My mom has been living with Alzheimer’s for six years now, and as her primary caregiver, I’m constantly learning new things about the disease and what goes into elder care. I opened up online about my caregiving experience a couple years ago, but even since then, so much has changed. It’s taken time, but I’ve gradually learned to accept our reality, take a step back when needed, reach out for support, and even let myself grieve the relationship my mom and I once had. Despite all of the challenges, I’ve found moments of unexpected strength, self-compassion, and clarity.
The other thing I started realizing when I opened up about my mom was that so many people responded by saying, “I’m going through the same thing.” The reality is, many of us are caring for loved ones and carrying the weight of the world on our shoulders, but we don’t know how to ask for the support that we need, especially at work. It can feel uncomfortable to leave early for multiple appointments one week, or to ask for a day off because we’re emotionally drained. So if you have a coworker, manager, or teammate who is also a caregiver, know that there are ways for you to show up for them without overstepping. Know that caregiving can be an isolating experience, and just reaching out to show your support can make a difference. Your empathy and understanding can be a much-needed source of comfort during a difficult time.
Here are some tips that can help you show your support:
Be curious without being judgmental.
I remember hearing the phrase “Be curious , not judgemental,” on the show Ted Lasso, and it immediately stuck with me. Asking others about their experience with caregiving isn’t off limits. In fact, it’s comforting to know that people care. The key is approaching the subject in a way that shows that you can’t imagine what they’re going through, but you want to learn. If you’re not sure what to say, start with something like, “I know you’re a caretaker and I’d love to learn more if you’re comfortable talking about it.” Just showing you’re interested in learning more can be a source of comfort.
Remember that everyone is going through something.
If your teammate seems “off” or cold on a certain day, keep in mind that you don’t know what’s going on at home. This is true for caregivers and non-caregivers! Sometimes we’re just exhausted, and sometimes we’re in crisis mode. There have been so many days where I’ve gotten a call from my mom’s care facility and I’ve run out of meetings to answer as soon as possible. In those moments, the panic sets in immediately and my mind runs to the worst case scenario. Even when the call is just a quick update or something mundane, it’s difficult for me to get back to my day and come down from that emotional spike.
Be a source of information for your teammate.
Consider taking some time to look into the organization’s benefits and resources for caregivers. When someone is taking care of a loved one, they often don’t have the time or the emotional capacity to look into all of the resources available to them at work, and they may not know about mental health days that are offered, or bereavement leave, or daycares that are available for their kids when they’re busy with appointments. Being a source of information for your colleague by saying, “Hey, did you know that you can take some time off to go visit your loved one?” or just sending an informative link their way can be incredibly helpful.
Acknowledge the loss that your teammate might be experiencing.
The unfortunate reality of elder care, and specifically for Alzheimer’s in my case, is that there is a loss of the relationship we once had with our loved one. Alzheimer’s is often referred to as “the long goodbye,” and it definitely feels that way. With any neurodegenerative disease, one has to come to terms with the fact that their loved one is not really the same loved one they knew their entire life. My mom is here with me, but there’s a certain loss that’s omnipresent in my life. It’s something I carry with me each and every day. Understanding that your teammate is going through a grieving process of sorts can help you empathize and show up for them in a way you might not have considered. Oftentimes, a simple “I’m here for you” or “How can I help you today?” is exactly what someone needs to hear. You may not realize it, but your support can be a lifeline in their caregiving journey.