I’ve always been someone who questions herself. My mind whirs with overthinking and second guessing.

“Was that text too much?”

“Was I too short with them in that group chat?”

“Maybe he didn’t ask me out again because he met someone better.”

I noticed this habit of mine most when I was single and dating. Even after having the most connected, flirtatious, blissful dates, I’d close my apartment door at the end of the night and think things like, Was I too serious? Should I have made him laugh more?

This would cause me to draw (inaccurate) conclusions about a lot of things. I’d convince myself he wasn’t going to text or ask me out again. When he did, I remained skeptical of our connection because I had created a belief that I had bombed our first date — so why are we on a second? Surely this budding relationship was a ruse and any minute he’d say, “Just kidding, I don’t like you after all, but leading you on was fun.”

My anxiety and overthinking caused me to keep my guard up, trying to do everything “right” in my relationships, rather than be my authentic self with men.

The story I told myself was, “If I show him who I really am — all my imperfections — he’ll leave me for someone else.” Not the inspiring anthem I’d like playing on repeat in my mind.

I knew I needed to change this narrative to have the life I wanted to live. Deleting that story in my mind led me to my incredible husband of four years. And now, I lead a movement of women who are releasing their “I’m not good enough” stories and claiming their worth, too — especially when it comes to relationships.

Here are the three most important things I’ve learned about worthiness that you can adopt in your own life.

Choosing to feel worthy every day is something that only YOU control.

Feeling “good enough” is a mindset, meaning it can ebb and flow, without notice. Some days you may feel powerful, like you’re truly in the right place in life, and other days might have you feeling as if you’re “less than” others around you, questioning your decisions.

At my lowest point, I settled for way less than what I was worth when it came to love. I was in a two-year relationship with a catfisher, someone I met in an AOL chatroom, who I had never met in person.

It’s embarrassing for me to admit that to you. I’m a love coach — I’m supposed to have had these super inspiring relationships that led me to where I’m at both personally and professionally. But the raw, honest truth is that there was a time in my life I felt like I wasn’t worth more than a fake relationship, so I settled for a guy who called me almost everyday for two years, but never took me on a date.

For that time period, I loved him without receiving anything in return. We’ve yet to meet. Sometimes I wonder if he’s even real.

Meanwhile, at my highest point of worthiness, I walked away from a man who wanted to marry me — a man I lived with — because I knew deserved more than the way he treated me. I stood up for my heart. Even though I was across the country from my friends and family, living in a place where I had virtually no support, I left him, because I realized I was worthy of more than he was capable of in a relationship.

What got me there was recognizing that worthiness is an internal feeling, not something that can be given to you externally through validation.

I still have my days — it’s natural. But they are temporary. The days I struggle with enoughness are the ones that didn’t start off as powerfully.

So when you get up, choose your worth. Some of my clients choose to meditate to get into their worthy mindset, while others might have a dance party to a feel-good playlist. What makes you feel worthy? Do whatever you can to lean into that feeling so you can start your day on a high note, and keep that feeling throughout.

Change the narrative of your life.

We talk to ourselves more than any other person we interact with — all day, we’re in our own ear gabbing away. That inner dialogue is powerful because we believe whatever we say. It’s the reality we exist within.

So, what are you telling yourself?

Maybe you’re saying you could have done better on that project you just finished.

Or you’re telling yourself you’re not good with vulnerability.

Or you’re wondering if you’re meant to be alone, questioning if love exists for you.

The problem isn’t merely the obvious low self-esteem this creates, but also that when you tell yourself these things, there’s no opportunity to believe differently.

Our brains have a negativity bias, which means we’re built to look for limits. A study done at Ohio State University found that the brain consistently reacts most strongly to negative stimuli more than anything else. That means it’s easy for us to see the bad in everything or slip into a doomsday mentality. It can create what my clients and I call the lonely loop, where you spiral on all the negativity in your life and create more and more in your head until there isn’t much that’s positive left.

But we have the power to create perspective. Unconsciously, we may notice the negative evidence — the reason that belief is true. But consciously, we can acknowledge the positive.

When you look for the positive evidence that you’re good enough, you’ll see it. You might find it in small things first — the man who smiles at you at the coffee shop or a compliment given by a coworker on the last project you worked on. Soon, you may notice more significant positive evidence. It doesn’t mean it wasn’t there before; now, you’re capable of seeing it and fully experiencing the ways you’re amazing.

Give yourself what you want to receive from others.

Often, we’re waiting for a feeling. It could be that you’re waiting to feel loved, accepted, desired, or appreciated. For you, what is it that you hope you’ll feel in a relationship?

I ask, because all the time, I hear women say things like, “I attract men who aren’t emotionally available. All I want is to be prioritized.” But when we look closer, she recognizes that in fact, she isn’t prioritizing herself.

The term relationship often refers to two people. But we have a relationship with ourselves, too, and we need to feel fulfilled in that connection first, so we can relate to another person with our whole heart.

When I was single, I wanted to receive commitment. I desired a man who was committed to me, but I noticed I wasn’t committing to myself. I was withholding from myself (and others), and essentially taught myself that I was not worthy.

So I leaned into my relationship with myself. I showed up for myself in a way I hadn’t before, taking myself on dates. I stopped waiting for a guy to appear to go to that museum or concert. Instead, I went because it’s what I wanted to do. I became my own best friend.

When I did this, I attracted higher quality men, the type I wanted to have in my life. And they wanted to commit to me. Suddenly I didn’t just have one man who wanted to commit, but I had options. And soon enough, I met the right one, my husband, my worthy one.

When you believe you deserve the best, it’s what you receive. So I wonder, what do you desire in your next relationship?

When you get clear and own that desire, I bet you’ll notice a shift in your life. And perhaps, it will lead to feeling a little more worthy every day. 

Ready to claim your worth?

Join hundreds of women in The Worthy One community who are empowering their love lives through supporting one another and focusing on personal growth. It’s a free space for you. If you are ready to feel worthy, we are ready to celebrate you.