If you’ve internalized experiences in ways that have hung a question mark on your innate worth, it may take some time for this truth to seep in. The likelihood that an earlier version of yourself will be arguing otherwise doesn’t alter the big-T Truth that even if you never do one significant thing with the rest of your life, you are still worthy. Period. The beauty of knowing that you’re not defined by anything you do—or fail to do—liberates you to take more steps into the gap between where you are and where you want to be, in service of your summum bonum.

When my first book, Find Your Courage, was published, I sent a box of them to Oprah at her Chicago production studio, where she was still doing her daily talk show. I had low expectations of hearing anything back, so it wasn’t surprising when I didn’t. Every author on the planet wanted to be on Oprah’s show, and I was as no-name as they came.

Then one day, a few months later, something remarkable happened.

I was leaving a meeting at a hotel in Washington, DC, a copy of Find Your Courage in my bag, and as I walked past the front reception desk, none other than Oprah’s best friend, Gayle King, walked into the lobby to check in.

Learn to forgive the part of you that wimps out.

Suddenly time stood still. My brain sprang into overdrive. This is my moment, I thought. My chance to give Gayle a copy of my book to pass along to her bestie. I was mere steps from my portal to every author’s version of a golden ticket.

Yet there I stood, frozen, watching Gayle—who appeared weary and focused on getting to her room. It was a no-brainer to take the four and a half steps across the atrium to politely ask if she’d pass my book along to Oprah. But in that Do I? Don’t I? moment—my fear and courage in a full-fisted bar brawl—my fear of being intrusive and feeling awkward won out over my desire to give my book a fighting chance of helping millions.

And so there I remained, motionless, as Gayle took her room key and walked to the elevator.

You’re pathetic. You totally wimped out. You don’t deserve to be on Oprah! My inner critic went ballistic. For a long time afterward, I turned that fleeting moment of cowardice into a baton for beating up on myself. I told no one (until you, now). I felt ashamed. After all, how could I claim to help people be braver if I’d yet to master my own inner wimp?

The part of me that’s scared to feel the sting of rejection lives on and strong. However, as I’ve grown better at listening to the voice in my head feeding wimp pellets to my inner Chicken Little—I’ve gotten better at taking a deep breath and embodying my inner Braveheart. Think Elsa from Frozen. Most of the time. Every so often my inner wimp still wins out.

If we humans didn’t wrestle with fear and sometimes lose, there’d be no need for courage. Our moments of standing on the edge of our courage gap, computing pros and cons, debating Do I? Don’t I? often occur in a fraction of a second. And when we shame ourselves when our fears win out, we not only shut down our inner Braveheart but we avoid risking future failure. It’s why closing your courage gap requires your making peace with your inner wimp, befriending the fear that’s trying to protect you from pain.

“I’m always courageous,” said no one ever. Your fear—in all its many guises . . . pride, procrastination, doubt, “judgyness,” shyness, insecurity, your urge to control and polish the details to perfection—will sometimes get the upper hand.

To be human is to coexist with a gap between who you are being and who you can be, between what you’re doing and what you can do. Counterintuitive as it may feel, your bravest action and highest contribution flow from accepting your fallibility, not resisting it. It is through embracing your vulnerability— to the lowest instincts of your nature and the outer forces of life—that you access your source of greatest strength and summon deeper reserves of courage to rise over fear.

Of all the antidotes to failure—whether it’s falling short of a goal or failing to venture out to begin with – none is more powerful than self-compassion. Forgiving ourselves for being the fallible, imperfect humans that we are isn’t about letting ourselves off the hook; it’s about giving ourselves the grace to do better next time. Research by self-compassion expert Kristin Neff shows that when we extend compassion to ourselves—particularly in those moments when our inner critic wants beat us down—we become less afraid to take risks and cultivate our innate resilience to lift ourselves up.  After all, if we don’t have the tool to get back up, we’ll never be brave enough to risk falling down. 

My inner critic is well practiced. Yet having talked myself into a shame doom loop many times, I’ve come to learn that only by embracing our humanity—in all our ‘flawsomeness’ – can we close the gap between who we are and who we have it within us to become. 

So next time you fail to live up to the person you most want to be and your fear wins out, rather than turning your failure into a baton to beat up on yourself, embrace your stumbles as opportunities to deepen your capacity for learning, for living and for loving. Sure, this will help you grow into a better braver version of yourself. But it will also help you be a little more forgiving of the fallibility in others, deepening our shared humanity and closing the gap between all of us.

Excerpt from THE COURAGE GAP by Dr. Margie Warrell, Women’s Leadership Coach.
Copyright © 2024 by Dr. Margie Warrell.

Author(s)

  • Margie Warrell

    International Speaker and Bestselling Author

    Global Courage

    From her humble beginnings in the Australian bush to advising Fortune 500 leaders and addressing global audiences, Dr Margie Warrell bridges head and heart to helping people thrive in their work, relationships, leadership and life. A sought-after keynote speaker, 5x bestselling author, and trusted leadership advisor, Margie's latest book, The Courage Gap: 5 Steps to Braver Action, distills research and hard-won wisdom into an actionable roadmap to bridge the gap between knowing what to do and actually doing it—helping readers defy their doubts and take the brave actions indispensable for thriving in today's world. More at MargieWarrell.com  four teenage brave-hearted children. Learn more at margiewarrell.com