These days, our nation wrestles with the fear and emotional uncertainty resulting from violent situations that seemingly occur on a regular basis. As these shootings and attacks flash across our television screens and cell phones, we question how: how could this happen? Who would do such a thing?
For so many adults and children alike, we may feel a loss of stability and threatened security. A child’s understanding of such a frightening event is very personal. Since children operate from the realm of their own experience and egocentricity, they may feel particularly threatened now and believe that bombs could be dropped on them.

If our children don’t view coverage of tragic events on television, they may hear about them from classmates or teachers. How can you as a parent cope with your own anxieties, while reassuring your child that his is safe?

Communicating with children is the key to restoring their security and balance. Here are some ways you can help talk to your child about tragic events.

1. Ask your child questions, and gently encourage him with follow-up questions to help him verbalize his emotions. Let him know that there are no “wrong” feelings, and allow him to share without interruption.

2. Share your own feelings in an illustrative manner to show your child how to express his feelings. Sentences such as “I was so frightened that I felt the same way you feel when you get into an elevator sometimes and your stomach drops” helps describe feelings literally. This helps give your child concrete references for his emotions.

3. Try to maintain your family’s daily routine. The confusing emotions surrounding a tragedy can be destabilizing for children, so it is a good idea to restore a sense of normalcy as quickly as possible.

4. Partner with your child to create a family emergency plan. This can restore balance and control to a child’s psyche. If he can feel involved in creating his own security, he will feel empowered. After a plan is invoked, practice and rehearse it with your child through modeling and role-playing.

5. Take positive action. Remember Aristotle’s advice: that action makes one feel in control. Consider doing something positive with your child, such as giving blood, writing letters, or sending care packages to the relief agencies. This gives your child something constructive to do with his emotions, and that alone can lower anxiety.

6. Take cues from your child, and provide extra security to remind him that he is protected. Create child-centered activities such as reading and sharing time together. Even something as simple as putting a night light in your child’s room can provide much comfort.

Remember that just as you should communicate with your child in a way that is appropriate for his age and understanding, your child may react to the anxieties of a tragedy differently based on his own history (if he has been in a hospital before, or if he has recently experienced the loss of a loved one), as well as age.

Young children may express fears of separation and attachment as anxiety mounts, whereas older children may become more aggressive and express anger as a way to control their feelings of fear and helplessness. With the pressure we are all under, social distancing and watching our economy slow down, there is a resurge of PTSD in homes around the country. If necessary, you should reach out to a professional to help guide and support you and your child.

Finally, this is a time when you can and should be overgenerous with hugs and affection. Don’t worry about spoiling your child; you cannot spoil him with love. And love is what he needs to feel and witness during these times of tragedy.

Author(s)

  • Dr. Gail Gross

    Author and Parenting, Relationships, and Human Behavior Expert

    Dr. Gail Gross, Ph.D., Ed.D., M.Ed., a member of the American Psychological Association (APA) and member of APA Division 39, is a nationally recognized family, child development, and human behavior expert, author, and educator. Her positive and integrative approach to difficult issues helps families navigate today’s complex problems. Dr. Gross is frequently called upon by national and regional media to offer her insight on topics involving family relationships, education, behavior, and development issues. A dependable authority, Dr. Gross has contributed to broadcast, print and online media including CNN, the Today Show, CNBC's The Doctors, Hollywood Reporter, FOX radio, FOX’s The O’Reilly Factor, MSNBC, The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, The Washington Post, Times of India, People magazine, Parents magazine, Scholastic Parent and Child Magazine, USA Today, Univision, ABC, CBS, and KHOU's Great Day Houston Show. She is a veteran radio talk show host as well as the host of the nationally syndicated PBS program, “Let’s Talk.” Also, Dr. Gross has written a semi-weekly blog for The Huffington Post and has blogged at EmpowHER.com since 2013. Recently, Houston Women's Magazine named her One of Houston's Most Influential Women of 2016. Dr. Gross is a longtime leader in finding solutions to the nation’s toughest education challenges. She co-founded the first-of-its kind Cuney Home School with her husband Jenard, in partnership with Texas Southern University. The school serves as a national model for improving the academic performance of students from housing projects by engaging the parents. Dr. Gross also has a public school elementary and secondary campus in Texas that has been named for her. Additionally, she recently completed leading a landmark, year-long study in the Houston Independent School District to examine how stress-reduction affects academics, attendance, and bullying in elementary school students, and a second study on stress and its effects on learning. Such work has earned her accolades from distinguished leaders such as the Dalai Lama, who presented her with the first Spirit of Freedom award in 1998. More recently, she was honored in 2013 with the Jung Institute award. She also received the Good Heart Humanitarian Award from Jewish Women International, Perth Amboy High School Hall of Fame Award, the Great Texan of the Year Award, the Houston Best Dressed Hall of Fame Award, Trailblazer Award, Get Real New York City Convention's 2014 Blogging Award, and Woman of Influence Award. Dr. Gross’ book, The Only Way Out Is Through, is available on Amazon now and offers strategies for life’s transitions including coping with loss, drawing from dealing with the death of her own daughter. Her next book, How to Build Your Baby’s Brain, is also available on Amazon now and teaches parents how to enhance their child’s learning potential by understanding and recognizing their various development stages. And her first research book was published by Random House in 1987 on health and skin care titled Beautiful Skin. Dr. Gross has created 8 audio tapes on relaxation and stress reduction that can be purchased on Amazon.com. Most recently, Dr. Gross’s book, The Only Way Out is Through, was named a Next Generation Indie Book Awards Silver Medal finalist in 2020 and Winner of the 2021 Independent Press Awards in the categories of Death & Dying as well as Grief. Her latest book, How to Build Your Baby’s Brain, was the National Parenting Product Awards winner in 2019, the Nautilus Book Awards winner in 2019, ranked the No. 1 Best New Parenting Book in 2019 and listed among the Top 10 Parenting Books to Read in 2020 by BookAuthority, as well as the Next Generation Indie Book Awards Gold Medal winner in 2020 and Winner of the 2021 Independent Press Awards in the category of How-To. Dr. Gross received a BS in Education and an Ed.D. (Doctorate of Education) with a specialty in Curriculum and Instruction from the University of Houston. She earned her Master’s degree in Secondary Education with a focus on Psychology from the University of St. Thomas in Houston. Dr. Gross received her second PhD in Psychology, with a concentration in Jungian studies. Dr. Gross was the recipient of Kappa Delta Pi An International Honor Society in Education. Dr. Gross was elected member of the International English Honor Society Sigma Tau Delta.