If you are like me, you’ve often tried very hard to get a gift right, wording in conversations and cards, and either still not 100 happy with it or its not received in the way we hope?
Congratulations, you aren’t a mind reader either!
I often talk about the fact that we are the expert in our own life, yep, we are! Our own life and the choices we make are based on our view, our experiences, thoughts, and feelings. We are not the expert in someone else’s life. We may have thoughts and opinions, we may see a path for them but they may choose not to take it. We can offer up what we would do but ultimately its their choice because only they can see the vision of what they dream and hope for. They can try to describe it to us and we may get a really good picture but the colours and shapes will be different based on their life experiences. So of course, we cannot choose the perfect words for them, the perfect gift, or experience for others (unless you really are a mind reader and, in that case, a HUGE congratulations!).
So, what can we do? Well, here’s where we can all be magicians and use the magic words. Abracadabra (nope thats not it!).
Drum roll please… Ask the expert – them!
Ask them questions like:
What could I gift you that would show you how much you mean to me?
What can I do for you that would lighten the load for you today?
What would a relaxing experience as a treat look like for you?
And if you are feeling extra cheeky and caring, you could ask “what else”? This question encourages them to think at a deeper level, to see into their hearts and reveal a truth in what they need.
Now don’t go and ask all these questions all at once. You’ll know when you should ask, trust your instincts. Here’s a big tip; it’s usually those times when you recognise your over thinking or spending so much time on an idea and still aren’t sure if they’ll like it. That’s when you ask! I know they will appreciate that you did.
I’m not saying if they ask for 100 lobsters you go right out and get them, what I am saying is you now know what they’d like and now you can choose to give it to them or not, in your way. For example: you could gift them a card that has 100 lobsters printed on the front and write a note inside “Here is the best way I could give you your lobsters”. Or maybe you can’t afford to take them to a fancy seafood restaurant, but you could purchase a lobster from the seafood markets and prepare it for them. I know they will appreciate being heard and possibly have a giggle plus, you are enjoying it so much more, right?
If they’ve asked for 100 hours binge watching a tv series together and you aren’t in the same town, you could watch it via Zoom together like my friend Caru and I did with Thelma & Louise. If you are in the same town but cant spare the time or don’t like the series, you could tell them what you can do. For example: “I am not a huge fan of that series so I cant watch 100 hours of that one but I can watch 1 episode and maybe you can tell me what you love about it?”. Or “I love that you want to spend so much time with me, how about we take turns each week in choosing something to do for 30 minutes together. This week we can start with your tv show”. This way you are both getting what you need.
How is this self-care? I think you already know the answer to that, but I’ll tell you how I see it. When we take care of our whole self, we don’t put ourselves through stress, we speak from the truth in our hearts and we don’t try to have all the answers for someone else. We take care of the people we love in a way that they need and in turn we are teaching others how to treat us.
I’d love to hear what you’ve heard, how you’ve responded or how this has changed your life so please reach out and let me know.