When Wharton superstar organisational psychologist Adam Grant studied the relationship between giving and taking, he found that the best and worst performers are givers, whilst takers and matches are mid-level performers. More importantly, the best performers are the givers who give in a way that suits their strengths, and still look out for their own interests.

What this translates to, is that having boundaries trumps being a martyr at work. And when you can honour your own needs and respect the fact that you have your personal agenda, everybody wins.

We all differ in how much we like to work with others; some genuinely enjoy the partnership, others are solely interested in the social aspect. Then there are those who regard working together as a waste of time. All three stances are valid, because we have different needs and organisational cultures.

Working together goes beyond playing nice and having efficiency dragged down; it’s also about leveraging different strengths and ideas, to create the best outcomes and strong healthy work cultures where everyone shines. And, people support each other emotionally and professionally.

Here, I invite you to consider how you can become a part of that culture where people go further, together.

Receiving support

When it comes to receiving support from others– whether asking or taking it when offered– what are you like? Support here means both tangible help (e.g. outsourcing, delegating, collaborating) or seeking feedback and advice.

  • I find it easy/ok/difficult to seek support from those at a similar level of work.
  • I find it easy/ok/difficult to seek support from those above me.
  • I find it easy/ok/difficult to seek support from those below me.

Considering the above, what do you notice about your relationship to receiving support?

  • These are my patterns to receiving support:
    • It is too much/too little/just alright.
    • Here’s what needs to change:
    • Here’s where I could do with extra support.
    • Here’s what’s stopped me.
    • Here’s how I’d benefit.

Providing support

Next up, reflect on your relationship to giving support.

  • I find it easy/ok/difficult to give support to those at a similar level of work.
  • I find it easy/ok/difficult to give support to those above me.
  • I find it easy/ok/difficult to give support to those below me.

Considering the above, what do you notice about your relationship to giving support?

  • These are my patterns to giving support:
  • It is too much/too little/just alright.
  • Here’s what needs to change:
  • Here’s where I could do with extra support.
  • Here’s what’s stopped me.
  • Here’s how I’d benefit.

Going forward

Actioning these:

  • Here’s who I can give support in meaningful ways that energise me. E.g. setting aside an hour fortnightly to mentor juniors; or something you’re already good at, that takes five minutes.
  • Here’s how I can identify areas I’d like to grow or habits to break, via coaching. Because the best in every field grow with someone else in a way that suits their personality, lifestyle and goals.

Finally, if it’s difficult or even impossible for you to access or give support, then perhaps it’s time to consider if where you’re at has an accountability culture. In such cultures, people are above the line, take responsibility, and look for solutions. Whereas those who are below the line push blame and stay mired in a victim mindset, looking for problems. Or you could be around people who hog credit and only take favours.

If you’re keen to build a sustainable high performance culture where people support each other, and mental health initiatives have clear directions and outcomes, contact Dr Perpetua Neo (DClinPsy, UCL; MPhil, Cambridge).

Author(s)

  • Dr Perpetua Neo (DClinPsy, UCL; MPhil, Cambridge)

    Executive Coach & Psychologist For Overachieving Leaders

    What do top organisations-- the Institute Of Directors (London), Mother digital agency and London Business School-- have in common? DrP. Dr Perpetua Neo (DClinPsy, UCL; MPhil, Cambridge) coaches Type A+++ overachievers with demanding lives to be in-control of their heads, time and relationships, so they perform and lead at their best always. And, they sleep like a cat. DrP tailors strategies to her clients’ personalities and lifestyles, building lasting systems and structures, so they achieve multiple personal and professional goals. She specialises in The Big 3 we mistakenly tolerate— high-functioning anxiety, toxic relationships and panic attacks— blending cutting-edge neuroscience, psychology and ancient wisdom. DrP is a Simon & Schuster author. She’s an insider expert on Forbes, Business Insider and Vogue; consults for media campaigns; and writes for The Huffington Post, MindBodyGreen and Thrive Global. Her work is in 41 languages. She advises on Stanford Business School’s Neurodiversity Project, and is the University of Cambridge’s 50 Women in 50 Years. She is also MindBodyGreen’s 20 cutting-edge mental health leaders alongside Drs Deepak Chopra and Daniel Amen. DrP works in English and Mandarin-Chinese across 6 continents. She flies globally or works via Facetime/Skype, for 1-1 work, workshops and speaking gigs.