“Oh sh*t,” I thought as he walked through the door of the bar. It was a stupid blind date I was making myself go on. I was not looking for love or a relationship. But as soon as we saw each other, it was on. I was not prepared for it, but there it was. Let me preface this by saying I am not a romantic person. I don’t really subscribe to love at first sight, but the joke was on me. We fell in love in days, got engaged in weeks, and were married less than a year after meeting. A decade later, those early days are a fond memory, and the least significant part of our strength as a couple. Our purpose, our values, our vision, our agreements, and the ways we bring those to life within the fabric of our chaotic, overwhelmingly full life keep us healthy, connected, and in love.
My career as a clinical social worker, therapist, clinical director, and educator has offered me intense on-the-job training in relationships. Years of study helped me in my work with families and children, but it illuminated my own experiences in relationships even more. Like most therapists, I learn as much from my clients as they learn from me, and I do my own work to apply this wisdom in my life. Helping people create healthy relationships that cascade into all aspects of their lives is my passion and purpose.
Committed romantic relationships are the hardest part of adult life. The complexities of each human and the creation of a shared experience through each change and challenge make this task a gamble even with advanced training. I failed in my first marriage. Our different histories combined to create challenges we lacked the skills to navigate. We created a family and made a go of it but ended up much better friends and co-parents than partners. I want to help you make better and more deliberate choices by understanding the neuroscience, psychology, and human tendencies that influence how we are in relationships.
When we meet someone, everything is exciting and new. We ride a high of excitement and desire fueled by brain chemicals, which mimic the physical reactions of drug use. While movies romanticize this as destiny, falling in love is rooted in biology and evolution. The challenge comes after the chemical high subsides, and we’re mired in everyday life. Mistaking this reaction as magic, couples often fail to create the healthy foundation needed to grow through challenges. Many panic as the honeymoon phase passes, breaking up, mistaking struggle as proof they aren’t destined to be together.
The opportunity to create a powerful relationship during this initial intense period is incredible, but we often avoid planning or work to maintain the magic. Doing this work early instills health into the fibers of the relationship, setting the stage for open communication and mutual care from the start. If you are years into your partnership, don’t despair. It is never too late to create strength through rebuilding the foundation of your relationship.
Those early days of any relationship are fun but unsustainable. They light a spark and remind us of the power of relationships. Taking time to pause and evaluate your purpose as a couple at any stage forms the bedrock of your union and enables everything else to be fun and enlivening. Supporting your relationship with intentionality is critical to its health and your own well-being. We feel the disturbances in our relationships reflected in our bodies and minds.
Connection to others is one of the most important components of a healthy and happy life. The research on the effects of loneliness and isolation on brain and body health is clear. Learning how to feed and support a healthy and sustaining relationship is the most powerful thing we can do for ourselves.
Bring to mind a time when you and your partner fought. Even just a small irritation—you go to bed cranky. You lie there ruminating on the exchange, going over what you should have said. How do you sleep? How do you feel when you wake up? That following day, if you have not made up, how does parenting or work go? How’s your focus?
When we have an upset with our partner, it impacts everything—focus, sleep, appetite, and even our immune system. If we are in a state of frequent upset, cortisol levels rise, and our health suffers. Over time this wreaks havoc on our mental health.
Romantic relationships hold some of the most powerful opportunities for growth and learning if we pay attention and work intentionally. Ensuring our relationship is thriving creates the platform for us to become the healthiest version of ourselves.
The good news is this is easier than you think.
Excerpted from Fire It Up: Four Secrets to Reigniting Intimacy and Joy in Your Relationship, available January 7, 2025
