People pleasing! It seems to me the latest trends amongst many of my clients and people who I need lately. I consider it to be a negative habit which can easily be replaced with a positive habit, IF we are willing to take the time and effort to practice. There are many aspects to people pleasing which goes beyond the scope of this article, but one thing I want to cover is the challenge that most people pleasers have been able to say no.
The first point, which I think it is important for people to recognize is that if you are saying yes to someone and something then it means you are saying no to something else. We all have only 24 hours in the day and we are all busy filling those hours with things that we want to do and need to do and then sadly so many things that we might feel obligated to do as well. I don’t mean obligation out of a sense of loyalty or necessity, but rather obligation the sense of feeling guilt if we say no
The second point is to then ask ourselves if I recognize that saying yes to something or someone means I’m saying no to something else or myself, then what is my criteria for deciding to say yes? Is it because I am afraid of the reaction I would get if I said no? Is it because I believe that saying no makes a selfish person? Am I just caught up in a pattern of saying yes to everyone else and denying myself the things I really want to do? Perhaps even it is a sense of guilt if I say no to anything I know I could do even if I really don’t want to.
Lastly, we need to understand the origin of this. Do I find myself repeating patterns that I observed in the relationship of my parents? Am I often so concerned with what other people think of me that this dictates my ability to make decisions? Do I believe that society has taught me that putting myself first makes me selfish or unkind? Maybe it is a combination of many of these things.
So how can I begin to change this behavior? Here are some quick and easy techniques to begin to make some changes:
1 – Practice offering less. One of the things that I find people pleaser do most often is to overpromise to their own detriment. It may not even be about saying no, because the people pleaser is offering assistance before it is even asked. Can you try to go one week without offering unsolicited help?
2 – Say yes to yourself first. Take this week to block out some time for things that you want to do for you and do not compromise this time. If someone asks you to change your plans firmly and politely let them know that you can’t.
3 – Practice saying no in gentle yet assertive ways. Such as, “I am honoured, but I can’t”, “Darn it! I am not able to fit this in my schedule!”, “No thank you, but maybe next time. It sounds great” or ” I’m not taking anything else on at this time”
Learning how to say no is a practice like anything else we learn. It is a new method of speech and a shift in our brain patterns. Like any other habits we form, it takes time and practice, but if we can do this at least four weeks in a row we will begin to see the new pathways that are formed in our brain. Before we know it we will say yes to ourselves reflexively and saying no will become the norm rather than the exception.