I have heard so many times before that arguing can create stronger relationships. This may well be true for many couples but I do believe that it all depends on what the argument is about.

For instance, if you are arguing over trivial things like “why have you not taken the trash out yet?” or maybe even “you have been to the bar for over 5 hours” there is a good chance that once you have aired your feelings and wiped the slate clean, make up sex and long cuddles in bed will follow.

However for a woman like me with severe depression, anxiety and paranoia this sadly just is not the case. In all my previous relationships I have somehow managed to squeeze the life out of some poor unsuspecting man.

You see when the relationship starts I manage to hide my true self, all my uncertainties in life and all my very poor habits caused by my depression. Habits like staying within my four walls my safe zone, becoming addicted to social media including the stalking of my family to see who may be talking to my Mum and wondering why they are not talking to me, my insatiable thirst to be involved in everyone else’s business, my insane OCD’s like positioning every item I have at 45 degree angles, my laziness to cook and clean and worst of all my absolute lack of sex drive.

I paint a pretty picture for my new unsuspecting victim, I cook, I clean, I give massages without complaint, my social media is no where to be seen and I am totally interested in everything that is going on with them. That lasts for around 6 months before I start to fall back into my old ways. The arguments start to come initially from my paranoia that they will walk out on me, so I hurt them before they hurt me. I become nasty and resentful towards them picking on everything they do and have not even done yet. Nothing they do is good enough anymore, the weekend in a hotel that was so perfect a few months ago now gets put down as just a reason to have sex with me, so I make sure I don’t. I try to push them away in hope that they stay but in doing so I grind them down into the ground and suck every last inch of life from there eyes.

This continues, along with the arguments all caused by me, for a fair few months and even years. I manage somehow to manipulate them, to make them feel sorry for me. I give them nothing for so many days then give them a little which makes them appreciate it more and just when it feels like it might all be OK again, I kick them down and it all starts again. Cycle after cycle until eventually they just can’t take anymore.

And what is worse is that when it gets to that point, I don’t even let them leave me, I cheat on them and kick them out my life. Maybe because I find it easier to hurt someone when I hate them.

And what I find really strange is how I know all this, I know that I do all this and I have no idea how to stop. I wonder everyday if there are other women out there doing the same or similar to me. Do they have diagnosed depression? Have they managed to change and to settle down happily?