Today’s mainstream, populist culture celebrates unhealthy versions of success, oriented around financial and material gain; think insta-bragging “self-made” entrepreneurs, posed jetset glamour, get-rich-quick schemes and vain Kardashian-esque hype. But this is vacuous, shallow and appealing to egocentricity, with these projections thrust out into the world devoid of soulful substance. These trending icons and representations of apparently “having it all” might trigger envy – oh that butt filler, those MTV cribs, the bank balance of that 17-year-old Bitcoin trader extraordinaire – but they do not create inspired action. They create hollow desire and a sense of lack. They do not offer action or opportunity for the wistful voyeur. The core problem with this shallow approach is that there’s a take, take, take culture, swirling with entitlement, instead of fostering what really matters: to give, create and contribute.
In scientific terms, hedonic theory is at play. Hedonism is our instinctive motivation to pursue and create pleasure (comfort) and avoid pain (discomfort). This is what drives endless psychological expansion. But within our endless pursuit of happiness – the master quest of humanity – is what’s known as the Hedonic Treadmill. This is when all the new materialistic stuff and achievements that initially felt amazing quickly fade into “Hmm, I think I need another designer bag now” or “Yeah, yeah, that award was so last month, thanks. Let’s get a more prestigious one next …” Each uplevelling soon becomes the norm, and then the desire for bigger hits hard again. The pursuit of expansion is core to each of us. We will forever chase more life experience, knowledge, growth and, ever-pressingly as we mature, impact. The magic, however, lies in the pursuit itself, way above the achievements.
Motivation is where the striving begins. Without motivation, we won’t even start pursuing our ambitions. How rewarding achievement feels depends on where the motivation originated from in the first place. Generally, motivation is driven by either one of two forces – an intrinsic urge to master an ability, or an extrinsic urge to gain recognition and status. Think of extrinsic motivations as driving toward something outside of ourselves, and intrinsic within.
Intrinsic motivations are always resonant with our values, so pursuing and achieving them will invariably feel more satisfying than those extrinsic success metrics like money and power. When we chase any version of success oriented toward status and symbols thereof, not only is there risk of failure, rejection, competition, etc., but even once the goal is smashed, this type of success eventually feels shallow. Think of the old “money can’t buy you happiness” adage and many a midlife crisis pivot (career, relationship, hair colour or otherwise!). Regardless of commensurate financial reward, and however high the bank balance is creeping, if the goal isn’t an intrinsic one, you won’t feel satisfied.
Importantly and interestingly though, motivation is also affected by whether or not our goal is promotion-oriented or prevention-oriented, whether we are compelled to chase success for the sheer thrill of the goal, or to avoid the shame of failure. Pay attention to this as you work through this book, as you want to hone your goals and motivations around the promotion-oriented type. Promotion-oriented motivation is deemed adaptive and healthy because we learn as we go, build skill in the seeming struggle and enjoy the striving as much as the achievement (if not more). On the other hand, a prevention oriented attitude is maladaptive because we are driven to succeed only to avoid failure. An entirely different beast. Maladaptive motivation can be exhausting as we become riddled with anxiety, fearing any threat of failure. Instead of pleasure in the pursuit, there’s panic.
So, when you look at your goals, are they promotion- or prevention oriented? Is your approach to success adaptive or maladaptive? Katherine Morgan Schafler, queen of perfectionism management, suggests it’s far more enriching when we adapt from the inside out, stating, “As you learn the skills to adapt inwardly, to your version of success, based on your values; your striving takes on more excitement, more meaning and – most significantly – more joy.” So, when we’re adaptive and playing to win, we are fuelled by optimism and reward-seeking, but when playing not to lose, fear means we’ll experience more stress and worry and thus risk burning out. When doing work because it feels satisfying and aligned with our values, the doing itself gives us pleasure because we know on the other side of the apparent struggle lies the ability to soar. So the “struggle” by its very nature isn’t painful, it’s just effort, and effort feels worthwhile. We feel wealthy through sheer pursuit.
It’s the maladaptive amongst us, the women who are prevention-oriented and predominantly extrinsically motivated, who may endlessly seek a version of “other-dependent” success, finding the pursuit itself stressful and, once the goal is accomplished, that there’s a heavy emptiness, an uncomfortable itch of “Is that all?” It’s baffled therapists, psychiatrists and researchers aplenty, why when the goal is achieved it doesn’t always feel satisfying. Described as an “inverse ratio” between success and insecurity, if there’s been maladaptive striving at play, once we get the material success we’ve been obsessed with for so long, that final accomplishment can actually increase anxiety rather than feel satisfying. As Schlafer states, “The experience of winning forces you to realize there are no substitutes for self-worth or presence. Not one.” Success is thus very much an internal state deeply connected to self-worth and how intentionally we are pursuing our overarching purpose in life, intrinsically motivated and promotion-oriented.
There’s bounty in impassioned effort and becoming besotted with the doing and creating. Once you’re empowered by your motivation perspectives, inner goals aligned with outer effort, and are persistently diligent, worshipping effort as though it’s your religion, please don’t ever then waste any energy feeling jealous of those who seemingly instantaneously get what they want, those “overnight successes” or the “got rich quickers”. As happiness and leadership professor Dr Tal Ben-Shahar puts it: “Talent and success without the moderating effect of failure can be detrimental, even dangerous.” Think of the privileged few who are born into wealth who fall into addictions or obesity, lustfully living with every whim indulged, never seemingly happy, always on the edge of emptiness. They haven’t learned resilience. Haven’t had to persevere, overcome adversity and get gritty. And so they keep seeking thrills, pills and anything to build a feeling of substantiality. Don’t envy them; they secretly envy you.
Excerpted from Big Impact Without Burnout: 8 Energizing Strategies to Stop Struggling and Start Soaring, by Bianca Best. Watkins Publishing, March 11, 2025. Preorder your copy here.