How To Figure Out What You Want

Is your life what you want it to be? Does it look anything like what you hoped it would when you were a little girl? If you’re like most women, it probably doesn’t. (Even if it’s pretty good.)

Life has a way of pulling you off course. It’s loud and demanding, and it takes everything you’ll give it. (You’re responsible for so many people and so many things it makes your head spin, doesn’t it?)

Typically, it’s not one big thing that moves you in the wrong direction. It’s usually the culmination of a lot of little things that do. Every time you say yes when you mean no, cross yourself off your own list (to make room for someone else) or shut your mouth when you really need to say something, you step a little further down the path of wrong.

If you do this for long enough, you can get yourself pretty lost. (Like deep-in-the-woods-without-a-compass lost.) If this sounds familiar, don’t worry. You can find your way back – to yourself and that life you used to dream about. You really can. But you have to decide what you want before you take any more steps.

Your wants function like true north on a compass. Once you’ve decided on them, they can help you decide on everything else. In this week’s episode of “GrooveTV” I’m gonna help you figure out what you want. We’ll do it in about five minutes and three simple steps. Press play already. Your wants are waiting. (And your life is totally worth the five minutes, isn’t it?)

Step 1 — Write down what’s working.

Even if you’re lost with a capital L-O-S-T, there are still good things in your life. We want to focus on those first. We start with what’s working, because what’s working leaves clues, builds confidence, and makes you feel good. (And that’s always a good thing.)

This step is simple and fun. Just answer one question for each of the seven areas of your life. What’s working?

Your health and self-care.
Your relationships.
Your career.
Your money.
Your home.
Your playtime and personal experience.
Your spiritual connection.

When an area of your life is working for you, keep doing the things you’re doing to support that area of your life. And give yourself a little pat on the back for all that’s going right. You’re gonna need a little boost. Because our next step asks you to focus on what’s wrong.

Step 2 — Write down what isn’t working. And what you want instead.

Ironically, the isn’t-working part of this step is usually pretty easy for people. We humans are obsessed with focusing on what’s wrong in our lives. We bond over it. We even compete with each other to see who has it the worst. (Makes no sense at all when you see it written down, does it?)

Which means if you’re focused on what you don’t want (instead of what you do) you’re likely creating the very things you’re trying to avoid. Let’s stop that madness, okay?

Right now, I want you to write down every single thing that isn’t working, isn’t good enough, is disappointing, or in any other way is not what you want. We’ll do it for the same categories we started with in step one. (Repeated here for your convenience.)

What isn’t working?

Your health and self-care.
Your relationships.
Your career.
Your money.
Your home.
Your playtime and personal experience.
Your spiritual connection.

As soon as you’ve identified what isn’t working, I want you to ask the magic question. (Remember the magic word when you were a kid? The magic question works the same way. It helps you get what you want.)

What do you want instead?

You don’t have energy to waste. Stop wasting it being frustrated that your life isn’t what you want it to be. Redirect your focus to what you want instead, and you take your power back. Okay, revisit each item that isn’t working, and decide what you want instead.

I saved the hardest step for last. (Well of course I did, right?)

It’s okay to want more than what you have. It’s normal and human to want to feel good and to want good things. You’re not spoiled or selfish because you do. But I bet you’ve been told differently.

There’s a bully in your head. We’ve talked about her before. She plays this tape of rules and reminders you’ve heard throughout your life. (And she goes crazy when you start reaching for more.)

She asks you who you think you are, what makes you think you’re so special, or some other combination of garbage designed to keep you stuck and scared. (No more stuck and scared. Okay?)

Let’s muzzle her. Put her on a time-out, and stop listening to her. (Check out my blog “How to connect with your power” to learn more about your inner bully and how to silence her.)

Here’s what’s okay.

It’s okay to want more than what you have right now. That does not make you ungrateful.
It’s okay to want more for yourself than what your parents, family or friends have. That does not mean you think you’re better than anyone.
It’s okay to want things that require other people in your life to make adjustments or sacrifices. You’re worth the adjusting and sacrificing. (Yes, really.)
It’s okay to spend money on yourself. (Even if you’re working inside the home not physically earning that money. If you’re home with kids, you’re working harder than most of us, even if that work doesn’t get validated with a paycheck.)
It’s okay to have dreams that put you in a position of being recognized and praised. You being big does not make anyone else small.
It’s okay to want an abundance of money and the nice things and the freedom that having an abundance of money brings. There is enough to go around.
It’s okay to be ambitious, outspoken, assertive, and clear about what you want. (Yes, there are some who will call you a bitch when you live this way. But you don’t need to be a bitch to have what you want. You just need to stop being afraid of being one.)
It’s okay to want. Hunger is human.
If you need to print this blog and tape it on your bathroom mirror as a daily reminder, please do it.

YOUR PERMISSION TO WANT IS GRANTED, MY SISTER.

There comes a time in every woman’s life, where she needs to make a choice about how she’s going to live, who she’s going to be, and what she’s going to go for. If you’re reading these words, you’ve reached your choice point.

That’s it for the week. Remember that I never want you to blindly take my word for anything. Only you know what’s right for you. I just happen to have a few coaching tools that can help you get closer to that wisdom. Give this lesson’s advice a test drive in your life, and let me know how it goes. There are three ways for us to interact.

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And you got this!