As a former sufferer of the “disease to please,” I understand that people-pleasing isn’t just a harmful habit you can easily overcome. Indeed, it’s a coping mechanism often accompanied by guilt, fear, and a false sense of responsibility for others’ emotions. Now, this becomes an even more compelling subject, and in her forthcoming book, Fawning: Why the Need to Please Makes Us Lose Ourselves—and How to Find Our Way Back, Dr. Ingrid Clayton introduces a fourth trauma response, alongside fight, flight, and freeze —fawning.
According to Dr. Ingrid, unlike general people-pleasing, it is a survival strategy that once protected you but now keeps you stuck. The hidden cost? Weak boundaries and a persistent disconnection from your own needs and feelings to appear agreeable, de-escalate conflict, or stay safe. So fawning is an unconscious survival mechanism. Where we learn to suppress our own needs to maintain connection and avoid harm. Over time, this protective strategy becomes ingrained, showing up in adulthood as chronic people-pleasing. These patterns are subconscious attempts to secure safety in unsafe environments — often at the expense of your authentic self.
You might be a fawner if you…
Apologised to someone who has hurt you (trying to defuse a tense situation).
Befriended your bullies (making them laugh to bring them onto your side).
Ignored a partner’s bad behaviour (knowing it would be worse if you spoke up).
Worried about saying the right thing (even if there’s no right thing to say).
Made yourself into someone you’re not (hoping for approval that may never come).
How to Break Free from Fawning
Escaping the fawn response is less about flipping a switch and more about retraining your nervous system and your habits. Here are a few practical steps to start “unfawning” from Ingrid’s fabulous book.
Recognise the Signs: Notice when you’re taking blame, avoiding conflict, or putting others’ needs so far above your own that you disappear in the process.
Label the Feeling: When guilt creeps in, call it out. “Ah, that’s the old people-pleasing guilt. I see it, but it doesn’t get to decide for me.” Naming the emotion releases its hold.
Acknowledge the Roots: Remember that these patterns likely developed as survival mechanisms in response to trauma. They helped you once, but they no longer serve you.
Use Your Values as Your Compass: When you know why you’re saying no or setting a boundary, it’s easier to tolerate the guilt. You’re aligning with what matters most to you.
Reclaim Your Voice: Boundaries aren’t rejection — they’re self-respect. Reframe no as a yes to yourself: “I’m not letting them down. I’m protecting my time, energy, and priorities.”
Start Small: Practice saying no in low-stakes situations. For example, no to an extra chore at home or a non-urgent favour at work. This builds your “no muscle.”
Detach from Others’ Emotions: You’re responsible for your actions, not for other people’s reactions. Someone feeling disappointed doesn’t mean you’ve done something wrong — it means they’re human and so are you.
Cultivate Self-Compassion: Develop a kinder inner dialogue. Instead of beating yourself up, practice speaking to yourself as you would to a close friend.
“Fawning isn’t kindness. It’s self-abandonment. Real freedom comes when you stop apologising for existing and start trusting yourself again.”
Fawning masquerades as kindness, but it’s really self-abandonment. The cost is your sense of self. Breaking free isn’t selfish — it’s an act of self-respect. It’s about choosing to show up fully, with boundaries, honesty, and your own voice intact. It’s not about saying yes less. It’s about saying yes to yourself more.