As a woman, we chat with our friends when we face a problem. These chats are to analyze what has happened and logical solutions are discussed. Very recently I was facing an obstacle that I needed some clarity.
My Italian hasn’t replied to my texts and we’re not in a ‘labeled’ relationship given he’s still stuck in Italy (pandemic). He has been on and off with texts and I’ve been feeling restless and agitated. The consensus was, “he’s not your boyfriend so you are free to do as you please.” And so with that, I thought, “right, I am not his girlfriend, I don’t know who I am to him.” (in this 3D world we live in where labels mean EVERYTHING!) so I took that on board and said, “of course I should keep my options open.” Given my recent separation from my ex husband and the need for some attention, dating would be the best bet. It was a logical point and to add to that, I didn’t want to get my heart broken when I don’t know where I stand with the Italian. I mean, he could break my heart so I should be ‘wise’. So I took all this advice on without processing and hence signed up to a couple of dating apps. In between my day, I was getting texts from men and it is supposed to be flattering because ‘hey, they are giving me the attention I craved.’ But for some odd reason, I felt empty and disconnected with myself.
It took a couple of weeks for this to hit home but when it did, I sobbed like someone had died. To me what I did felt like a crime because I wasn’t being authentic to myself. Not that I was faking what I had said to any of the guys (two guys to be specific) I chatted with (texts and a few phone calls all of which were ‘clean’). And yet I felt I wasn’t living my standard and nor was I being true to my integrity. I’ll explain what I mean by that.
I’ve always felt that the Italian is my Twin Flame, my other half, my Krishna so how then could I, with this awareness, treat my Twin Flame this way? To engage in chats with some other guy and feel the need for their validation or needing some form of attention. To be connected in an energetic level to him (the Italian) should tell me that he can sense when I’m conflicted because I can when he is. Which also answers the question why he’s been avoiding my texts the last few days.
But the very idea that I needed attention was wrong. Not wrong per se but it only means I didn’t feel fulfilled within myself that I needed someone else to make me feel good about me. These were people who did not know me! That’s when I had my biggest realization. How can I feel good about me by an external source, a source that knows barely anything about me? It told me how warped this was. Needing attention like that from just about anyone was a clear sign that I needed to remove myself from all of it because this isn’t who I am. If this someone else was my Italian, there could be a point to this but worse it wasn’t. But even then, there is something wrong with having expectations even if the person is the one you love.
So I didn’t get the attention I wanted from my Twin, like a kid not getting the toy she wants, should she go and take someone else’s? It almost feels that way. If I wanted attention, I can ask for it but bearing in mind that he can choose to give it or not. To expect something in return is where the problem lies. Because I didn’t get it, the domino effect was I ended up feeling worse from getting it from someone I didn’t even care about! The reason this is wrong is because when a relationship whether it is labeled or not, is based on expectations then the very foundation is rocky.
I used to send him love and blessings and then slowly especially this month as things have become calmer in Italy, I felt I had the right to want more from him. I thought to myself, “I’ve been so giving, so now I can ask for some TLC.” Now, there is nothing wrong in asking but he too has every right to decline. If a relationship is based on feeling the need to get something from someone else because I feel unfulfilled then it comes across as I’m not satisfied with my life and it takes you, the giver to make me feel better. Now how does that sound? To me it sounds like I’m begging for love. Not very attractive, isn’t it? Even if we don’t verbalize it, the energy itself is enough. It can be sensed.
So this what I’m working on now: I need to be fulfilled on my own, to be full of love and have no expectations on whether he gives or not. I give because that is how I feel and the same goes to him. Let love flow organically. I want to share my love and it is that, it is sharing and not because I want to be given in return. That’s a business transaction then, an exchange and not unconditional love.
This has been a HUGE wake up call. I love him irrespective of if he is with me or not. He has given me the chance to experience love and that in itself is beautiful. I give because I feel like giving and the giving happens when I feel like it. The intention has to be in alignment to these values. When I’m unsure, I’m now learning to not give unless I am sure. Because then, I’d wait expecting something in return and the whole cycle starts again!
If you’re in a situationship or relationship, check in and see if you’re doing what I did. This has been huge for me and I hope you’ll find it useful.
To loving him with all my heart.