Sometimes we’re confused about our own desires. Instead of identifying what we actually care about, we end up making goals or pursing things based on what we think we are “supposed” to be doing, or what we “should” achieve.

I’m guilty of this myself.

Before we got engaged we had looked at rings together, and I always went for white gold and diamonds. That’s what everyone was doing, and it seemed like an obvious choice. So that’s what I got. A few years later, we were looking for an upgrade for our 5 year anniversary (which we had planned when we got married), and I had a revelation. 

I would never in a million years pick out a diamond for anything. They aren’t my favorite stone, and I don’t love them. So I didn’t get one. Instead, I used an independent jeweler to create a gold and unheated sapphire ring that I love. I don’t know why I couldn’t see that before; the haze of engagements and everyone else’s ring pics on social media probably. It’s almost as if I couldn’t see any options, simply because there seemed to be such a strong precedent for what you were supposed to do.

A few years after we got married, I REALLy wanted us to buy a house. It seemed like a big deal that really mattered, especially as more and more of our friends and people in our age group were posting their new house pictures.

And then one day I realized that we didn’t need a house. Honestly, we had already moved from Chamberlain to Dallas, and I knew I would love to move again. And now that we live in AZ, I LOVE it….but I would be ready to move again when the time comes. Because I don’t think I am ready to settle down into plan to live somewhere forever. So I’m going to love all my friend’s new house purchasing pics…but I’m not going to feel pressured to get one of my own.

I also have an online business, and there are SO many expectations there —

To have a certain number of followers.

To post a certain amount of content.

To have a beautiful website.

To make a certain amount of money per month.

To look a certain way.

To use the right pictures, copy, and graphics.

And it can be so easy to get sucked into that whole world and believe that those are the things that I NEED to have because I’m the one who wants them. But in real life….I don’t want all of that. And I have the ability to determine what I actually want for me, my life, and my business. It doesn’t have to look like anyone else’s, and it might even end up surprising me, as much as anyone else!

Often it means creating space and time to be by myself so I have the solitude in which to know my own heart and desires. And rather than making assumptions about what I “should” want…I can figure out what I actually DO want. I find that my journaling practice, lots of time walking and in nature, and visualization are extremely helpful for me. It’s a work in progress, but I’m enjoying it, and I enjoy helping others get there as well.

Hannah Hassler is an Integration Coach helping humans deconstruct unconscious fears and mindset blocks in order to fully integrate their deepest desires & unachieved goals so that they can live their fullest lives.