Along with the flowers and chocolates, the best gift you and your partner can share with each other on Valentine’s Day may be this simple: a good night’s sleep.
New research suggests that one often overlooked ingredient for love and happiness is consistent quality sleep. A study just published in the International Journal of Clinical and Health Psychology found that when we sleep well we tend to have greater empathy — which in turn improves our ability to be compassionate and understanding.
The title of the study says it all: “Restless nights, cold hearts: Poor sleep causally blunts empathy.” One of the study’s authors, Eti Ben Simon, a neuroscientist at the University of California, Berkeley, told Thrive: “Good quality sleep is an under-appreciated factor in healthy relationships. Good sleep helps us more easily understand each other, have more empathy, and react in a calmer and kinder way to others.”
In one study, 347 people were divided among two groups – one that was able to get a normal night’s sleep and one group that had to wake up five times throughout the night. The next morning, researchers tested for empathy and willingness to help others. The sleep-deprived participants showed less sensitivity to others’ feelings and were less likely to make kind decisions compared to those who got a full night’s rest.
In a related study of 155 people, the researchers assessed the participants’ sleep over the previous month. Those who reported poor sleep also were less likely to show empathy and had a harder time seeing things from someone else’s perspective.
The bottom line: When you sleep well, you’re likely to communicate well, be more understanding, and provide emotional support for each other. It’s easier to let the little things go.
Ben Simon’s advice: “Sometimes it’s okay to go to bed angry and let sleep calm us down. Don’t try to have a heated emotional discussion or argument at a time when you are both unable to regulate your emotions due to fatigue.” A good night’s sleep, she said, “will allow for empathetic conflict-free interactions.”
Earlier research conducted at University of California, Berkeley found that people who sleep well tend to be more generous, kind and willing to help others — also essential traits for couples to thrive. In short, the message is clear: Sleeping well helps relationships flourish.
Here are some Microsteps to help you and your partner get the quality sleep you need.
Dim lights in living areas in the evening.
Instead of bright overhead lights, use lamps, a dimmer switch, or candles to create a soothing environment that signals to your body it’s time to wind down. When you’re ready to sleep, turn off all lights completely.
Read in bed together at night rather than scrolling or watching television.
Screens before bedtime are bad for sleep. Reading together in bed can help you wind down and enjoy each other’s company at the end of the evening.
Before you go to sleep, share three things you are grateful for and appreciate about each other.
Having a regular gratitude practice has been found to support us in lowering stress and getting the quality sleep we need.
Skip the nightcap and instead sip herbal tea before bed.
Alcohol initially acts as a sedative, but later in the night it can be a sleep disrupter. Herbal teas like chamomile can help you calm down in the evening.
At night, make a decision to drop any arguments and be kind to your partner.
Research shows that after a good night’s sleep you’ll be more understanding and better able to listen, see your partner’s point of view, and resolve your conflict.
Take a hot bath or shower before you go to sleep.
Research shows that bathing or showering an hour or so before bed can lower your body temperature, making it easier to fall asleep.