Making the decision to have a gestational carrier help you have a child in “normal” times is an incredibly stressful and emotional decision.  However, having a surrogate carry your baby during Covid can be particularly challenging.  Many intended parents are experiencing intense anxiety not only about being unable to travel and visit easily, but also for the health and well-being of the carrier and their child.  While this will undoubtedly continue to be a stressful time for everyone involved, there are a few things to think about and do that can help make the journey easier.

What is in my control vs. what is out of my control?

It may sound simple, but trying to identify what is in your control versus what’s out of your control can help you focus your energy on what you can do to maintain an even keel and move your goals forward. The spread of Covid is not in your control, but you and your carrier can do simple things to keep yourselves safe. Some of the most important things you can do to stay safe, which are in your control, are wearing masks when you are out of the house and unable to socially distance, keeping good hygiene and washing your hands frequently, and taking precautions whenever possible. Keeping in touch and staying connected with your carrier is also something you can control. Speak with her during and after doctor appointments and have open and honest conversations.  Prioritizing communication, as well as, putting your safety and the safety of your carrier above all else can feel overwhelming, but recognizing that there are plenty of things that are in fact in your control may help ease anxiety.

Remember, you trust this person!

You’ve likely spent a lot of time finding the best gestational carrier for you. You’ve had multiple conversations full of personal questions and dedicated time thinking about what qualities you were looking for in someone to carry your child. You have likely spoken about some difficult topics—are either of you willing to terminate a pregnancy? How do you feel about multiples? What if the surrogate is on bed rest?—and made sure you were aligned on these tough issues.  No one could have predicted that you’d experience a global pandemic while your surrogate is pregnant, but remember, you trust this person!  You chose her to help you build your family because you trust that she has your and your baby’s best interest at heart.  Trust that she will continue to make the right decisions for herself and for your baby.

Keep in touch and stay connected

Continue to stay in frequent contact with your carrier—it will help each of you get through this time together!  Check in and see how she’s doing, how she’s coping with the pregnancy, what her work situation is like, and how her own family is doing.  Is there anything you can do to make this time easier for her?  Also, be honest about your emotions throughout this journey.  Making sure you’re both connecting and communicating during this difficult period can help ease the burden for both of you.  If your travel plans were disrupted, try video calling more often so you can see each other (and her growing belly!).  This is an opportunity to strengthen your relationship and feel as though you’re getting through it together, as a team.

There may be other challenging issues, such as legal, financial consequences, and additional logistics complicated by Covid-19 that the various agencies you have engaged to help you with the surrogacy process can handle directly. Your communication with the carrier should be as centered on her health, well-being and helping her take as good care of your baby as possible!  Utilize the resources you have and know that you all will get through this unprecedented time together.

This post was written by Alyssa Baron