I have felt anger bubbling inside me for so long as if a volcano had always been on the verge of a catastrophic eruption. Trying to keep it in, to avoid a disaster at all cost, I was scared to death of the damage it could cause if it were to erupt. Therefore, my subconscious was using all my available physical and mental energy, leaving almost none for my everyday life. No wonder was I physically and mentally exhausted all the time; my body was speaking to me, while I kept ignoring it.
Even though, I thought I knew myself from inside out, even though I thought I was living my truth every day with all my heart and conscience, I was still blind to myself ; I was scared to death to look at this anger, scared to feel it, not knowing what to do with so much unexpressed energy buried within me, passed on for generations through my subconscious. It was too strong for me to handle I thought; my subconscious kept telling me to address it, as I kept running away from it, as the pain and burden deepened inside and outside of myself. The sad consequence I had overlooked for so many years of ignoring this burden, was that it had been scaring away everybody passing by in my life. I took every departure from my life as a rejection, but because I was ignoring my own body wisdom, I was the one rejecting myself, therefore manifesting rejection in my external reality.
As a child, I didn’t have any other option but to obey and suppress that anger. But as adult past midlife, it was time to have the courage to take a peak in there, to go on a hike in this volcano, time to ask this burden to become my friend, so that I could finally see myself clearly, time to start embodying my real truth and lighten my load to open the door to light and happiness into my life, time to embrace my true life purpose. l suddenly started to feel grateful, realizing I had been chosen. The Universe had granted me the power to remove this burden from my family karma, creating the foundation for a positive and happy future for the future generations coming after me. I had been designated to carry it on my shoulders all my life so that I could free us all from what had been weighing us all down, making us all deeply unhappy and sick, despite what being shown to the external world.
I decided to tame this anger so that I could make it a friend. I started by asking it a few questions, to understand the ‘why’ of this repressed anger, of this unbearable weight I was still carrying until now. I warned him I might have too many questions and that I would try to be as gentle as I could. I knew it could explode at any time would I not be gentle enough. And then, it looked at me with relief and gave me the ok to start with my questions.
Had I been told not to express my anger out of fear, out of ignorance by those chosen to be my parents in this life? Were these parents told the same by their own parents? How did they feel back then when they were told to do so? How many generations before them had been told to do so? Why were my parents and all the generations before, so scared of anger, sadness, and pain? Why were emotions considered dangerous or threatening? Did they survive until now by building a wall and creating distance and violence in their external world as a coping mechanism to cope with the pain felt when told to carry this burden, passed on to them? As I went on with further questions, I started to take distance, to detach from the anger I had for them…I started to see them as they were, a wounded child that survived and didn’t know how to change. I started to see my family with a bird’s eye view. I could start forgiving them, looking at them with compassion, at the wounded inner children inside them.
I wanted to learn more about this new friend I had just made. Was this burden passed on through their subconscious without them realizing it? Did they ever let themselves feel the intensity of the pain buried within themselves? Could this painful karma be reversed to allow the healing process to start and open the door to happiness and light for the next generations? Would my own healing impact their own healing process through the energy field we are all connected to? My friend told me it would be possible, but it would depend on their willingness to do so. They were free to make the choice to stay in the pain until their death or to start embodying their true nature. I decided to let them go, to set them free. Now that my subconscious knew where it came from, how could I start to use this intense energy that had been pushed away deep inside of us for generations in a purposeful and meaningful way? Did I have to transform it or was I allowed to just set it free? The clouds started to dissolve slowly. My shoulders and neck pain I had felt all my life felt heard for the first time. The painful vibrating energy I had felt within my chest for as long as I could remember, could finally be heard and seen. The healing process could finally be completed. The circle was closed.
A whisper of relief came out of my body. The light could finally make its way into the cracks within me that I had envisioned as part of me forever. How wrong had I been? I could finally hear the message the Universe had been trying to send me for so long. I was here to get rid of this heavy burden carried for generations and become the change I wanted to see in the world. I suddenly started to become grateful for all the pain I had felt until now, for all the lessons learned. I was here for this important mission I had to accomplish. This was the Revolution I was here to start; the one that started by healing my own generation and the previous generations, to clear my karma from trauma and pain and start creating the life we had all dreamed of, that I had dreamed of. I was finally thankful to the Universe for giving me the gift of this life.
I had finally heard it. I had heard the Universe talking to me. I realized it was time for action and to heal us all. I kept asking a few more questions to my friend. How could I tap in this passed on anger for generations – so scary for many – and become the change I wanted to see in the world? How could this generational karma be broken? How could I release it without falling apart or scaring everybody around? How could I become the one that would heal and therefore change the world outside of me?
I decided to go back to the days it all started. This is what my friend told me : ‘because you were told every day, during the first and most important years of your life, to suppress your anger, because you were told not to feel the anger and pain you were passed on since many generations, your subconscious got used to the idea that it was the way your life had to be ; that you had to be the one always hearing others but not allowed to speak your truth or express what you were feeling. When you left the family home and became an adult, starting to live on your own, nothing could change in your life around you. Your external life could only be a reflection of what you had been shown: to hear others, to be present for others, but to never speak your truth, nor feel emotions or receive love.’ The sun finally agreed to come inside. I thanked my friend. I could finally start feeling the warmth of the sun in my deepest cracks, it even started to feel warm within.
My subconscious finally understood that it was time to become the change, to become the love that I had never felt nor received. It was time to create love in my career, in my body, my health, my home, and all my relationships. It was time to embody love. All these years of inner work, of losing everything, of spending hours alone to see and hear myself layer by layer, of finding my way back to my instinct and connecting it to my intellect, of finding my way back to my inner gifts, to my real self, digging deeper and deeper, releasing the pain, externalizing the chaos in my life through repetitive trauma and fear, all these years of receiving universal wisdom from the Universe, it all made sense now.
When I thought I had it all before, when I thought I had found my way back to happiness, when I thought I was awakened, the Universe had shown many times that it was just a start, a gateway opened to my inner self, the Universe showing me through unbearable chaos and pain what my body and the previous generations had endured, showing me it was time to heal, time to break this karmic trauma circle. It was time for love, for forgiveness. Time to go back on the road again.
I had learned through this external chaos and pain, the notions of impermanence and detachment, that would serve me for the rest of my life; and I felt so grateful for it. I had refused to see it, refused to see that my life purpose was to heal myself first, my own family, the previous generations and share with the rest of the world the precious gifts I had been given by the Universe. It was time to show the world that embodying love, healing ourselves, changing the world from within was far from naive, but was rather the only way to go from here. The answer to our prayers, the answer to the happiness we had all been wishing for, it was time to start a new Revolution from within, it was time to show the world how precious and deserving we all are of getting everything we wish for, showing that everything we wish for in our lives, on our planet, is possible through discipline, persistence, and openness. It was time for all of us to push together in the same direction, it was time to become an agent of change through my work and show the world that everybody could heal and become what they wished to be, become the change they wanted to see in their world, time to see the light, time for positive change, time for progress, time for equality, time for respect, time for inner wisdom and beauty, time to see the beauty in all of us and everything around us. Time had come for a New Revolution from within. This time was now.
Join me on this healing journey, join me on this path to the fulfillment of our wildest dreams, join me so that we can create together the paradise we have been longing for since we were born. This paradise already exists. It is within us. Join me on this exciting inner journey.
Join me to create the paradise we have been longing for.
@sophiawisdomwriter