My first tip is to learn how to identify and express your feelings in a useful way. Many people struggle to actually identify and share how they feel. This is known as alexithymia. Feelings are the currency of a romantic relationship, so you must invest as a couple by sharing and discussing those feelings with each other. Specifically, make sure you are talking about what you want more than what you don’t want. I have seen many couples that claim to be great communicators, but they are just talking about all of the things they don’t like about their partner. This will actually hurt the relationship over time. Instead of telling your partner that you don’t like when they bite your neck, tell them you want them to kiss your ears.
With all that’s going on in our country, our economy, the world, and on social media, it feels like so many of us are under a great deal of stress. Relationships, in particular, can be stress-inducing. We know chronic stress can be as unhealthy as smoking a quarter of a pack a day. What are stress management strategies that people use to become “Stress-Proof? What are some great tweaks, hacks, and tips that help reduce or even eliminate stress? In this interview series, we are talking to authors, and mental health experts, who can share their strategies for reducing or eliminating stress. As a part of this series, I had the distinct pleasure of interviewing Dr David Helfand.
Dr Helfand is the co-owner of LifeWise in Saint Johnsbury Vermont. He helps couples give their marriage a fair chance at peak fulfillment and success by teaching them skills to reconnect and repair their relationship during a private couples therapy retreat. He has a background in clinical psychology, couples and sex therapy, neuroscience, and mindfulness. If your marriage is in crisis, or you want to enhance your relationship, learn more at www.LifeWiseVT.com.
Thank you so much for joining us in this interview series! Before we dive in, our readers would love to know how you got from “there to here.” Inspire us with your backstory!
It’s of course a long story, but I’ll give you the highlights: When I was in high school, I started to develop this theory that if you could treat the brain in a highly targeted manner, you could relieve all human suffering. I started by learning about yoga and meditation, and then eventually I found neurofeedback which is basically a form of physical therapy for your brain. After finishing my graduate training, I remember working with this older woman who needed help with insomnia. Everything I tried didn’t work, and I was so flustered. I eventually readministered the evaluation and asked questions about her marriage, family background, and just day to day life. Finally I said, “What do you think about when you lay down at night?” She responded, “I hope my husband has a heart attack.” I remember thinking BINGO! So it’s not that your nervous system can’t relax. The issue is that you can’t relax next to your bed partner. That was the first time I had the chance to combine couples therapy with my background in neuroscience which is now the foundation of the work that I do.
What lessons would you share with yourself if you had the opportunity to meet your younger self?
I would say “don’t take life so seriously and just have fun in the moment.” I was always thinking of the future when I was younger and stressing out about what could happen. However, I also know my younger self would dismiss this advice because he had to go through it on his own.
None of us are able to experience success without support along the way. Is there a particular person for whom you are grateful because of the support they gave you to grow you from “there to here?” Can you share that story and why you are grateful for them?
I have had so many mentors in my life and wonderful teachers or professors. In fact, I grew up in a home where both parents were marriage therapists, and to this day have a very successful couples therapy retreat practice. I have also had very difficult people come into my life, and the interesting part is that they taught me some very profound lessons as well.
I think the person who comes to my mind as a consistent and substantial support is my wife and business partner. Anna softened me and allowed me to reflect on my personality and trajectory in life in a way that no one else would have been able to do. That is partially because I was more vulnerable with her than anyone else, but it’s also her temperament and warmth. I remember when we started dating, I would occasionally come home from my graduate program and tell her I needed to rant. The rule was she didn’t have to respond because I just needed to get it out like a diary entry. She would listen to me complain, contradict myself, cry, laugh, and even go silent. After 10–15 minutes, she would give me a hug and a kiss, and that was all I needed. She was always and still is my homebase and sanctuary.
Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you think it might help people?
Did I mention that I tend to think of the future too much? So yes, I always have a few projects I’m working on. My main project is to perfect a model for a Couples Therapy Retreat so that I can not only help any couple that walks into my office, but that I can also train other therapists to do the same.
Along those lines, my father-in-law is an engineer, and he and I have been working on a prototype for a biofeedback device that couples can use to feel a deeper connection. There are so many techniques in the world for couples to feel closer to each other, so we wanted to quantify some of that and provide a device that would help self-guide people into that place.
Ok, thank you for sharing your inspired life. Let’s now talk about stress. How would you define stress?
Because of my background in neuroscience, I tend to think of it as any experience where your sympathetic nervous system (AKA fight or flight) has been activated to the point where it notably shifts your internal biology.
In the Western world, humans typically have their shelter, food, and survival needs met. So what has led to this chronic stress? Why are so many of us always stressed out?
Our nervous systems are designed for a single purpose: to keep us alive. They generally do a great job at this, but unfortunately they have not adapted to the complexity of our modern lives. Thousands of years ago, stress was an isolated event that we could eventually escape. For example, a predator chased us, we ran away, and then the threat was gone.
In modern times, we can’t escape the experiences that cause us stress. Equally important, our brain is now able to think abstractly about an event which creates the same stress response. Our fight or flight will kick in whether it is a real or perceived threat. And furthermore, the primary tool we have to combat our stress response has been diminished over the last century. The parasympathetic nervous system is supposed to help us relax and process stress hormones. We live in a way overstimulated world now where our relaxation response never has the full opportunity to mature and do its job.
What are some of the physical manifestations of being under a lot of stress? How does the human body react to stress?
If you want a deep dive into the human stress response, I highly recommend reading Sapolsky’s book “Why zebras don’t get ulcers.” He talks about the biological changes of the fight or flight response in great detail. For example, when your system is stressed, the body will cut circulation to the extremities and focus it in the torso. This is to protect you from bleeding out in case you were injured. This means that stress often causes cold hands and feet since the blood flow has decreased. Obviously, your heart rate also increases and your muscles stiffen to prepare you to react. Interestingly, many of us start to hunch forward slightly which is a learned response to protect our vital organs. Our shoulders lean inward and sometimes raise up slightly around our neck, and our torso leans forward to protect us as well. Unfortunately, that same posture makes it difficult to breathe deeply because it restricts movement around our lungs and diaphragm. This is another great example of how we haven’t evolved to handle modern stress. If a lion were attacking us, protecting our vital organs is very important. However, not so much in the case of being late for a work meeting.
There is one other very important point about our stress response: the stressor does not dictate our response, but rather it is our mindset. This is known as eustress versus distress. Take the example of an interview with a prestigious company. The event itself is benign as far as stress, but our minds can shape it in either direction which then dictates how our nervous system responds. If you think of the interview as an opportunity and a challenge, then it becomes eustress which motivates you to prepare and do well. If however you see it as a burden or something to fear, then it will become distress and cause you to feel overwhelmed and highly anxious or even depressed. The fascinating part of this research is that your body will actually react differently depending on the perception of the stress. Distress will lead to higher secretion of stress hormones, while eustress will create just enough adrenaline to activate you but not enough to paralyze or overwhelm you. This also explains why the same event can have drastically different consequences for different people.
Is stress necessarily a bad thing? Can stress ever be good for us?
There is a bell curve when it comes to stress and human behavior. Too little stress, and we tend to be unmotivated and apathetic. Too much stress, and we become overwhelmed or paralyzed. The ideal level of stress is somewhere in the middle where we are activated to respond but able to modulate any hormones that come flooding in. You can help yourself achieve this state through various self-regulation skills.
If you tend to become overactivated, then learn relaxation techniques to calm yourself down. The half-life of adrenaline is five minutes, which means that if you practice relaxation when you are immensely stressed, then it will only take a few minutes for your body to process those hormones and let you move on. Similarly, if you tend to feel under-activated, then consider your diet and exercise patterns. Behavioral activation is one of the best interventions for depression or low affect. Basically, get outside, move around, hang out with friends, or engage in some other activity that wakes up your nervous system. In extreme cases, I have pointed clients towards Wim Hof’s practice of breathwork and cold exposure. If taking 60 deep breaths and then jumping into a cold lake doesn’t wake you up, then there might be something more serious going on. As a cautionary note, please check with your primary care doctor before starting any practice like that.
Is there a difference between being in a short-term stressful situation versus an ongoing stress? Are there long-term ramifications to living in a constant state of stress?
Absolutely. Our nervous systems are designed to deal with short term, or otherwise known as acute, stress. Like the example I mentioned before, a lion is about to attack you, you escape, and then your nervous system helps you return to baseline. However, if your sympathetic nervous system is continuously activated, then there are several issues that can arise. This is part of what leads to heart attacks and strokes. Every time your heart rate increases, the blood hits the wall of your heart and plaque can start to build. If that plaque falls off and travels through your blood stream, it can create a clot somewhere in your body. Your diet also plays a significant role in this kind of event of course. Your heart is meant to be flexible in the sense that it needs downtime. Think of it like any electronic device in your home. If you are pushing the limits of those devices, they will overheat. Over time, they will deteriorate. Your heart cannot function well if it is stressed to its limit every day. It will weaken over time if not given the opportunity to rest.
Another issue is the balance and regular exercise of your parasympathetic nervous system. This system is designed to help you relax and return to an allostatic state. Allostasis is like homeostasis, except it is a healthy baseline instead of just your “normal” one. The stress response also stops digestion and decreases hunger. The relaxation response is designed to help those processes and many others return to a healthy baseline. However, if your nervous system isn’t allowed to get to that point, the hormones start to build up and will require an even greater counterbalance later. This is partly why people overeat when they are stressed. Their body is trying to regain some sense of balance but has been hindered in its ability to do so because it was constantly under threat. Binging on food feels like the only way to make up for that deficit in some cases.
Let’s now focus more on the stress of relationships. This feels intuitive, but it is helpful to spell it out in order to address it. Can you help articulate why relationships can be so stressful?
As I mentioned, our nervous systems are designed to keep us alive and that is really it. We like to think that humans in our modern form have been around for a long time, but it is just a speck in the great cosmic timeline. Our mind and bodies have only been exposed to the idea of romantic love or marriage for an even shorter period of time. We have not fully adapted to this relatively novel circumstance. Our stress response reacts to any threat as if it could be life or death. That is partly why people feel like they want to die when there is an intense heartbreak. Furthermore, we have a system of mirror neurons in our brains that allows us to attempt to predict what other people are thinking and feeling. It is supposed to help with empathy and herd or group behaviors. We have after all evolved to live in social herds. However, due to human insecurity and anxiety, we often project our own issues onto other people and then act accordingly. There is an old theory from the field of psychology that we tend to dislike other people that think or behave in ways that resemble our personal insecurities. For example, someone is very social, and you envy them, so you distrust them. This makes it especially difficult to become romantically close, vulnerable, and trusting of other people when we constantly have red flags popping up inside ourselves.
Can you help spell out some of the problems that come with the stress caused by relationships?
There are so many issues that the old wiring of our nervous system causes in relationships. They all relate back to experiences of high emotion. The issue with any strong emotion is that it hijacks our nervous system. The outer layer of your brain, known as the cortex, is where rational thinking, impulse control, and executive functioning take place. The emotional centers of your brain, also known as the limbic system, take over when you experience a strong emotion. Once again, this is designed to keep us alive. If your life is threatened by a wild animal or a bus about to hit you, you must react without thinking. Therefore, the reflexive areas of your brain take over when time is precious. Unfortunately, our brain cannot easily discern the difference between an oncoming train and your partner getting angry with you.
One of the best examples of this struggle is the feeling of jealousy. Jealousy is usually considered a very negative emotion, and most people find it very painful. However, jealousy is an experience of protection and love at its core. You have to care about someone to be jealous. Please note that we aren’t talking about envy here. Envy is when you covet something another person has such as they have the new iPhone, and you want one. Instead, I’m referring to your partner has a close friend, and you feel jealous because you want them to be able to share that level of intimacy with you. This is actually healthy because your system is trying to send a message that you need to increase your emotional intimacy with your partner. We tend to squash those feelings because they are unpleasant. If you can start listening to the deeper message underneath the feeling, then you are going to take your relationship to an entirely new level of fulfillment and connection.
Here is the main question of our interview: Can you share with our readers your “5 stress management strategies that you can use to eliminate stress from your relationships?” Please share a story or example for each.
It would be easy to come up with a list of 105 strategies. Many couples find that some strategies work better than others, or in certain cases some are just easier to implement sooner while others take more practice. However, I do think the following five tips will help almost every couple, and they could also be applied to some non-romantic relationships.
My first tip is to learn how to identify and express your feelings in a useful way. Many people struggle to actually identify and share how they feel. This is known as alexithymia. Feelings are the currency of a romantic relationship, so you must invest as a couple by sharing and discussing those feelings with each other. Specifically, make sure you are talking about what you want more than what you don’t want. I have seen many couples that claim to be great communicators, but they are just talking about all of the things they don’t like about their partner. This will actually hurt the relationship over time. Instead of telling your partner that you don’t like when they bite your neck, tell them you want them to kiss your ears.
My second tip is to listen and validate your partner’s feelings. Helping them to feel heard is a better way to relieve tension and avoid defensiveness than jumping into problem solving. This is another great example of how we tend to project onto others using those mirror neurons I mentioned earlier. It feels uncomfortable for us to see a loved one in pain. Therefore, we tend to want to make them feel better and trying to fix the problem is actually an example of us wanting to avoid our own discomfort. The best method to helping someone soothe is to make them feel seen, valued, and loved. When you join with them in their emotional experience, and they feel like you are on their team, the emotion often starts to decrease. What you’re really doing is letting their fight or flight response shut off because they feel supported and cared for. I also like to let my clients know that “silent” is an anagram of “listen.” So be still, receptive, and ready to really hear your partner. Don’t just jump in with advice.
The third tip is to understand and manage your own triggers. The reason most humans have a strong reaction to any situation has very little to do with the current circumstances. It is usually because the recent event triggered old emotions, memories, or reactions from your past. This past can be based on childhood experiences, past traumas, old relationships, religious or cultural backgrounds, or historical insecurities. When you are able to dissect those triggers and openly discuss them with your partner, it is a powerful method to transform a hurtful emotion in an opportunity for connection. This takes a lot of practice and an openness to be vulnerable, so it’s okay to move slowly. You can say “I’m feeling very triggered right now, and I wish I could pinpoint the reason, but I know I just need some space to process.” Or perhaps you need a hug or some other comfort. It’s okay to not know the origin right away. However if you do, share the story with your partner. Let yourself detox from that old emotion that is holding you back. Just make sure to give them a heads-up about how you want them to help you through it. When you have the chance to open up in this way, you can get to heal your childhood wounds and past traumas through your intimate relationship or marriage.
My fourth tip is to have fun together. Life is inherently stressful. Everyone has multiple demands of their time and energy, and most of us have built this network in our lives that leave very little time for pleasure and fun. Remember how you first created a spark with each other. Did you used to travel, try new restaurants, eye gaze, or philosophize about life? Figure out that recipe from back in the day and get cooking! In order for a relationship to grow and thrive, both of you have to invest time into it so it can be nurtured. This is usually easy in the beginning, but then couples forget as they grow older and life seems more complicated.
And finally, accept that you can’t eliminate all stress. I had a client one time who was clearly struggling at work, in her personal life, and with her family. I asked her what she would like to accomplish in therapy, and she said “Can you just make me not feel anything?” I feel for her. Her only emotional experience the last few years had been stress and being overwhelmed. Everyone is going to be stressed at some point, but remember your mindset is what dictates the impact to your nervous system. If you perceive it as eustress, then it can help you grow and thrive. This also means that if you are fortunate enough to have a partner, each of you can help support the other. Marriage is 100–100, not 50–50. If you each strive to always put in your full effort, you will lift each other up when the other is struggling. You will also create more resiliency. Think of a sports team. Sometimes the star player is injured. If the other players rely on that person to carry the team, they will surely lose. However, if each person contributes and does their job, then the team can be successful. Relationships are a team sport.
Do you have any favorite books, podcasts, or resources that have inspired you to live with more joy in life?
I have found that a balance of external and internal guidance is the best path towards success. In other words, it’s important to read, listen, and absorb information from reputable sources. However, it is also important to meditate and ponder your own experience and gained wisdom. One of the best Buddhist teachings is the three levels of knowledge: Blind faith is when you just trust an outside source. Intellectual knowledge is when you have mentally considered the merit of the information and concluded it is sound. Experience is the highest level of knowledge though, and it is when you feel the truth inside you and have experienced it first-hand to be of value. All levels are important at different times, but many people miss that final one.
If you are looking for outside resources, any book by Rick Hanson is just wonderful. He is an excellent writer on every topic he tackles including meditation and stress management. He has a new book on relationships that was just released.
If you are seeking internal sources of knowledge, then you must find an activity that slows your body down and allows you to become deeply aware. Tai chi, yoga, meditation, or walks in nature are all examples of this practice. Through the work of many researchers, including notably Bessel Van Der Kolk, we now understand that our bodies have a cellular memory for stress and trauma. It can in fact change our DNA and be passed between generations. The same is true for a healthy resiliency. The more each of us learn to listen to and respect our internal wisdom, the better equipped each future generation will become to handle the next wave of stress.
You are a person of great influence. If you could start a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. 🙂
I wish students of every age were given a curriculum to increase emotional intelligence. This is starting to happen at a trickle of a pace, but unfortunately it seems to have been adopted by a minority of educators and parents. There is a wealth of research that emotional intelligence is much more highly predictive of life satisfaction, career success, and relationship fulfillment that traditional intelligence or IQ. In other words, we should be training students and young adults to be prepared for relationships and not as if they were going to be a contestant on jeopardy.
To put it more simply, we should be teaching kids in elementary schools to identify and express their emotional states in useful ways. It is then the job of the adults to help them regulate until they can become self-sufficient. In older grades, this curriculum should include romantic relationships and appropriate and practical sex education. I’m sure most of those reading or listening to this interview can remember their sex ed classes being either useless or non-existent. Imagine if we taught young men that pleasing their partner would lead to their own heightened sexual experience. Or imagine we taught young women that exploring their body and arousal would lead to immense pleasure later when they have a partner. Imagine we told young adults that orgasms were a great way to release stress or even combat common mental and physical health issues. I think our world would be a better place if we invested like this in our youngest members of society.
By the way, I want to give a quick acknowledgement to Dr Marc Brackett at Yale University who has done a great at starting this movement. I hope other’s join the cause.
What is the best way for our readers to continue to follow your work online?
First of all, thank you so much for inviting me to share this information with your audience. It has been a pleasure. In the spirit of decreasing my own stress, I do not have social media accounts. If anyone wants to stay in contact, please use my website to reach out. I email a monthly newsletter and keep an updated blog series on stress management tips mostly related to using science to improve your relationships. Anyone can go to www.LifeWiseVT.com to learn more tips or how to work with me directly.
This was very inspiring. Thank you so much for the time you spent on this. We wish you only continued success.