“Setting Boundaries Isn’t About Distance; It’s About Limits.”
– Brittany Mondido, 2021
Are you having a difficult time setting boundaries around a family member, friend or maybe at work?
We tend to avoid uncomfortable conversations and just let things be. I get it, I’ve been there and it kept me in a loop of overcommits, feeling out of alignment and constantly finding myself in frustration.. to name a few.
First, the boundary has to exist; and although, boundaries tend to be foreign for some people, we can’t necessarily blame the other person if we hadn’t set the boundary in the first place. We’ll get into that..
Let’s say you have set the boundary and you feel someone may be crossing the line?
One way to recognize if someone is crossing a boundary is you may find yourself feeling guilty, questioning your decision, feel heat in your face, changing your mind by someone pressuring you or maybe you’re feeling heaviness in your chest, shoulders, tummy (I’ll get into this in the next article).
Either way, this is telling you something; someone is crossing your boundary.
Now, there’s beauty in setting boundaries; once you start setting boundaries (kindly), you can look forward to having more healthier, vibrant and thriving relationships.
And, I get it. I used to feel uncomfortable and obligated to do certain things because I didn’t know how to communicate my limits.. I didn’t know how to stand up for myself, use my voice and draw the line.
Sound familiar?
The perception of boundaries tend to be “dividing” or “distancing” so let’s dive a little deeper into what boundaries really are and the importance of them. And guess what? Boundaries bring you closer, and maybe that sounds contradicting. It did for me and here’s why.
My definition of boundaries meant, I was creating a wall around people and they weren’t allowed in, and I wasn’t a good person if I didn’t “allow” or let things just flow. Plus, it was easier that way.. from what I thought. This is the story I told myself–to avoid any discomfort or confrontation–which I was feeling any way when someone crossed a boundary; and I know we can relate in one way or another, so let’s redefine what it means to set boundaries.
Another thing I realized is, just because I can do something doesn’t mean I have to. I had to really build the relationship with myself first and as that relationship deepened, the deeper everything else around me had become.
The deeper you become with yourself, the deeper everything else around you becomes.
– Brittany mondido, 2020
First, let’s explore what boundaries mean to you and identify your needs.
When you hear the word boundaries, do your palms sweat? Heart starts to flutter? Maybe. Yet, boundaries are beautiful. Boundaries are creating and holding space for yourself and protecting your personal space.
Think of boundaries as, someone is given guidelines as to where they’re allowed versus where they’re not allowed. And, you’re the decision maker of your life so you’re allowed to create these guidelines based on your own limits.
Now, if we go on Google and search define boundaries, it says “a line that marks the limits of an area.” It doesn’t mean putting up a wall and removing the person from your life; it doesn’t mean confrontation; it doesn’t mean division. It means, you’re protecting your space and setting limits around what’s acceptable and what’s not.. which, you have every right to do.. once upon a time, I didn’t know that until.. I did. I’ll share more on this below.
Let’s identify your own personal needs.
Each of us are unique in our own way and have different needs depending on how we operate.
One example is, I had a client that wasn’t sure how to communicate with someone who kept stopping by, unexpectedly. Some of us are okay with people randomly stopping by our homes and inviting themselves in whereas others are not.
The bridge here is, communication. Be sure to communicate these boundaries because sometimes, people don’t intentionally mean to push your boundaries if they don’t even know they exist. And the people that do push your boundaries, make sure to stand by your boundaries and.. maybe revisit this relationship to see if this is something you truly want in your life.
I enjoy visionary examples so here’s another: Let’s say we’re driving around in a car and there’s a sign or person flagging you to “go this way, not that way”. Maybe you get frustrated at first but maybe that road is under construction or has a block party, who knows.
Point is, we don’t have to know.. we just need a sign to guide us in the right direction, to be communicated with — without feeling the need to give an explanation. That leads us to our next step.
What I’ve learned is: Boundaries can be set, kindly, with compassion and filled with a lot of love. It’s not about distance, it’s about limits.
2. Communication is the key..
And you’re the one holding the key.
If people don’t know the boundary exists, how do they know where they’re allowed?
This one is a heavy one, and I get it. You may have an underlying fear of having the conversation and potentially losing this person or job; yet, setting boundaries can be created, very kindly and in a way that serves both parties. Yeah, it may feel like this ‘heavy’ thing but remember, anything with practice gets stronger so the more you practice this, the lighter it becomes.. so let it be easy; and I promise, it does get easier.
Here’s the thing: no one can read your mind (some, for sure, can feel your energy but hear me out). The best way to set the boundary is to communicate. It cannot be assumed someone else knows what your boundaries are if you haven’t created them, communicated them and actually stood by them.
Do you find yourself feeling pressured and saying “yes” when you initially said no?
Do you find yourself changing your mind because you feel bad and/or guilty?
Maybe you find yourself feeling like ‘this is what I am supposed to do’ or “this is the right thing to do” — but says who?
Be sure to revisit these beliefs to make sure you created them and it isn’t an inherited belief that you’re holding onto. I’ll get into that in another article.
Having the uncomfortable conversation takes a lot of courage, but I promise it will lead you somewhere beautiful.
– brittany mondido, 2020
If people aren’t aware the boundary exists, they will go over it whether it’s intentional or not. Have the uncomfortable conversation with good intentions. (PS- I used to sweat on this one and my voice would crack but there’s beauty in standing up for yourself, just be aware of the ego).
Here are some tips:
Tip 1: Meet each other at the same tone – and by this, I don’t mean if they’re raising their voice, you do the same. If someone raises their voice or gets defensive, the conversation may need to be revisited at another time.
Tip 2: Use “I” versus “you” statements, i.e. You make me feel ‘x’ versus “I feel this way” (more on this below)
Tip 3: Be aware of the ego and hold space for the conversation; feel free to call it what it is: i.e. “It’s uncomfortable for me to have this conversation with you but I am hoping we can talk about ‘x’. I feel ‘x’ when ‘x’ and I am no longer holding space for ‘x'” ~ use your language but below is a personal example.
“There’s something I feel uncomfortable talking about and I am hoping we can hold some space for each other without it being this big thing or making either of us feel a certain way.”
Rewinding back:
- Saying No : I used to have a really difficult time saying No (I’ll get into more examples of this) so I needed to get used to saying no by saying I’ll let you know or No, thank you! or else I found myself making up an excuse and explaining myself like I owed someone something all because I felt guilty saying NO.
- Uncomfortable Conversations: I used to get really uncomfortable, frustrated and feel out of alignment any time I heard someone gossiping and/or I was around negative energy. I would tighten up and feel like a bad person because I was there, although I wasn’t saying a word. When I decided to put my big girl pants on, here’s how I responded:
My response using the “I” statements and calling it what it is:
“Hey, I hope you receive this the way I mean it; I just feel uncomfortable when someone is being spoken about and they’re not in the room.. When I’m around, can we just be a little more mindful of what we’re talking about.. it’s just not something I am holding space for.”
VERSUS
“Hey, I hope you receive this the way I mean it; You make feel uncomfortable when you’re talking about someone and they’re not in the room. When I’m around, can you be a little more mindful of what you’re talking about.. it’s just not something I am holding space for.”
All I felt were Eminem lyrics “palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy” as I was petrified of the outcome.. my voice was cracking.. I’m pretty sure I almost cried (from the build up) but there’s beauty in this.
The outcome: people started to explain themselves; this gave me a second to ground, take a few breaths through my nose and be present rather than worry about what they were going to say, how they were going to respond to then potentially changing my mind. I was focusing on holding space to listen with love while remembering my intention–instead of worrying and thinking about my response. PS – there were about 7-8 people in the room (family) and I felt like I was by myself on this one, yet it felt refreshing. I recognized this wasn’t my ego talking, it was my true self.. the person I needed to stand up for and protect–her energy and as a whole.
Tip 4: Set the intention without an expectation. Before you have the conversation, have a little peptalk with yourself. “My intention is to set boundaries around x.” Having expectations may lead to disappointment so step in with good intentions and the inner-knowing you did what feels right–in alignment with you. Standing up for yourself takes courage. ☺
3. Let it be easy and practice saying, “No”
Do you tend to overcommit yourself?
Say yes because you can?
You avoid saying no because, well, maybe you’re worried about what other’s may think or say?
Maybe you’ve been in a situation (more times than once..) where someone is pushing you to change your “no” into a “yes” to meet their need?.. and you do to meet their need.
Or maybe it’s something else, but practicing your “no” muscle is so important!
There’s another way.. You can say no with so much love and compassion without explaining yourself. And guess what? You can easily turn a “no” into a yes if YOU want to (be sure it’s what you want).
If “no” feels like a big stretch, you can do what I did and start with: “I’ll let you know” or “I’m going to sit with this” until your boundary setting practice becomes stronger, and it will!
You’ll feel so good about this and your relationships will become so much stronger especially the one with yourself.
You’ll feel so good about this and your relationships will become so much stronger especially the one with yourself.
BRITTANY MONDIDO, 2020
4. Give yourself the space to clear your head before you make a decision
Maybe you want to set boundaries, however, you haven’t fully committed to this practice for a reason I haven’t mentioned.
- Find presence in the moment so you step in with a clear-headed version of yourself
- Communicate so the other person knows the limits
- Be mindful of making pressured decisions
- Go in with the intention (not expectation) to clear the air
- Approach this with love and compassion
Whatever decision you make, be sure the energy behind the decision is backed with faith, not fear.
When you make a decision, ask yourself:
“Am I making this decision with faith?”
“Am I making this decision with fear?”
One of my favorite quotes from Tony Robbins is “you do what you want to do or you respond to someone else’s plan for you” so it’s up to you.
TONY ROBBINS, UNLIMITED POWER
This doesn’t make you a bad person, it makes you a better—and stronger person. You’ll find yourself in healthier relationships that light you up and vice versa!
No one is entitled to you. No one.
Closing out with this one.
Maybe some people feel they’re entitled to you or you believe they ‘deserve’ it in some way, shape or form. Whatever it is, revisit it and explore it some more. No one is entitled to you and no one can make decisions for your adult self—unless you let them.
Protect Your Energy
We are energetic beings.. be mindful of your energy and protect it at all costs. Your energy is for YOU to protect so setting boundaries is showing up for yourself which, ultimately, leads to you showing up for others so much more fully.
And if you’re a giver, be EXTRA sure to set boundaries because takers don’t have any.
brittany mondido, 202
I trust this helps! I would love to know how this worked out for you and if you need guidance, shoot me an email! I have a free masterclass, here. This will help you through your transformation journey.
Don’t forget, you’re a beautiful human and deserve beautiful things.
Xx,
Brittany Mondido
Sending you love & light