Often when Angus and I speak together people comment on Angus’s genuineness and vulnerability. I realize that he shows up unfiltered and it is so attractive. It is one of my many favorite things about him and an area of my life where I see opportunities for improvement. As much as my intention is to show up authentically and open-heartedly my filter of looking good is difficult to shift.
When I was in college I went on a skiing trip with friends and when we were looking at the photos from the trip there was a picture of me on skis on the side of the mountain with the group in an awkward position looking very ungainly. One of my friends pointed out that it was unusual for me to look like that in a photo. I had never thought of that before. I wasn’t aware of the effort I was putting into looking good.
I do feel that I have come a long way since my twenties, but the unconscious conditioning is still there – a blind spot. A habitual behavior that I am not even aware of doing.
What can I do about a blind spot?
What can I do about invisible thinking?
How do I change? How do I get out of our neural grooves and mix things up?
This is the mystery.
What I can do is embrace myself exactly where I am and be grateful for what is visible to me and recognize that the invisible will be made visible in its own timing.
I can also look in the direction of what I want to create. I want to be more vulnerable in life. I want to show up more freely. I can have an intention for this. I can pray for this.
And I want to hold my prayer and intentions lightly so I don’t start to strive and seek instead of trusting the divine unfolding.
I am in the exploration of holding things lightly and not resorting to old patterns of pushing. I am experimenting with being open and receiving. Some would refer to this as embodying the divine feminine.
I know that greater vulnerability requires a shift in consciousness. It will be the result of me seeing the world as a safer place where I can show up more fully as myself. I am absolutely doing the best I can with this now. I have come a long way and I know there is more to be revealed. Whether I will see it or not in this lifetime I don’t know.
In sharing my reflections I am acting on my desire. It feels vulnerable.
I am able to do it on the written page. I don’t guarantee I will do it live, but I am hopeful.
I can’t force myself to have an insight, but I can reflect on where safety resides so that my nervous system has the possibility of experiencing something new.
Safety resides within me. It is not outside of me in the unpredictable and ever-changing flow of life and death.
Safety is found in the experience of my formless nature and the experiential knowing of truth.
Does it matter how we get there?
Part of my exploration has found its way into the realm of plant medicine with deep dives and microdosing. I am scared to share that. What will you think of me? It isn’t legal where I live. Will I be arrested? Will I be punished? Am I bad?
My fear is that my badness will be seen and I will be rejected because of it.
I am sharing this part of my badness with you. There is much more, but this is the part for me to share today.
In embracing my badness and reclaiming it from the shadow I am feeling more vital and alive. I am following my inner knowing and listening to my wisdom. This is rewilding me and connecting me more deeply with myself and nature. I am feeling the freedom of exploration.
I am also practicing a form of holotropic breathwork as a way to integrate my experiences.
These are both ways that I am creating new neural pathways that allow me to live life with more peace, freedom, and openheartedness.
But the techniques are not important, it is what is experienced that matters.
I am open to truth and to what lets me see and experience more of it.
I am a healer and I want to share my healing with the world.
I can do this by sharing myself. That is all I have to give, and I want to get better at giving it all. Giving you my all!
Rather than protecting myself, I want to throw myself at life and say, “Take me! Take all of me! I am not here to be safe. I am here to be wild. I am here to use my wildness in service to helping others remember theirs.”
This may be as wild as I get today. But I know more wildness is coming! Stay tuned!
And in the meantime, how do you connect with your freedom and wild nature? How do you honor yourself and invite all of yourself in from the shadows? How do you make room in your heart for all of you and see the gold in what you judge as bad? How do you be so bad you get to feel the good in it?
Embracing My Badness was published previously on www.therewilders.org. Go to the free resources to see more of Rohini’s articles.
Rohini Ross is co-founder of “The Rewilders.” Listen to her podcast, with her partner Angus Ross, Rewilding Love. They believe too many good relationships fall apart because couples give up thinking their relationship problems can’t be solved. In the first season of the Rewilding Love Podcast, Rohini and Angus help a couple on the brink of divorce due to conflict. Angus and Rohini also co-facilitate private couple’s intensive retreat programs that rewild relationships back to their natural state of love. Rohini is also the author of the ebook Marriage, and she and Angus are co-founders of The 29-Day Rewilding Experience and The Rewilders Community. You can follow Rohini on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. To learn more about her work and subscribe to her blog visit: TheRewilders.org.