It all came to a head for me when I went my anger management group therapy session. An older lady in her 60’s was still angry, bitter and resentful at her parents about her childhood. Her parents had been dead over 20 years. That’s the precise point when I decided to “drop the rock” as the famous 12 step book says. (It wasn’t completely dropped at that point, but I knew something had to change.) Anger, resentment and unforgiveness were holding me back. What you hold on to hinders you. It was God showing me this lady. He was using the Ghost of Christmas Future to show me how terrible my life could stay. It came at the perfect time because I was in the process of getting the PFA (protection from abuse) on my ex. I was so miserable, sick, tired, out of shape and lonely because of the anger and resentment I had towards a loved one. I won’t say who, because it’s done, and I want to preserve the relationship God has restored for us. I refuse to open old wounds and re-infect our friendship.

It boiled down to the fact that A) I wanted to be happy. B) I was tired of being sick broke, lonely, miserable and low energy. Finally, C) I was fed up with the fact that I was rendered ineffective to witness to the world with my walk. 

Forgiveness brought me back to life! Once I finally decided to forgive the person, I lost 200 pounds, quit drinking & drugs and decided “I’m worth it!” A few years later, I went to college and got 3 degrees. When I finally forgave myself, I gained even more strength. I decided my dreams of being an author and leaving a legacy of love on this world through all my arts–including music– were well worth the wait. No dream is too big. Nothing is too hard, unless you’d rather be doing something else. I think it was Mark Twain that said. I just thank God I remember it and I am passionate about this process. I keep in mind that you are worth it and you need me to show you this example so you can be free too! I’m here for you!

See, when you forgive someone, usually, the relationship can continue. But if they keep doing the same thing, you’ll have to give up. Example: I was cheated on by my ex. I forgave him, but he kept doing it, so now we’re done for all of eternity. One person you can’t give up on is yourself. It’s hard to have a relationship with yourself if you’re always breaking your promises to yourself of compromising on your standards. I seemed to always give up on myself, like I wasn’t worth the effort to eat healthy, or work out or work on my books, articles, speeches and music videos. But the more I told myself “I can’t” and compromised, either doing the things I knew were no good for me, like eating fried foods, or NOT doing the things I know are good for me, like meditating, the more I had to be angry and resentful at myself. So, now I just stop the behaviors that are no good for me, even if I start it or do something a little—like eat a bunch of salty, greasy food—and I immediately forgive myself. Part of that forgiveness means not beating myself up about it. It also means staying on a good path and then rewarding myself and telling people how proud I am of myself—even if it’s just texting a friend or telling a stranger in person. I don’t have to put everything out for the world to see. Some things are just for me. 

 It means doing something special for myself, like buying myself a new piece of equipment for my YouTube channel. 

The more I do the good things, the more I want to do them and the more productive I am. Then, there’s less to forgive myself for. I don’t have to question or doubt myself anymore. No need to second guess every tiny little move I make.

The very things I took on were the very things God allowed me to go through to help the world. It’s because I’ve gone through them that I am on this other side and fully equipped to be your Harriet Tubman and help y’all through to the other side, which is abundant life. Everything starts on the inside. As long as you have infinite love for yourself you’ll have it for everyone else and you’ll never go without. You’ll always be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. So just believe. You are worth it!