Agatha had to face up to making some big changes in how she lived her life if she wasn’t going to run herself into the ground for good and that included figuring out how she could express her feelings without that making people run away from her.
Agatha had one good friend, Jill, who she decided to confide in about wanting to change and be more open about how she felt. Jill was delighted. Agatha shared with Jill how she felt about her work, what she really thought of her boyfriend and how sometimes her feelings seemed to contradict each other entirely. Agatha saw that instead of being cross or uninterested, that Jill was interested in what Agatha had to say. Agatha felt more authentic in herself and found that her friendship with Jill deepened as a result.
Agatha knew she had to be careful about what she said to her manager. After all, they were in a position to fire her. She chatted with other colleagues and learnt that everyone else found the manager to be difficult and unpredictable. Agatha decided that it wasn’t worth her energy and emotional wellbeing to stay working there and so she moved to a different company with a much calmer manager. Agatha continues to work on being more authentic in her interactions with others.
Sometimes we don’t want to lift the lid on what we are feeling. They won’t go away until we deal with them. That doesn’t necessarily mean just diving in without any preparation. You might feel able to look ’under the lid’ on your own. If not, know who it is in your life that you trust, who will listen to you and support you.
If you have emotional trauma to work through, find a professional who can help you safely navigate through. A support group is another way you can share powerful feelings with those you know will understand, not judge and help you, when it hasn’t been safe to do that elsewhere.
Then there is being more honest in our daily interactions with our feelings. Sometimes my partner still catches me sharing a feeling I have been dwelling on and keeping to myself for days and asks me “Why didn’t you tell me before?” My answer is “Well, I am getting better at it!”
Feelings will find a way out, one way or another. Keeping a lid on them makes them grow and get expressed indirectly, either as another emotion such as anxiety or anger, or physically, like Agatha’s backache. Learning to express them appropriately helps keep you healthy.
I work with people pleasers on developing their awareness of their feelings and their ability to communicate them effectively. Recovering people pleasers recognise that they no longer want to ‘fit in’ because they no longer prioritise others over themselves.
Instead they are working on owning how they feel and expressing that appropriately. Through this work they become more in tune with their own bodies and have greater energy and power in their lives.
They are becoming themselves more fully than ever before.