1. anxiety that results from simultaneously holding contradictory or otherwise incompatible
attitudes, beliefs, or the like, as when one likes a person but disapproves strongly of one of his or her

The Cognitive Bit…


1. of or relating to cognition; concerned with the act or process of knowing, perceiving, etc. :cognitive development; cognitive functioning.

2. of or relating to the mental processes of perception, memory, judgment, and reasoning, as contrasted with emotional and volitional processes.

The Dissonance Bit…


1. inharmonious or harsh sound; discord; cacophony.

2. Music.

A. a simultaneous combination of tones conventionally accepted as being in a state of unrest and needing completion.

B. an unresolved, discordant chord or interval.

Compare consonance (def 3).

3. disagreement or incongruity.

Cognitive dissonance occurs when we experience a state of holding two or more contradictory thoughts or beliefs at one time.

For people healing from a toxic relationship* this can cause emotional confusion and anxiety.

Cognitive Dissonance in emotionally abusive relationships or following one is painful on so many levels.

In a relationship this can be the belief that their partner loves them, as they are being told they are loved; but experience conflict when their behaviour isn’t mirroring the words.

It could be a person holds the belief that mothers knows what is best for her child, but the conflict arises when they see evidence that have acted in a violently, or in an unkind or abusive way towards them.

And this is why people say they feel like they are going crazy… A very specific kind of crazy!

It maybe a coworker is treating you disrespectfully; but is respectful to everyone else, you say something about the way you have been treated, but no one else understands what you are saying, they may even say but they speak so highly of you, which confuses you even more.

Eventually you may start wondering what is happening, you can’t trust your own judgement.

And the film Gaslight (1940 or 1944) is an example of this; a man meets a young women, she falls deeply in love with him and believes he feels the same about her. They run away and marry. With his eyes on his wife’s inheritance, he starts to play with her mind in order to convince her she is going crazy.

The husband systematically manipulates her, the term “Gaslighting” is now commonly used to describe this manipulative behaviour.

When we experience any form of anxiety or go through a prolonged period of stress our brains go into survival mode; we can’t deal with any big decisions, we can barely look after ourselves. Melanie Tonia Evans says in one of her videos that researchers have discovered the brain basically shuts down to protect its self from further trauma.

Cognitive Dissonance or Gaslighting is a unique experience for each individual; it is very different from a normal break-up, be it romantic, friendship, family member or work colleague. Only a person who has gone through this very specific form of abuse will understand what it is like and how deep the trauma runs.

And the worst thing you can say to someone is get over it, its like telling someone suffering from depression to cheer up.

If you have experienced this form of abuse it is important to surround yourself with people who TRUELY understand what you have experienced.

For me, understanding what cognitive dissonance and the effects it has on the brain was like waking up from some form of hibernation. The state your brain works from has been described as a fog.

When I understood what I had been through, why my brain couldn’t compute, why I was reacting totally out of character, and how this had happened; it was really only the very start of my healing. It was as if someone had turned on a light, and the relief was huge, I wasn’t THAT crazy!

I could literally feel the tension leave my body and it was a HUGE milestone in my own recovery.

This form of abuse penetrates so many levels, so many layers; your brain has been tricked to believe what you were told was the truth, it takes time to de-traumatise. And it is so easy to slip back down the dark hole, when faced with new facts, new situations.

When I explain this to the clients I am working with, who are going through the same thing, I watch their expression and I know exactly how they are feeling. I see the puzzled look as I explain the three stages of emotional abuse • Idolise • Devalue • Discard; and it too is like they are waking up, a veil has been lifted, I watch them change before my eyes!

Picking up the pieces and understanding what had been going on, was huge for me; but taking my experiences and helping others has been so empowering.

Taking it deeper and not just healing that relationship but the ones before it; going back to the core issue and healing that is for the key to the process.

This is why I do what I do…

This is why I talk about my experiences…

This is why I am so passionate about Core Issue Healing and my coaching is based around it.

I meet so many people, who are living in that state of confusion.

I meet so many people, who have so many questions unanswered.

I meet so many people, who believe it was all their fault.

I believe healing at the Core is the only way to really clear the Trauma, claim back your power and making sure it never happens again!


  • Elizabeth Goddard

    Author of the A-Z of Emotional Abuse and Finding Lily I help people break the invisible bonds that keep them trapped after a relationship

    Through my own healing journey, I know the damage emotional abuse leaves both in your internal life and your external, physical, and financial life because I’ve been there.

    This was a game and I didn’t have the rules. After an unhealthy relationship, I was left a shell of my former self and I’d lost everything; I was broke and I was broken… 

    I was stuck in a debilitating cycle of questioning and doubting myself- 

    “If only I had said… If only I hadn’t said… Maybe if I had done… Maybe if I hadn’t done… “ I thought it was all my fault.

    The very first part of healing was dealing with the invisible bonds the Trauma Bonding, which kept me trapped unable to move on.  I eventually realised it really wouldn’t have made any difference if I had said or done anything differently I would still be here, I might have been granted more time but I also might have been even more traumatised. 

    I believe the emotions we feel are trapped trauma and we experience over and over again until we remove it completely from our system. 

    And that we need to get to the root cause, and much like a verruca, if a tiny part of the root is left it will lay dormant until it is triggered again. 

    The problem with a lot of methods is they only scratch the surface of the problem and act more like a bandaid rather than a full solution…

    Every step I have taken over the last 20 years has brought me to this point to be able to spot the hallmarks of abuse and transform the grit into gold

    Each new level of understanding has expanded my toolbox.

    I am so passionate about the work I do with clients, seeing them gain the clarity and the inner healing is magical and to see their faces change physically after just one session inspires me. 

    And I love having a business that allows me to travel, for travel was something that saved me when I was going through my own healing journey. 

    When I’m not working on Revive Your Soul, you will probably find me in my garden tending to my vegetables, might find me walking along the canals, writing, or meeting friends for coffee. Or you might spot me at the airport…

    Elizabeth Goddard

     Author - Finding Lily & A-Z of Emotional Abuse and Emotional Abuse Specialist