Nobody has created a “Dating App” yet.
Bumble, OKCupid, Tinder, Match, and Hinge match people regarding shared interests and superficial two-dimensional attraction but they don’t help them “date.”
They leave the “how” of dating, courtship, and romance up to the people that match.
And therein lies the problem.
Because dear few today people are in agreement today about what constitutes “dating.”
I’m going to argue that many of our beliefs and assumptions about romance, courtship, dating, sex, marriage, love, intimacy and eros exist in our subconsciouses, out of reach from even ourselves.
This is a blindspot that AI can address.
Many potential relationships “fall off” due to unintentional drops in momentum that are misread as disinterest; other budding relationships end because one person feels pressured into becoming intimate faster than they prefer. The pacing of texting, phoning and in-person activities as well as sexuality is the real reason why most incipient relationships are failing today. The razor’s edge between lovebombing/stalking and playing it cool while building trust is difficult to walk. For both parties, expectations are disappointments waiting to happen: if I expect a text or phone call every day but the person I’m dating is too busy for a day or two I could misread that as disinterest and shut down my emotions in order to protect myself from imagined potential rejection.
So the real value will be added to supposed “Dating Apps” when AI can discern the unsaid, the unspoken, the unspeakable i.e., what is in people’s subconsciouses regarding how they build trust with a new person, how they establish rapport, what they like to banter about, how and more importantly when they feel comfortable discussing certain delicate topics, their dating “styles,” and what pace best suits both of them — as well as their individual love languages — so that neither party misinterprets the other party or loses interest.
I believe it would be possible to discern from say 10 wildly unobvious questions — as well as publicly available information such as social media — HOW individuals like to date, their styles and frequency of communication, etc. Things that they don’t know that they don’t know. Things that they only clock when they’ve gone awry, when it’s too late.
Having written and taught about authenticity for 15 years, I can tell you that everyone says that they crave authenticity, yet if it occurs too quickly it is usually overwhelming. Individuals need to establish rapport and build trust (which obviously takes time) BEFORE being transparent. Vulnerability and authenticity are appreciated, but if they occur too soon — information about ex-partners, childhood traumas, venereal diseases, peculiar financial and family situations, jail, etc. — then it usually registers as a red-flag.
This is something AI could correct.
Dating should be about sharing experiences, not about interviewing a person to see if they can play the role of your sidekick in the script in your head called “This Is What My Life Should Resemble.” There is no one-size-fits-all “How to Date” manual — especially for the 4 or 5 co-existing generations. Each person is unique and does not want to provide a list of instructions of what they think will work and not work for them to a potential partner. It actually kills the romance when someone explicitly states their wants, needs, and expectations at the onset.
Dates should be about creating “uniquely familiar” and “marginally surprising” shared experiences. Dominoes and Pepsi on a park bench is familiar but not unique; landing a helicopter in your front yard is unique yet toounfamiliar.
Again, AI could reckon the perfect sequence of fun outings so that couples could make cool memories and get to know each other organically.
For first dates, the matchmakers I know give extremely specific instructions on what each person should wear (dinner jacket and no sneakers for the man), who should arrive first, who will pay, what to avoid discussing (politics, finances, messed-up childhoods), and strongly suggest no fooling around on the first date — not even a kiss. In contrast to the amorphousness of “hanging out” for millennials and GenZ, I assure you that freedom exists within structure. The structure removes the guesswork and awkward questions from at least the first date.
Nobody really understands the subconscious signaling — semiotics — involved in first impressions — body language, clothing brands, jewelry, watches — what they are unintentionally expressing, and how it is being received subconsciously by their potential mate.
Most guys over-emphasize trying to look hip, successful, wealthy, cool and macho at the expense of empathy, compassion and vulnerability. “How you do anything is how you do everything.” A guy in Los Angeles may think it’s cool to wear flip-flops and a baseball cap to a first date but his lack effort will subconsciously signal to the girl how much effort he will put into the relationship.
AI could help both parties find or create bonding experiences and avoid interview-y questions that come across as judgmental or are “too” authentic, too soon. For example, you might find this pretentious but my ideal first date is meeting at a museum: I believe I’ll learn more about a potential partner by exploring our shared interests in art rather than asking her direct questions. I’ll usually end the date by inviting her for tea and snacks at the museum cafe. If the date went well I’ll propose a second date — often offering to go together to my favorite yoga class, on a hike, to the movies, to the symphony together, or to my favorite restaurant that she’s never been to (but not a trendy, expensive LA-scene restaurant). Dating, for me, is about sharing quality time, learning, wanting the other person to expand their horizons, and experiencing new things together — not about answering questions about your favorite vacation destinations, which are really just questions about social status and finances.
So I hope that someone packs the wisdom of psychologists, relationship experts, romance experts and matchmakers into an AI app that gently guides couples through the process of building trust the way two people would organically do so say by bumping into each other over six months at the water cooler, pool, tennis court, or cafe — instead of the often forced interview-y “dates” that are occurring today.