How to stop self-sabotaging moods and behaviours

There’s a great quote from the Dalai Lama which says we can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace with ourselves. But some of us regularly sabotage what we want because we allow ourselves to doubt, be cynical and play the victim role in life.

We all have these mini-aspects of our personality and some of them can display moods, characteristics and behaviours that disempower us and are often in constant conflict with other parts within us that want us to be aligned, balanced and happy.

At times we can all feel a bit overwhelmed or that our internal conflicts are driving us crazy. These conflicts in our heads are generated by these different aspects of us.

Many clients come to me because they think they are going mad.

Part of them wants to be or do one thing, and another part of them wants to be or do the complete opposite. For example, a part of the person wants to be healthy, fit, eat well and exercise regularly and another part of the person just wants to sit on the couch and eat a bar of chocolate. Two mini parts of the personality are in conflict here, the Motivator and the Rebel.

These aspects of you that I keep referring to are like mini-personalities. I will give you some examples below and I would highly recommend that you start creating your own list of all your mini personalities. Becoming familiar with them can be a real eye-opener in your pursuit of long-term, positive change. Remember, they are just aspects of you and not separate from you.

As children, we seamlessly dipped in and out of all of our mini personalities.

If you watch a small child playing you will see how they can jump so quickly from one mood to another, one behaviour to another and one mini-personality to another. They enjoy the full range of these aspects and at a young age it is natural and normal to play the full range without inhibitions. As we get older, there are many parts of our personality that we think we should no longer play out like our Fairy, Rock Star or Super Hero as we can become conditioned to believe these are silly or inappropriate behaviours for an adult.

However, if you think about it, being willing to embrace those “silly” parts of our personality when we need to problem-solve or access courage or confidence could be very beneficial. The Super Hero and Rock Star often have great ideas and can be very brave. Instead, we are conditioned to believe we should remain serious and strong in our more straight-laced aspects like Captain Sensible.

As we progress through the years we can get very stuck in just one, two, or three of these mini personalities because they are familiar and safe. If we allow ourselves to get stuck in a limited number of personality traits and accept these as our identity, it can stunt our growth and development on so many levels. When we are asleep to this we’re not aware of how we can change.

These are some examples of Mini personalities or Miens we all can identify with.

Motivator: The aspect of you that is capable of being motivated, driven and focused and can move mountains

Super Hero: The aspect of you that can be in control, help others, set good example and be a hero

Entertainer: The aspect of you that is capable of entertaining others. (Although you may not have exercised this aspect in a while the capability is in you, which means you have that aspect)

Carer: The aspect of you that is capable of caring and looking after yourself and others

Victim: The aspect of you that allows you to feel sorry for yourself.

Cynic: The aspect of you that believes people are motivated by self-interest rather than unselfish or honourable reasons

Doubter: The aspect of you that doubts and questions

Warrior: The aspect of you that is capable of showing courage and bravery

The mini personalities you spend most time embodying are the ones that have dictated your results to date. If you are not happy with your results you can choose new more positive mini personalities or miens to step into after you have done some alignment work on the negative ones.

Once you have created a list of the mini personalities you embody regularly and those you have embodied in the past you can choose new miens to create your future.

It’s important to recognise that these miens are not you.

They are just aspects of you that you subconsciously embody to get results. It really saddens me when I meet people who live in two or three low-key or fearful miens because it is all they know when they could be living the aspects of themselves that are full of joy, bliss, happiness, laughter, love and growth.

Now that you are aware of these mini personalities or miens you have a responsibility to embrace and step into those that will help you enjoy your life.

You can do this by scanning your behaviour in all aspects of your life and asking yourself which miens you call on in a given situation. Scan both positive and negative behaviours to get a true picture. The evidence always lies in your behaviour and, whether positive or negative, your behaviour always creates your results.

This is an edited extract from my book, Wake Up and Change Your Life. If you want to find out more about how you can make changes in your life and remove limiting behaviour, visit the website

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