Spirituality has always been really tricky for me. I am not ‘woo’, and I don’t want to be woo either. Neither am I a big fan of organized religion, quite the contrary. Then again, there’s a lot of stuff out there that I – or anybody, really – can’t explain.
Where does that leave me then? The answer is, I don’t know. Yet.
The truth is I feel I don’t necessarily lack spiritual guidance in my life. On the other hand, I don’t want to miss out on something that’s available to me either. Makes sense?
I’ve had my fair share of things happening that are just way too much on point to be mere coincidence. Stuff like a person who has never met me seeing (for lack of a better word) that I would be married within the year to a man who speaks English and lives by a great water. That’s pretty specific, and guess what? Despite the fact that I didn’t even have a boyfriend at the time and no intention to leave Frankfurt, Germany – I did move to Seattle and marry my American husband before the year was out. Crazy shit, right?
That’s my top story, but of course there are tons of less impressive or irritating things too – things I can downplay or assign a lot of meaning to, depending on how I look at them. And for the time being, I go back and forth doing exactly that. Which would be okay if I were okay with it. But it doesn’t feel like a good approach for me. I like that I am more the all-in or all-out type.
So I have made a deal with myself: In 2021, I am going to be all-in. Which doesn’t mean I have to sign up for a ton of courses or join a community or anything. It means that I am going to give anything spiritual that comes my way a fair chance. I am going to keep an open mind about all of it. And who knows, this might be a lot of fun …
The question remains, why would I do this?
Because I have this nagging sense that it could benefit my personal growth. There’s something I can’t quite grasp right now and if there’s a way to lift that veil, let’s do it!
Also – and this may be my main reason to open up to exploring more – I miss having very strong intuition. There was a time when I used to trust myself always, no matter how supposedly crazy my ideas were.
The other day, talking to a very spiritual coaching colleague, I knew exactly when and why I lost it: I lost it when my father died – because I trusted so much that he would always have my back that there was really no reason not to go with my gut. It was safe.
Life became a lot riskier for me when he was gone. And at times, a sense of “the buck stops here now” made me shy away from my intuition – until it became harder and harder to tap into.
Things have been on the up again, however, since I moved to America, which was totally a gut-and-heart decision. Same when I found our dog, on a site best described as the dog-adoption equivalent of Tinder. I stopped swiping immediately when I saw Lili, and I just knew she was my dog. That’s the type of confidence in my intuition I want to regain in other areas too. Acknowledging that is a big step in the right direction. I hope.
Another step I am working on is building trust – trust in the Universe, or Source, or Energy, or whatever you want to call it. (For me personally, the word won’t be God because that comes with a lot of unpleasant memories of Catholic boarding school and misogynistic messaging. But hey, that’s my take on it.)
How I am going to build that trust? Well, I realized that when I feel my way into trust, the thought that comes up is always my father. So now I am working with the mantra, “I trust the Universe as much as I used to trust my dad.”
In the beginning I judged myself quite a bit for this one – sounds a little silly and childish for someone who just turned 50, doesn’t it? It took me a while to see that actually there’s nothing silly about cherishing the feeling that you could trust someone – or something – completely. It’s a gift– and I can allow myself to embrace it.
I still slip a lot in trusting the “something else out there”, but when I remember to say my mantra and sit with it, it feels really good. And that’s good enough for me right now.
So, 2021, feel free to bring on all the spiritual! We’ll see where you lead me…