Whatever the label, there is no doubt that people face a variety of stressors that can combine in a perfect storm during midlife. At the ripe age of 53, I know because I have experienced a few myself. So have many of my contemporaries and coaching clients.
Many midlifers will experience major life events. For others, the journey through these years can be paved with a number of less dramatic, but still debilitating, setbacks. These events, combined with financial, family and career commitments that are often at their peak in midlife, can eclipse our friends and make us feel isolated. No wonder some topple into crisis mode.
Knowledge Is Power
The upside is that billions of people have been through midlife and emerged stronger for it. Some have completely transformed their lives (or attitudes to their lives) for the better. I stress the word “attitude” because, in my experience coaching people in midlife, attitude lies at the heart of everything. The first step is to recognise the symptoms of a potential crisis and the causes behind them. Then you can explore your attitude and possible solutions.
6 Symptoms Of A Midlife Crisis
This is by no means a full list. We are unique and complex beings, no less so in midlife! These are just a small selection of the challenges I have noticed in myself and those I work with, and some potential ways to tackle them.
1.
“What I loved about my life/job/self ten years ago just isn’t working for me anymore.”
You’ve lost your sense of purpose, maybe even your sense of identity. Moving through this will involve looking at your current situation with discernment (i.e. calmly noticing what is not working or has gone wrong in order to work out how to move forward), rather than leaping into a negative state of judgement and blame. This will allow you to understand why things are not working, but keep you open to discovering what inspires and motivates you now.
2.
“I’ve hit a ceiling. I can’t seem to move beyond it.”
You feel held back from reaching your full potential. There may be barriers at work, or it could be responsibilities in your home life that you feel are “holding you back”. The first thing to examine is your perspective. What’s “the ceiling” really like? How are you judging it and what if you viewed it from a different perspective? This would give you a broader view of where you are and what is really possible from that place.
3.
“I’ve reached the top of my game – so why am I lacking fulfilment?”
You have been living under the illusion that when you achieve a goal, you will be rewarded by a lasting sense of peace and happiness. This is rarely the case as one goal usually leads to another – you may find yourself measuring the success of your current situation against whatever you hope to achieve next. Or perhaps you are comparing yourself to someone else. It is worth examining how aligned your outward success is with your inner values. Motivations are also worth exploring: these can change over time, so what inspired you in the early days may not be as important to you now.
4.
“I feel like a dinosaur – everyone is younger, smarter and more attractive than me.”
You feel jealous of and threatened by younger people. This is a classic case of negative self-judgement (or, in coach-speak, your “saboteurs”) hijacking your confidence. I have a client who is a celebrity photographer. She is really cool and extremely good at what she does. Now aged sixty, she has worked hard to quieten her own negative self-talk in this area. This has involved meditation, journaling, regular exercise and coaching to get her in touch with what she really knows to be true: she is a world-class photographer and her experience is of immense value.
5.
“I’m tired. What to do with the next 25 years of my life?”
The last few years have felt like hard work. You feel overwhelmed by a sense of ennui. Any hope of retirement is miles off and, even if you could retire tomorrow, what would you do? You are judging the future and the future looks grey. So focus on today – your power is in the now. What can you start doing from this moment that will bring more colour into your life and increase your energy? The first areas to explore are your sleep patterns, diet and exercise.
6.
“I know I have options – but I can’t seem to take action.”
You want to make changes and you are positively overwhelmed with ideas. The difficulty is taking the first step. Many of my clients come from a creative background and sometimes their idea-generating abilities can work against them. They feel paralysed by possibility, stuck in a web of procrastination – and then beat themselves up about it. When this happens, I ask them to become their own editor: to prioritise one option, commit to it and act on it. Keep it singular and keep showing up.
Recognising the Judge Inside Your Head
There is a common trigger to all the dilemmas we face in midlife: judgement. We judge ourselves, we judge those around us and we judge the situations we find ourselves in. We fear being judged.
“But, if I didn’t make judgements, nothing would ever get better, I’d get taken advantage of, make poor decisions and everything would be a complete mess!” I hear you cry, a touch judgmentally.
By all means, be discerning and perceptive. Take stock of situations calmly and with curiosity, then you can figure out what to do from a place of neutrality.
When you find yourself feeling angry, ashamed, betrayed, let down, scornful or disappointed, it is a sign that you have been hijacked by The Judge. You may think it is helping, but you end up feeling worse.
Evicting the Judge
You notice I’m calling the negative feelings “The Judge”. This is because these thoughts and feelings are not You. They are just thoughts and feelings. Once you can create a distance between yourself and them, it is much easier to quieten these negative judgements and distance yourself from them.
So imagine, who is this Judge of yours? Give it a character (nothing scary, you want to reduce its power over you). You might want to give it a name according to its personality. I call mine “Aunt Mary” – she looks down on everything, sneers at the world around her and is constantly miserable, dressed in black (a bit like the widowed Queen Victoria), she carries a black umbrella that she uses to whack people with. Be as detailed as you like with it!
Next time you notice a judgmental thought in your head, label it as your Judge. Instead of “I really made a mess of that!”, I would re-frame it as, “Aunt Mary says I really made a mess of that!” The image of Aunt Mary sneering down her nose at me waving her brolly is absurd: the initial thought has completely lost its power over me.
It takes practise but eventually you will find yourself able to call out the Judge whenever it opens its mouth. The more you notice it, the easier you will distance yourself from it. With time, it will be natural to replace its doom-laden pronouncements with a calmer sense of discernment and even gentleness.
Midlife Without The Crisis
Once you have distanced yourself from the Judge, you will notice how much lighter you feel and how much more kindly disposed you will be to yourself, others and whatever situation you find yourself in. This is because you are getting more in touch with your Inner Wisdom. Building a deeper connection to that part of your psyche is one of the major benefits of getting older. We all have deep wisdom within us and, when we clear the noise of the Judge and the other negative self-talk inside our head, we can really listen to what it has to say.