A Journey Through My Own Spiritual Hell

I can only describe the last few weeks as my very own, personal spiritual hell. The sad truth is that I had been here before and that was an even scarier thought. I knew it all to well, the feeling is disconnect that seemed to get worse with each passing day. It felt like a deep, dark hole I couldn’t get out of. I was alone and there was no one to understand what I was going through. I couldn’t even find the words to describe what was happening. I was lost, confused and I couldn’t pull myself out. I tried everything. I spent countless hours trying to meditate, sleep, ground myself, pray, set intentions, sleep some more, nothing worked and no amount of sage seemed to release me from this torment.

My connection was gone! I couldn’t feel it. I knew I still had clients to serve so I went into service mode. Thankfully my disconnection didn’t stop me from serving them. I could connect for them and receive the messages and direction they needed. For them and others I had no problem connecting, but for myself, I was empty. I became triggered, angered and emotional. Once the tears started falling I couldn’t make them stop. I locked myself in the bathroom so no one could see the anguish written plain as day on my face. I was searching and the more I searched for answers, searched for a connection, the more disconnected I felt. I was tired, stressed and frustrated. My conversations with people weren’t helping. I was told that I lived in a fairy tale and fantasy world, out of touch with reality and real life, and was contradicting myself. I didn’t know worse was possible, but here I was staring worse in the face. The hole I was climbing out of seemed to get deeper, darker and further from the light.

The next morning I woke up to a notification that a friend tagged me in a comment. My mentor, Maru Iabichela, was live streaming about four ways to handle when things fall apart. In this Facebook live she spoke about building a new stronger foundation and to not ask why this is happening but instead to say I don’t know why this is happening, but thank you God. So I did. Every time thoughts of saying why came into my mind I reframed and said I don’t know why this is happening, but thank you God. It was the New Moon. I tried to perform and complete my new moon ritual to no avail. I decided to sleep, but I couldn’t do that either. I put on some solfeggio tones and grabbed my colouring book and began colouring. Instantly, the message was clear, the Divine is all around me. This I knew of course, but in my own discord and distress I had forgotten. The Divine was in the air I was breathing, the clouds in the sky, the trees in the ground. Visions of past lives flooded my mind. I was always a healer, this was and is who I am.

This morning I woke up and a friend sent me a link to Oprah’s Super Soul Sunday where she interviewed Dr. Michael Bernard Beckwith where he talked about the “Dark Night of the Soul”. That was it, this is what I had been going through. He talked about shedding the skin of who you were, but not yet being who you are becoming. He said to ask yourself “If this experience were to last forever, what quality would have to emerge for me to have peace of mind?” And the answer for me was Love.

So although, I still don’t know who I am becoming and I haven’t fully found my connection; I am embracing this journey with love. Love for the journey, love for the Divine, and love for myself. And despite the fact that I haven’t fully emerged from the deepest, darkest depths, today I can at least see the light and that is good enough for me.

Originally published at medium.com