordana has worked with a wide range of clients from Top CEOs, successful entrepreneurs, professional athletes, actors, models and every day men and women. She is a regular contributor to Univision TV's morning show "Despierta Austin" and the Founder of Woman's Allure and the Co-Founder of Embody Love Project.