Are you in a toxic relationship? I used to be in one. Looking back, I can see that I had my misgivings since the very start of my relationship. My heart always knew that it was not right, but my mind took five years to catch up with my heart.
I was yelled at, called names, had things thrown at me, belittled, and felt completely trapped. But, I accepted his behavior. I would forgive and hope that things would change. And when things did seem like they were going to change for the better, he would attack again.
I now know how important it is that people treat you right, and how ultimately it is our own acceptance of other people’s behavior toward us that determines how we truly want to be treated.
If you are in a romantic relationship, my guess is that you did not enter into it to be treated poorly or ignored. You probably went into the relationship hoping to experience love, gratification, and fulfillment. That the roles in the relationship would be equal, and you would always feel loved and supported by your partner in whatever endeavor of your life you were pursuing or whatever situation you were in.
Usually, we know and are self-aware when we are being treated poorly or not up to the standards that we believe a romantic partnership should have. If your partner is insulting you, forcing you to do things against your will, controlling you, depriving you of your needs (perhaps withholding of affection), or simply making you question your own self-worth, it is not okay and it is not healthy for your sense of self and for your soul. Your partner needs to make changes and if you find that he or she is not committed to make the change (although they have repeatedly promised they will change or go to counseling but have yet to follow through), then it is time to start accepting that they are not going to change. Can a tiger ever change its stripes? Once you have accepted that they are not going to change, it is up to you to decide if you want to live with this behavior or if you want out. If you are continually feeling hurt and fed up of being treated poorly, it may be time to close this chapter in your book, and open a new (and better) chapter.
Here are four steps to help you get out of a toxic relationship:
1.) Assign yourself an Affirmation of Empowerment:
I used to be in an emotionally and verbally relationship. He was highly manipulative and each time I would try to leave and said I had enough, he would agree that what he did wasn’t okay, that it wouldn’t happen again, and that he did not mean it the way that I interpreted it (manipulation). I would naively believe him and entered into the cycle of abuse again. I made a chart for you (below) to better help you see the cycle of abuse.
Click here to download the cycle of abuse wheel
Eventually I made the commitment to setting myself free, and to help myself I would say to myself an empowering affirmation when things got ugly between me and my ex. I would tell myself, “You are worthy and deserving of so much more,” and then I would envision myself feeling happy, free, and laughing like my old self again.
There are so many affirmations to assign to yourself. Create one that really resonates with you. Here are some affirmations to help inspire you:
I am worthy of love and joy.
I love myself deeply and fully.
My life is a gift, and I intend to use this gift with joy, honor, and fully loving myself.
I am worthy and can have it all.
I am a spiritual being who is deserving of love and respect.
2.) Know your value and know that you are worthy:
It is easy to lose a sense of yourself when you have been in a toxic relationship for so long. It brings your overall energy down and you start to not feel so great about yourself. It is important during these times to know how amazing you are and how strong you are. Really be compassionate to yourself. Don’t beat yourself up for staying in an abusive relationship for so long. Instead, look at the growth that you have made and what you have learned. In my personal experience, I learned to really honor my journey and love the person for who I was and who I am becoming.
One last word of advice is to understand that you are going to have days where you question if you made the right choice in leaving and you most likely will have days where you miss your ex. But it is important to remember that even if there were good times in the relationship that does not make all the bad times and bad behavior okay. One piece of advice that I always had to remind myself was what would a family member or friend advise me if the roles were reversed.
3.) Begin Shifting Your Mindset:
One of the reasons I convinced myself in staying in an abusive relationship for so long was because I had so much fear. I was afraid that I would not be able to make it on my own. I was afraid of what my family and friends would think of me. I was afraid of not being able to support myself. I was afraid of what my ex would try to do to me. And even though I considered myself an independent woman, I was afraid of being alone. I had so much fear. It truly was paralyzing. It probably stopped me from taking action for a good 3 if not 4 years. I stayed in an unhealthy and unhappy relationship for years out of fear.
Looking back, I can clearly see that the fear was not actually real. However, I had to drastically change my mindset to get out of the relationship. One of the ways was step 2, knowing that I am worthy of something so much better. Indeed, I had to work through so much more beliefs too. Ultimately, all my limiting beliefs came down to the feeling of being worthy. I needed to shift my mindset and know that I was worthy of living in a healthy reality. That I was worthy of money and receiving abundance. That I was worthy of profound and meaningful relationships. That I was worthy of not living in fear. Little by little, I showed up, did that work, and really started believing in myself. By breaking through limiting beliefs, I regained my power – I became (and am still becoming) the person I always dreamed of being.
4.) Stop all contact with your ex:
If you are truly committed to wanting out of the toxic relationship you may find yourself in, you need to stop all contact with your ex. Most toxic partners will try to reach out to you again, even if you have blocked them on your phone and social media. They may try to call on an unidentified number or from their work phone. Perhaps they will use their friends to reach to you. Just stay strong and remember all the reasons why you have left. Remind yourself of your value and that you deserve to be treated with love, honor, and respect. And that you will no accept any behavior in your life that does not align with your values.
I was in a toxic, emotionally and verbally abusive relationship for 5 years. If you you need someone to talk to please feel free to reach out to me at any time. I once was alone and did not want to tell anyone.
Thank you for reading. I hope that this has helped someone in some way.
In Love & Light,
Creator of Living in the Zing