My husband and I are in our 29th year together. Soon after we met, when we were just becoming acquainted as friends, I felt nauseas one day. Ron’s a doctor, and he wanted to help. So he offered to stick his finger down my throat to make me throw up. “Wow!” I thought. “This guy’s one of a kind!”

Did I think he could be my “soulmate?” Sure, because anyone can be our soulmate. Not the pop culture version, where the other half of us is walking around out there searching for us. A soulmate relationship is any relationship that’s working effectively, because the individuals are sharing real love. And that means we can make a soulmate out of anyone, including our partners!

How? Here are some tips.

Take back responsibility for how you feel.

Let’s all go ahead and acknowledge that no one is making us feel the way we feel. So it’s not appropriate to hold other people responsible for how we feel or even for how our life is going. We don’t need people to behave a certain way to feel all right about ourselves or about life. We can decide to stop being affected by what other people do and instead choose our attitude on purpose.

No one else is responsible for the quality of our lives. So let’s all go out today and tell someone: “I’ve decided to create a wonderful life, so you’re off the hook!”

Deal with your love-needs.

Most of us began life feeling good about ourselves. But over time, some of our behavior became inconvenient to our adults, and their approval became conditional, depending on whether we did what they wanted. It’s as if we became the square pegs that they needed to pound into the round holes. And most of us adapted our behavior so they would tell us we were all right: “Good boy.” “Good girl.” The big issue in life became: Am I all right? And since we were little, we let others determine that for us. And some of us are still doing it today – letting others tell us whether we’re all right.

As adults, we’re driven to restore our original joyfulness, and we look for partners who will help us. But only we can do it, because it’s an inside job. When we stop letting other people decide whether we’re worthy and loveable, and when we take responsibility for loving ourselves, we’ll be amazed by how quickly all our relationships will become healthier!

Clean up your beliefs.

Every aspect of our lives is affected by our beliefs. If we believe that we deserve to be wealthy, or that we tend to be sick, or that we’re effective at our jobs, or that we’re always tired, we’re right. Whatever we’re experiencing is an indicator of what we believe and expect. So if life isn’t going well, it’s a red flag: “I need to examine my beliefs and expectations!” The good news is that beliefs are just thoughts we keep thinking over and over until they seem true. And if we’re clever, we’ll un-believe the ones that don’t actually make sense or work effectively for us.

Believing is receiving, especially in the area of relationships. We like to stick labels on people so we’ll know how to relate with them. And when we make statements such as, “he is…” or “she is…,” we can’t experience that person differently, because in our perspective people will be what we believe they are. So our relationships have more to do with us than with others.

How do we bring out the best in people? By keeping our perceptions of them positive, knowing that they’ll become whatever we decide to see.

Talk to yourself on purpose.

For most of us, there’s a self-talk debate going on inside our heads between the part of us that thinks, “I can single-handedly save the world!” and the other part that says, “Don’t be ridiculous!” The first statement sounds like a spontaneous, adventurous child who thinks only in possibilities, and is sometimes reckless. The second sounds like a concerned, protective parent who is trying to maintain control, and is sometimes censoring and punishing. Getting these two to play nice is the key to positive self-talk.

This non-stop conversation affects everything in our lives and constantly shows us what we believe about ourselves. If it’s positive, it can work well for us. But if it’s negative, it will beat us up. So the more we focus on our self-appreciating statements, the better. And identifying and rewording negative statements, which are born out of unsupportive beliefs, can also help.

Positive self-talk is not just motivational affirmations stuck on the bathroom mirror. It’s a healthy lifestyle that shows we care about ourselves, by deliberately choosing which aspect of our self-talk we’ll allow the most broadcasting time today.

Look for love effectively. 

We’re all looking for real love, all the time. Whether we’re creating a special dinner or starting an argument, it’s what we’re after. And whether we’re in a relationship, or whether we’re out there searching for our great love, most important is our attitude, because we can’t manifest anything that we believe we don’t deserve. There are two forces going on inside us, called desire and belief. And if they’re pulling in different directions, there can be no forward motion. So before we can receive what we want, our beliefs need to be in sync with our desire. And that’s exactly why finding great love is an inside job.

We draw people into our lives who match whatever we’re currently being. So we can deliberately attract what we want – not by looking for it – but by identifying with it and being it. We need to stay in the vibe of what we want, because what we focus on is what we’ll attract and experience. We need to identify with great love, and we need to be the partner that we want to be with. So the question to ask ourselves is: “Would I want me as a partner?” And if our answer is No, what would we want to be different about us? And what will we do about it?

Real love is not an emotion or a feeling. It’s something we do, an action we take on purpose. And the way we experience love is to express it. So it begins on the inside, which means we’re in charge! And yes, everyone in our lives can be our soulmate!

For more of Grace de Rond’s posts, check out her blog at Plus you can follow her on Facebook and Twitter


  • Grace de Rond

    Author, Blogger, Contributor

    Grace de Rond writes about effective living through focused thought, at and for sites including The Good Men Project and HuffPost. Her inspiration comes from a lifelong study of the mind-body-spirit connection and her coaching and teaching with professionals and families. Her latest book is called Thoughts Worth Thinking on Life, Career, Lovers and Children.