Imagine you’re in a team meeting. One colleague offers their input thoughtfully, while another jumps in mid-sentence, talking over their colleague, eager to share their thoughts. Both actions are bids for attention, yet one is seen as professional, and the other, disruptive. What do these behaviors have in common? They’re both ways of seeking connection. The key difference lies in how we perceive and respond to them.
Understanding Bids for Attention
Bids for attention aren’t just about communication; they’re essential for building trust and maintaining a healthy, productive work environment. When we miss or reject bids, it can lead to disengagement and inefficiencies. Conversely, consistently turning towards bids fosters stronger relationships, higher morale, and more effective teamwork.
Dr. John Gottman, a relationship researcher, teaches that bids for attention, affection, or acceptance are critical moments for connection. Dr. Gottman even calls these bids “sliding door” moments, the moments that build or erode trust. In these moments, it’s important to consider the context and individual needs when deciding how to respond. We also need to be mindful of differences in communication styles to interpret and respond effectively, ensuring that everyone feels understood and valued.
Dr. Gottman’s research reveals three ways to respond to a bid:
- Turning towards (acknowledging the bid)
- Turning away (ignoring or missing the bid)
- Turning against (rejecting the bid in an argumentative or dismissive way)
Here’s an examples of how this could play out in the workplace:
Bid for Attention:
- “I’m unclear on how to move forward with this project.”
Potential Responses:
- “I already covered this in the meeting. You should have been paying attention.” (Turning Against)
- “Hold on, I’ll deal with your question when I get a chance.” (Turning Away)
- “Let’s review the key points. Show me what part you’re unsure about, and we’ll clarify it together.” (Turning Towards)
Now, imagine being on the receiving end of the “turning against” or “turning away” responses. How would you feel? Contrast that with the effect of “turning towards.” Chances are, you’ve experienced similar situations yourself.
We all know that behavior is a form of communication, and bids can be verbal or non-verbal. Responding to every bid may feel overwhelming, but even small, consistent responses—like a smile or a nod—can have a significant impact. These small gestures build trust, contribute to a more positive environment, and ultimately improve productivity and well-being.
3 Ways to Cultivate a “Turn Towards” Culture
1. Analyze Your Impact
Everyday interactions shape our relationships, and by mapping them, we can see the bigger picture of our influence. This includes all connections—clients, colleagues, and other key stakeholders—ensuring that everyone feels valued and part of the team.
I use a strategy I call Connection Mapping for Positive Impact. This approach creates a visual of our relationships, helps us identify areas for growth, and ensures no one is overlooked. By strengthening these connections, we foster meaningful relationships across all areas of work.
Start by drawing a central circle for yourself and connecting it to the people you interact with regularly—colleagues, direct reports, or mentors. Use different colored pens to add names and reflect on the value of each connection. Then, add sticky notes or annotations with ideas for deeper connection. Finally, choose one action to follow through on in the coming week. Wrap up by reflecting on how these small steps can strengthen your relationships and overall impact.
2. Create Opportunities for Connection
Whether leading a team or managing a project, there are moments when responding to every bid is impossible. However, creating a culture of psychological safety through practices like “Permission Slips” helps build trust and openness. By allowing team members to express their needs without fear of judgment, you foster not only connection but also a sense of well-being that can reduce stress and improve team performance.
I use the “Permission Slips” practice, where participants write down what they give themselves permission to do during a meeting. Sharing these slips helps build trust and connection, but no one is pressured to share. Over time, the impact grows.
Sometimes, we crave attention from a specific person, while other times, we just need to feel seen and valued. By proactively creating opportunities for connection, we foster a sense of community where others support and connect with us, even when a specific individual cannot.
3. Empower Others to Make Positive Bids
Bids for attention are natural in any relationship. Our goal isn’t to reduce them but to encourage them in healthy, productive ways. By modeling positive behavior and encouraging transparency, we create an environment where people feel safe expressing their needs. Here are some ways you can empower others to make positive bids:
- Encourage Open Communication: Set the tone by inviting feedback, questions, and ideas during meetings. Use prompts like “I’d love to hear everyone’s thoughts” or “Does anyone have a different perspective?”
- Acknowledge Contributions Authentically: Instead of offering a generic “thank you,” be specific about what the person contributed and how it added value. For example, “Your suggestion about adjusting the timeline really helped clarify the next steps for the team.” Authentic and detailed recognition encourages continued engagement and shows that their input truly matters.
- Lead by Example: Be transparent about your own needs or challenges. If you need help or clarity, voice it. This shows that asking for support is a strength, not a weakness, and encourages others to do the same.
When people feel safe and heard, they contribute more meaningfully. This can result in fewer misunderstandings, faster problem-solving, and better decision-making.
When we know we are valued, we naturally give our best and more.
Workplace Well-Being and Psychological Safety
Turning towards bids strengthens relationships and fosters workplace well-being. When employees feel seen and valued, stress levels decrease, and psychological safety improves, leading to better morale and performance.
“Attention is the rarest and purest form of generosity.”
—Simone Weil
With so many things vying for our attention, it’s important to prioritize how we connect with each other. Start by practicing small shifts in your day-to-day interactions—acknowledge a colleague’s input with a nod or smile, ask a clarifying question, or offer constructive feedback. By turning towards bids for attention, we don’t just improve relationships—we create more effective, supportive, and resilient work environments.
With gratitude,
Lainie
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