“Resilience isn’t something you’re born with; it’s something you build over time by facing challenges and learning from them. As parents, our role isn’t to shield our children from every difficulty but to guide them through it, showing them that they have the strength to overcome anything life throws their way.”
— Dr. Ashley Poklar
Raising resilient and independent children in today’s world is a challenge many parents face. In this insightful interview, Dr. Ashley Poklar, a seasoned clinical psychologist and parenting expert, delves into the strategies and mindsets that can help parents guide their children through life’s ups and downs.
From the importance of allowing kids to face their fears to the power of acknowledging parental mistakes, Dr. Poklar offers practical advice and profound wisdom on fostering strong, confident individuals. Whether you’re navigating the complexities of parenting or simply seeking ways to strengthen your family bonds, this conversation is packed with valuable insights that every parent should hear.
Ashley, it’s such a pleasure to have you with us today. Parenting is a topic that’s close to everyone’s heart, and I’m sure our readers are eager to hear your thoughts. Let’s start with your background—what drew you to focus on parenting and child development?
Thanks for having me, Stacey. My journey into this field has been shaped by my experiences as a clinical psychologist, especially working with children who’ve faced significant trauma. Over time, I began to see how much of a child’s resilience and ability to cope with life’s challenges are influenced by their upbringing. That realization sparked my passion for helping parents create environments where their children can develop the skills they need to thrive. It’s incredibly rewarding to see how small changes in parenting can make a huge difference in a child’s life.
That’s truly inspiring. You’ve talked about the importance of exposing children to challenging situations. Can you break down why this is so crucial?
Absolutely. When children face challenges, they learn to problem-solve and build resilience. It’s like giving them a toolkit for life. If we shield them from every difficulty, they miss out on learning how to navigate the real world. Challenges teach them that they’re capable of overcoming obstacles, which builds their confidence. On the flip side, when kids are overly protected, they might grow up believing that the world is either too safe or too scary, neither of which prepares them for life’s complexities. It’s through these experiences that they discover their inner strength and learn to trust themselves.
That makes so much sense. But how can parents find the right balance between protecting their kids and letting them face these challenges?
It’s all about finding that sweet spot between providing a safety net and allowing them to experience discomfort. Discomfort is where growth happens, but it’s important to distinguish between discomfort and actual danger. Parents should let their kids take those leaps, knowing that if they fall, they’ll be there to support them. Over time, this approach helps kids build the resilience they’ll need to face life’s ups and downs with confidence.
You’ve also mentioned that parents should acknowledge and apologize for their mistakes. Why is that so important in the parent-child relationship?
Acknowledging mistakes shows children that nobody is perfect and that it’s okay to make errors as long as we own up to them. When parents apologize, it models humility and accountability, teaching kids that relationships are built on trust and honesty. This not only strengthens the bond between parent and child but also gives kids a healthy framework for handling their own mistakes. It’s about showing them that being wrong isn’t the end of the world—it’s an opportunity to learn and grow.
I love that perspective. Speaking of mistakes, what impact does inconsistent parenting have on a child’s development?
Inconsistent parenting can create a lot of confusion and insecurity in children. If a parent’s reactions are unpredictable—like sometimes enforcing rules and sometimes letting things slide—kids can struggle to understand what’s expected of them. This can lead to behavioral issues and difficulties in forming healthy relationships. Consistency gives children a solid foundation; they know what the boundaries are, and they understand the consequences of their actions. This kind of stability is crucial for their emotional and psychological development.
That’s so true. You’ve mentioned “good enough” parenting before. What does that mean, and how does it differ from trying to be the perfect parent?
“Good enough” parenting is about being present, responsive, and loving rather than striving for an unattainable ideal of perfection. Perfectionism can lead to stress and burnout, and it can make parenting feel like an endless to-do list. But when you embrace the idea of being “good enough,” you give yourself permission to be human. It’s okay to make mistakes, and what matters most is how you respond to those mistakes. This approach creates a more relaxed, supportive environment where both you and your children can thrive.
That’s such a comforting approach. How can parents encourage their children to face their fears instead of avoiding them?
It’s all about helping kids build confidence in their ability to overcome challenges. One way to do this is by breaking down fears into smaller, more manageable steps. For instance, if a child is afraid of the dark, you could start by having them spend a few minutes in a dimly lit room, gradually increasing the time and decreasing the light. It’s important to validate their fears while also encouraging them to confront them. Over time, as they see themselves overcoming these smaller fears, their confidence grows, and they start to believe that they can handle bigger challenges, too.
What are some practical strategies parents can use to help their children develop problem-solving skills?
One of the best strategies is to give kids the space to figure things out on their own before stepping in. Instead of providing answers, ask questions that guide them to think critically about the problem. For example, if they’re struggling with a puzzle, you might ask, “What happens if you try this piece?” This encourages them to explore different solutions and think through the problem. Another strategy is to involve them in everyday decisions, like planning a family outing or organizing their room. These experiences help them learn to weigh options, consider consequences, and make decisions—a key aspect of problem-solving.
Those are great tips. How can parents model healthy conflict resolution for their children?
Modeling healthy conflict resolution starts with staying calm and showing that conflicts can be resolved through communication and compromise. When you have a disagreement—whether it’s with your partner, another adult, or even with the child—demonstrate how to address the issue without letting emotions take over. For example, if there’s a disagreement about household chores, calmly explain your perspective, listen to the other person’s side, and work together to find a solution. This shows your child that conflicts don’t have to be confrontational or damaging; they can actually be opportunities for growth and understanding.
Can you share some insights on how parents can address and repair their mistakes with their children?
Repairing mistakes with your children is essential for building a strong, trusting relationship. When you make a mistake—whether it’s losing your temper, making an unfair judgment, or failing to follow through on a promise—the first step is to acknowledge it openly. Approach your child with humility and sincerity, and say something like, “I’m sorry for how I acted earlier. I was frustrated, and I didn’t handle it the way I should have.” Then, invite them to share how they felt during the incident. This not only helps to heal any hurt feelings but also opens up a dialogue that can prevent similar issues in the future. It’s about showing them that relationships can be repaired, and that making amends is a key part of maintaining strong connections.
That’s so important. In your work with the Sentinel Foundation, how do you support parents dealing with the trauma their children have experienced?
At the Sentinel Foundation, we provide a range of services to support parents and children who’ve experienced trauma. This includes psychological assessments to understand the specific impacts of trauma on a child, as well as individualized support plans that provide strategies for parents to help their child heal. We also offer training and resources to help parents create a nurturing and supportive environment that fosters resilience and recovery. In some cases, we connect families with additional services, such as therapy or counseling, to ensure that they have all the support they need. Our goal is to empower parents with the tools and knowledge they need to help their children not just survive but thrive despite the challenges they’ve faced.
How can parents recognize if their child is struggling with a deeper issue that might require professional intervention?
Recognizing when a child is struggling with a deeper issue can be challenging, especially since children often express their distress in subtle ways. Some signs to watch for include significant changes in behavior, such as withdrawing from activities they used to enjoy, becoming more irritable or aggressive, or showing signs of anxiety or depression. Other red flags might include changes in sleep patterns, eating habits, or academic performance. If you notice these signs persisting over time, it’s important to seek professional help. Early intervention can make a big difference in addressing these issues before they escalate. Consulting with a psychologist or counselor who specializes in child development can provide clarity and help you determine the best course of action.
What role does open communication play in preventing and addressing these deeper issues?
Open communication is absolutely essential. When children feel that they can talk to their parents about anything—without fear of judgment or punishment—they’re more likely to open up about what’s bothering them. This not only helps to prevent small issues from becoming bigger problems, but it also strengthens the bond between parent and child. Parents can encourage open communication by regularly checking in with their children, asking open-ended questions, and actively listening without interrupting or immediately offering solutions. Creating a safe and supportive environment where children feel heard and understood is crucial for their emotional and mental well-being.
How can parents foster resilience in children who have experienced significant setbacks or trauma?
Fostering resilience in children who have experienced significant setbacks or trauma is about helping them rebuild their sense of control and self-worth. One of the most effective ways to do this is by setting small, achievable goals that allow them to experience success and regain confidence in their abilities. It’s also important to validate their feelings and experiences, acknowledging the pain or fear they may have gone through, while gently encouraging them to keep moving forward. Building resilience is a gradual process that involves teaching children that setbacks are a natural part of life and that they have the strength to overcome them. Providing consistent support and celebrating their progress, no matter how small, helps to reinforce their belief in their own resilience.
What advice would you give to parents who are struggling with guilt over their parenting decisions?
Parental guilt is something almost every parent experiences at some point, but it’s important not to let it overshadow your efforts to grow and improve. Parenting is a continuous learning process, and it’s natural to make mistakes along the way. Rather than dwelling on what you perceive as past failures, try to focus on what you can do differently moving forward. Reflect on the situations that caused you guilt and consider how you might handle them better in the future. It’s also helpful to seek support from other parents, professionals, or support groups who can offer guidance and reassurance. Remember, your willingness to learn and adapt is what makes you a good parent, not the absence of mistakes.
How can parents better prepare their children for the inevitable failures and setbacks they’ll face in life?
Preparing children for life’s inevitable failures and setbacks involves teaching them to see these experiences as opportunities for growth rather than as reflections of their self-worth. Parents can model this by sharing their own experiences with failure and discussing how they overcame them. Encouraging a growth mindset in children—where they view challenges as a normal part of life and a chance to learn something new—helps them approach setbacks with resilience. It’s also important to praise effort and perseverance rather than just results so children learn to value the process of working through difficulties. This mindset will serve them well throughout their lives, helping them to bounce back from disappointments and keep moving forward.
What are some signs that a child is developing resilience?
Resilience in children can manifest in several ways. One sign is how quickly they bounce back from setbacks—whether it’s a minor disappointment like not winning a game or a more significant challenge like adjusting to a new school. Resilient children tend to show persistence; they keep trying even when things get tough. They also exhibit emotional awareness, being able to express their feelings and recover from negative emotions more effectively. Additionally, resilient children are often more willing to take on new challenges and confident in their ability to figure things out as they go. A positive outlook, coupled with the willingness to ask for help when needed, are also key indicators that a child is developing resilience.
How can parents ensure that they are setting appropriate and consistent boundaries for their children?
Setting appropriate and consistent boundaries involves being clear about your expectations and the reasons behind them. It’s crucial to communicate these boundaries in a way that is understandable to your child and to follow through with consequences when those boundaries are tested. Consistency is key—if a boundary is important, it needs to be enforced every time. This helps children understand the importance of rules and the consequences of their actions. It’s also important to involve children in the process when appropriate, giving them a sense of ownership and understanding of why certain boundaries are in place. This not only helps them respect the rules but also teaches them about responsibility and the importance of consistency in their own lives.
What role does self-care play in effective parenting, especially in challenging situations?
Self-care is absolutely essential for effective parenting, particularly in challenging situations. When parents neglect their own needs, they’re more likely to become stressed, irritable, and less patient—none of which is conducive to good parenting. Taking time to recharge, whether it’s through exercise, hobbies, or simply a few moments of quiet, helps parents maintain their emotional and physical well-being. This, in turn, allows them to be more present, patient, and responsive to their children’s needs. It also sets a positive example for children, teaching them the importance of taking care of themselves. In the long run, prioritizing self-care helps create a healthier and more balanced family dynamic.
Lastly, what resources does the Sentinel Foundation offer to parents who are seeking to improve their parenting skills or address specific challenges?
The Sentinel Foundation offers a comprehensive range of resources designed to support parents in various aspects of their parenting journey. We provide psychological assessments for children who have experienced trauma, helping to create tailored support plans that address their unique needs. We also offer parent training sessions that focus on building effective parenting strategies, managing difficult behaviors, and fostering resilience in children. Additionally, we have support groups and one-on-one consultations available for parents who need more personalized guidance. Our mission is to empower parents with the knowledge and tools they need to create safe, nurturing environments where their children can thrive.
That’s fantastic. Thank you so much, Ashley, for sharing your insights with us today. How can our readers further follow your work online?
They can visit FoundationSentinel.org for more information about our services and resources. I’m also available through my private practice at ApoklarPonders.org. Both websites provide contact information and additional resources for parents.
Wonderful. This has been an enlightening conversation, and I’m sure our readers will take away valuable insights. Thank you again, Ashley, for your time and wisdom.
Thank you, Stacey. It’s been a pleasure.
Psychologist, PhD