Protecting the Home Front—How to Set Boundaries with Work
When someone I work with is going through an especially challenging time in their job, I make sure to inquire about how things are going with their partner, family, or friends. I do so because of the extensive body of research indicating that the more intense the demands of your job are, the more likely they are to conflict or interfere with your duties at home, making you have to choose one over the other.
You get home too exhausted to help with dinner or the kids’ homework, too irritable to enjoy date night with your partner, or so tense and preoccupied that everyone stays away from you. Over time, your loved ones will feel that you’re prioritizing work over them, not just because you’re shirking your responsibilities at home, but because you seem so focused on work when you’re at home.
Most people bristle at the suggestion that their work matters to them more than their loved ones do. In a 2023 survey, 73% of people said their family took priority over their jobs. Other studies found that people who prioritized family over work were happier than those who did not. That should put the question to rest except for one caveat: there is a gap between our stated priorities—what we believe matters to us most—and our lived priorities—the choices we actually make on a daily basis
Consider the following scenario: Your boss, who decides the amount of your yearly bonus, invites you to a work dinner that conflicts with your kid’s recital. Do you accept the invitation? When 500 workers were asked the same question, two-thirds of them—66%—said they would choose the work dinner. Indeed, surveys found that in the United States, employees spend less than 60 minutes of focused and meaningful time per day with their family and even less time with their friends.
The demands of our jobs don’t just impact our relationships, they affect our loved ones’ well-being and emotional health directly (known as crossover effects). One of the more unfortunate findings from this body of research is that when we feel tense and strained from work, we make life more difficult for our loved ones in various ways—including actively undermining them in the home, and we’re often entirely unaware that we’re doing it.
Setting Boundaries at Work
In the workplace, there are far more rules, guidelines, and hierarchies than in our personal lives, so the dynamics are slightly different. The four steps and the principle of respect are the same when setting boundaries at work, but the factors you need to consider and your delivery might not be. For example, if the boundary you’re setting is with someone who reports to you, give them an opportunity to ask questions and seek clarification. You should expect subordinates to test the boundary infrequently if at all, as doing so would be going against their manager’s directives. If they do violate the boundary, ask them to explain why that happened and how they plan to avoid doing so going forward.
When setting boundaries with colleagues, you will need to consider the culture of the workplace. You will be on much firmer ground if what you ask for conforms to the standard way of doing things in your company. Regardless, consider setting boundaries only when it is absolutely necessary to do so because it will be unpleasant for your colleague, and they might hold it against you. If appropriate, you can use the It’s not you, it’s me framing to make your message more palatable (e.g., I lose my train of thought when you interrupt, please let me finish before speaking over me).
When setting boundaries with a boss, you should be even more cautious and consider whether they would be open to such pushback at all. If you do proceed, the boundary should be framed as a request and not a demand. If your boss doesn’t push back when you set the boundary, great, but you will need to maintain the boundary with similar delicacy.
One of the more common boundaries people need to set in the workplace involves microaggressions and inconsiderate behavior (e.g., mispronouncing your name, overtalking, taking up half the mini fridge when 20 people share it). Use caution here too, of course, but if you do plan to speak up: (1) Use “I statements” that emphasize how you feel, and avoid making accusations. For example, I feel disrespected when you speak over me, not You are being dis-respectful. (2) Ask for specific changes. For example, I would appreciate it if your feedback focused on my performance and behavior without making remarks about my personality. And (3) Be collaborative. For example, I recognize that we have different communication styles, but I need our interactions to feel respectful. Can we work together on this?
One of the boundaries that gets violated most by our employers and companies concerns our personal and leisure time. If someone asks you why it took you an hour to reply to their email, draw a boundary around having to offer an explanation at all. Whether you were dealing with a sick kid, getting a massage, attending a play, or having an intimate moment with your partner isn’t something you need to share. Simply say, Sorry, I was busy.
Excerpted from Mind Over Grind: How to Break Free When Work Hijacks Your Life by Guy Winch, Simon & Schuster (February 10, 2026)
