You learn pretty quickly after the arrival of your first child that most parenting advice is well-meaning but functionally useless.
Those dispensing it want you to succeed as a parent, just as many of them have. They really do. They just don’t want to overstep by giving specific parenting tips that might offend your values or sensibilities.
Or they don’t actually remember what being a new parent was like.
Or they don’t know you well enough to say anything other than, “Hope you sleep some!”
They certainly don’t tell you what the arrival of your first child means when your self-identity revolves around your personal and professional productivity. When you take pride in your ability to get stuff done, the sudden obligation to care for someone who can’t do anything for themselves is a seismic change.
Me, Me, Me Becomes Us, Us, Us
Our first arrived during a particularly productive time in our lives. I was comfortably self-employed and fortunate enough to have more work than I could handle after years on the grind. My partner was fully eased into a demanding job to which she was happy to give her all. We didn’t live to work, exactly, but our careers and domestic duties left time for little else.
And then, all at once, we had to make time for someone else. Someone whose needs took priority over our own. Whose every squeak and cry compelled our undivided attention. Who took so much more than they gave.
Like all new parents, we had to adjust. Fast.
For my part, I had to learn to pump the brakes in my work life and uncouple my self-worth from my output. Without formal parental leave forcing me to dial it back, this wasn’t easy. But even apart from the presence of our new child, who gave me the strength to see things through, it wound up being the most rewarding personal journey of my adult life.
Pruning the Vine, Reluctantly
The first adjustment I made was to right-size my professional life. This may not have been advisable on a few hours’ sleep (at best) each night but it was long overdue.
In my case, “right-size” meant (politely) letting go of clients that weren’t serving me well. And not just those who didn’t pay on time or didn’t pay well. I worked up the courage to sever work relationships that no longer brought me joy, or maybe never had.
I called this process “pruning the vine.” The end result was a smaller but stronger client list that filled me with inspiration, not dread.
Appreciating Quality Over Quantity
I learned to appreciate quality over quantity in a more direct way too. With a newborn attached to me (often literally) for long stretches of time, I learned to savor the little things.
The involuntary smiles. The silly head bobs. The coos, eventually. Even the piercing cries.
For the first time in a long time, the most satisfying moment of my day was not the moment I crossed a long-delayed task off my to-do list. It might be an otherwise unremarkable moment changed suddenly by the baby’s eyes locking onto mine.
Embracing a New Sort of Routine
Before baby, we’d both been creatures of routine. For weeks after, we were anything but. Creatures of chaos, more like it — the baby made sure of that.
In time, we settled into a new routine defined by feeds, walks, naps, bedtime, play. It was nothing like the productive, self-centered routine of our past lives, and we thought we’d tire of it quickly.
We didn’t. We came to love it as we learned to fit the essential elements of our old routine into the new one. For me, that meant finding new times (and new ways) to get work done when other, more pressing needs weren’t demanding my attention. I called it a “when I can” approach to work, and I’ve followed it ever since.
A Healthier Us
A few years have passed since our lives changed forever. Our family has grown larger still.
Our next babies weren’t any “easier” than the first. We still endured sleepless nights, angry cries, endless volumes of spit-up.
But they certainly didn’t spur an existential adjustment like our first. There was no need; we’ve already done that work. We simply allowed ourselves to ease back into a now-familiar newborn routine. To appreciate the little things. To right-size our commitments.
This is a shift most parents make, one way or another. To us, it felt monumental. And we know for sure that we’re healthier for it.