It’s a tedious task because we don’t always see the good in us, we always believe that the rest is better and that we are surrounded by flaws, like the weeds that must be pulled up in spring to allow the flowers to grow: we are the weeds.
Despite of having obtained good grades in these projects I have been able to realize that, perhaps, I have not carried out that introspective study that we should do, since I was either guided by the indications of the teacher or I wrote in such a way that the teacher read what she expected to find; it’s one of the advantages of having been writing for so long, people end up believing any story that you tell, they even attribute that experience to you and they affirm that it is based on real experiences.
Taking advantage of the fact that we are living a difficult situation and have too much time to think, I thought it was appropriate to make an analysis of something we have very present these days: the feelings. These are a weakness, a threat, a strength and even an opportunity; it’s what hurts us, what makes us crazy, what makes us more empathetic and human, what opens doors to new experiences and people.
One feeling that’s been in my mind for a while is sadness. If there’s one thing I tend to do, very often, it’s to repress. Every time I feel helpless, sad or angry I take a glass of water and drink it, thinking that I can swallow these feelings as if they were pills; it’s a metaphor, but life is not a poem and it doesn’t always work. We cannot bottle up what we feel, we cannot label it and choose, when we think it’s necessary, how to react to a situation; life is an improvised act.
Mental health is one of the most important factors (not to say the most important factor), it’s what makes us up and forms us, the brain is the machine that allows our function. Everything is in the mind: the way we perceive things, first impressions, the way we manage stress, anxiety or fears; everything is created from the imagination, from impulses or chemical reactions, everything has a logical explanation even if we interpret it as a matter of the heart and not of intelligence. Ignoring the internal process that we do is a threat, because it turns us into small compact bombs that explode when they’re seen; we do our best to contain what we consider unnecessary until there is no more weight that can be handled and everything explodes.
I consider that being disappointed, sad or angry is unnecessary and I avoid feeling that way by repeating to myself “I’m fine” and smiling if there is any circumstance that could affect me; I don’t want to show myself like that and I thought it was one of my strengths when in fact, it actually is one of my weaknesses because I waste more energy pretending and keeping calm than letting myself be carried away by what makes me human. I haven’t reached the point of bursting, not for now at least; but I have managed to identify what makes me strong and gives me opportunities: allowing myself to be.
I can say that this decade has been the most realistic of my life, since I have gone through so many relationships and experiences that I can only say that I have become someone more aware of my situation. And it’s scary.
I can’t claim how quickly time has passed. I started the last part of this last decade we lived with anger and incomprehension: “Did I do something wrong?“, “what’s the point of making an effort, after all?“; The following months were somewhat nervous: I had so many things to do, I knew of others that were going to happen and the fear of checking that I couldn’t stop that, that I coudn’t be able to not live that moments and I was available to what the universe wanted.
The terror of not being good enough, the poor choice of having high expectations or the fear of not having spent the hours of the latter era well. I didn’t allow myself to feel that, my mind was always full of stimuli and things that would distract that drowning when everything was silent and I was still; facing your vision of the world and your own reflection is complicated.
I’ve wasted a lot of time trying to avoid any unpleasant feelings when that’s actually part of being a person. Now I allow myself to be disillusioned, angry or cry, even if I don’t want to and I think it’s useless; I shouldn’t feel bad about expressing what I feel and carrying out the actions I want, for following the advice I give.
I should not feel bad about wanting to burn bridges or cut off relationships that are already very broken, I will not waste any more time and I don’t care if the righteous pay for sinners; I am righteous and I have paid my punishment. I shouldn’t feel bad about getting upset with certain people, about wanting to stop talking to someone, or about starting a new friendship; I shouldn’t feel bad about preferring to do other activities or spend my leisure time in other occupations. I shouldn’t feel bad about being myself, everyone has the right to turn their back or say hello in the morning, why not me, too?
Uno de los motivos por los que este tipo de análisis es realizado es porque después de una temporada debemos volver a analizar nuestro entorno y comparar: ¿hemos conseguido llegar a nuestras metas?, ¿hemos cambiado algo?
One of the reasons why this type of analysis is done is because after a period of time we have to re-analyse our environment and compare: have we reached our goals, have we achieved our objectives, have we changed anything? From my own experience, yes, I have managed to achieve my goals even though there is still work to be done: I no longer regret it. It’s okay if you get angry for no reason, if you feel happier than usual, if you scream or cry and have moments of loneliness, that’s the result of a change.
So, I invite you to take such an examination and I encourage you to ask yourself if you are that person you aspire to be: are you where you thought you were going to be ten years ago?