Why do you want a partner in your life? Is the inevitable question…
The true purpose of a relationship is to help us grow as a person. When we look at a true purpose of life, we need to consider a couple of things that do help us grow.
Most of us do not see relationships in a constructive plus progressive way and that is why they can become so detrimental plus toxic towards to us. We also do tend to take more than we give in romantic relationships, and that is because we are not actually ready for it or are not going for it.
Being single is not easy, and it often leaves us alone with our insecurities. That is probably why many of us jump from one relationship to another: we find it too hard to be left alone facing our own inner demons. So, we look for someone to give us love, and comfort, and security but all of this is like a smoke screen. It is just a way to escape actually: it sedates us for a while, and we kind of bury our own insecurities for a moment.
The issue is that it does prevent us from doing the healing work that is needed on our part because we become completely blinded with attachment. We run away our own responsibilities to make ourselves happy because we do not know how, so we look for someone to do it for us instead. It ends in tears and shouts to us because we realize that the other one is actually unable to heal us or inevitably make our pain go away.
When we do not allow ourselves to do the work on those troubled parts, we go on to become needy, clingy, addicted: the other person becomes our ‘fix’, our ‘addiction satisfier’ and they relieve us temporarily from our own burden. We then become completely dependent.
Please understand this: Relationships are not meant to heal: healing implies there is a wound and I do not think that romantic love can heal any wound. I think it is supposed to make us grow into the best version of ourselves. That is why we often say “they make me feel like a better person.” Not in the sense that we are not good enough on our own, but that suddenly someone starts to tap into hidden strengths that we did not explore before. They do bring out the best in us. That is what growth is all about.
It is not an easy journey though. Growth means that we must be challenged on our beliefs and vision of the world so that we can transform. It is hard and we need to be ready for it, which means to be clear and comfortable with who we are now (with all our imperfections and pain that is where self-love and compassion comes totally into play) and one must be willing to give (love, time, energy). Though we cannot be lost or helpless in our pain, or we will not be able to see beyond it nor to tap into our hidden potential. We cannot give up on our capacity to heal ourselves as individuals. Please understand that a partner is not a therapist, nor a saviour: no relationship can give us that.
Now, it is definitely unrealistic and non-viable to expect anyone to have all their suffering sorted out before they can actually be in a relationship. But it is about raising the awareness of what the purpose of a relationship is, and what it is not so that we can help ourselves to experience romance in a healthier plus less dependent way.
To me, a lasting relationship comes from a willingness to learn from each other and grow together from one level of consciousness to another. The growth implies challenge which requires courage to support ourselves in the process so that we do not break along the way. It is also a willingness to see, to tolerate our fears and insecurities and not be overwhelmed by them. Finally, it is the ability to give. To love is to share energy, and this energy is found within: if our heart is depleted, there is no way we can give anything.
It’s not about fixing anyone: it is about being there for people whilst they are fixing themselves and loving them for it.
So why do you want a relationship? What is the true reason for you to want someone in your life? Is it more a question of receiving or do you feel ready to give? Is there anything that is lacking in your life that you are looking to make up for? Or is it because you want to feel supported? Successful relationships start with understanding our motives for wanting someone in our lives in the first place. Sometimes when things don’t seem to work, we believe that we are the problem when actually, it is just a matter of expectations.
And when we start to challenge our beliefs, our perspective begins to shift and that is when the magic really happens.