Who are the people in your life who effortlessly connect with others? The ones who ask the right questions, listen deeply, and leave you feeling truly understood?
Charles Duhigg, Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist, bestselling author, and writer for The New Yorker, calls them supercommunicators. And here’s the good news: This isn’t an inborn trait—it’s a set of learnable skills.
I had the privilege of sitting down with Charles to talk about his latest book, Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection, and I was struck by how he operationalized something as vast and complex as communication. His approach isn’t just theoretical—it’s deeply practical, breaking down communication into clear strategies anyone can use to connect more effectively.
For the full interview, listen to our Evolving with Gratitude podcast episode. Also available on your favorite podcast platform.
The Three Types of Conversations
One of the core ideas in Supercommunicators is that every conversation fits into one of three categories:
- Practical: Problem-solving, planning, and exchanging information.
- Emotional: Expressing feelings and seeking understanding, not solutions.
- Social: Navigating identity, relationships, and our place in the world.
Where we often go wrong is when we mismatch these conversation types. “If I’m having a practical conversation, and you’re having an emotional conversation, we literally have trouble hearing what the other person is trying to say,” Charles explained. This is what happened when he would vent about work to his wife, and she’d offer solutions—he wasn’t looking for advice, but rather emotional validation.
This is known as the matching principle—successful communication happens when both people are having the same type of conversation at the same time. And when a conversation needs to shift, Supercommunicators navigate that transition with care.
Asking Questions That Matter
One of the most powerful tools in a supercommunicator’s toolkit is asking deep questions—questions that tap into someone’s values, beliefs, and experiences. “Rather than asking someone about the facts of their life, ask them how they feel about their life,” Charles said.
For example, instead of asking a doctor where they work, you might ask, What made you decide to become a doctor? This invites them to share something meaningful, allowing for a deeper connection. And as Charles pointed out, answering deep questions is often easier than we think—it just requires the right invitation.
Rather than asking someone about the facts of their life,
ask them how they feel about their life.
– Charles Duhigg
Did I Get That Right?
We’ve all heard that good communication starts with listening. But Charles took it a step further: Prove you’re listening. This is where looping for understanding comes in. It’s a three-step process:
- Ask a deep question.
- Summarize what the person said in your own words. “The goal is not mimicry,” Charles explained. “The goal is to show them that you’re processing what they’ve said.”
- Ask if you got it right. This is where the magic happens. When someone confirms that you truly understood them, they become much more open to listening to you in return.
“When I believe you are listening to me, when I acknowledge that you are listening to me, I become much, much more likely to listen to you,” Charles said.
The Role of Quiet Negotiation
Another concept from Supercommunicators that resonated deeply is quiet negotiation—the subtle back-and-forth that happens at the start of any discussion, even before we realize it. “A quiet negotiation is different from a normal negotiation in that you’re not trying to win something,” Charles explained. “You’re just trying to understand what the other person wants to talk about.”
By recognizing this unspoken negotiation, we can become more intentional in setting the tone for a conversation, leading to more productive and meaningful exchanges.
It’s Not About Agreement
One of the most profound takeaways from my conversation with Charles was his insight into why we communicate in the first place. “The goal of a conversation is not to convince you that you’re wrong and I’m right,” he said. “It’s to understand each other.”
This is especially relevant in high-stakes discussions—whether it’s vaccine hesitancy, political disagreements, or personal conflicts. Charles noted that we often assume if people had the same information as us, they would agree. But in reality, people make decisions based on deeply held values and worldviews. The key isn’t to bombard them with facts but to genuinely seek to understand why they see the world the way they do.
The goal of a conversation is not to convince you that you’re wrong and I’m right. It’s to understand each other.
– Charles Duhigg
Made, Not Born
Charles left us with a powerful reminder: Supercommunicators aren’t born; they’re made. “Sometimes we look at really charismatic folks and think, Oh, they were born that way,” he said. “What supercommunicators do is they take those skills and they practice them a little bit until they become habits. And our brain is designed to actually make these communication skills into habits very, very quickly.”
That means each of us has the potential to become a supercommunicator. By practicing deep questions, matching conversation types, looping for understanding, and recognizing quiet negotiations, we can foster deeper connections and more meaningful conversations in every area of our lives.
What’s one step you can take today to become a supercommunicator?
In Bold Gratitude,
Lainie
Connect with and learn from Charles Duhigg
Website: CharlesDuhigg.com
